to the universe

Part of what has gotten me down for a while now, is that I feel like I've lost something; a part of myself that I used to embrace. I let it trickle away very slowly and now I have overturned every box and piece of furniture in my brain and I can't seem to find it.

I used to have the gift of clarity and calm. I still have it when it comes to other people, but I used to have it inside; that ability to separate from situations and realize that while I have a role in everything good or bad, that happens in my life, that only a calm and level mind could direct me properly.

I used to visualize. Yes, the hippie version of visualizing, putting what I wanted out into the universe, writing it down, posting a photo as a reminder and then thinking of myself having it. I achieved great athletic success that way and got myself several jobs that way, as well. And now, where is it? I've slugged it out and done quite well for myself, but it's just not enough because I have no sense of peace. I need to regain my peace.

I have allowed myself to accept many situations that I should not have. I threw myself into jobs at companies that undervalued me and I undervalued myself as well. I chose relationships that did not fulfill me, both with friends and men, and I made excuses for why that was, accepting the responsibility for actions that hurt me, when the responsibility was not mine to take. This is wrong for a couple of reasons.

By taking the responsibility for other people on myself, I take away their opportunity and obligation to deal with their actions, themselves. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to them either. It has made me react instead of act and to shrink instead of growing. I don't feed myself, because I'm too worried about feeding others, who already have a full plate of food. It's bullshit and I am now seeing how I have done this to myself. The bottom is a good place from which to start building.

So this is me, sending a note to the universe.

I am starting over with the way I view every single relationship in my life. I don't have to ignore others in order to take care of myself. I will only accept healthy people into my life and I will only behave in a healthy way towards them and toward myself.

The next dating relationship I enter will be with a person who is totally stoked about me and who lets me know it often and in a variety of ways. I will only be with a person who will take care of me, consider me and protect me and who will let me do the same.

I don't know when this will happen and at this point in time, I have enough to work on, that I don't care. Maybe I already know that person, maybe not, but that is how it is going to be for me and I will accept nothing less.

I am nearing a career and starting to carve out what I want to pursue for the near to long term and I will pour myself into being excellent.

I will be fast again and I will race. I will be sharp, I will train hard and I will take care of myself in every possible way. I have done it before, lost my bearings and now it is time to pick up and move forward. No more brooding.

So universe, I will put in the passion and the work, now help me get what I want and deserve. The time is now.