rdv

I have the city of brotherly love on my mind at the moment....

8.5 days, 7 workouts and a TON of anticipation.

This is keeping me from going postal on everyone in my office....okay, well Boss and a few others, as they do their damndest to be oblivious, irritating and intolerably bitchy and snipey about everything under the sun. Today, everything under the sun includes - among many, many other things - presentation tabs. I don't know why it takes eight emails to spell out that we need exactly what we already have, just more of it, but apparently this is what is required to push this asinine and unnecessary acquisition forward and it is rocket science to some people. Boss is also happily contributing by being inexplicably unable to navigate the use of a three hole puncher on Boss's own. I have a degree. I'm a smart girl. I swear.

But in 8 days, I'm not gonna be thinking about it for even a second.

Can't. wait. See? Now I'm smiling again. Yay.

trifecta

I knew it would happen! In the last week there has been an earthquake and a hurricane. I said jokingly, that next would be pestilence and I was right.

At 11:21pm I received a message (as did the rest of my company) from the head of HR letting us know that the floor underneath ours has 'tested positive' for bed bugs. They say it was just a small and contained area, but let's be honest. It's a trading desk and they are free to roam. No one is safe.

Bed bugs.

The teeny tiny little honey colored gnawing pests of doom. That bite and bite and multiply like rabbits so they can bite and breed some more, all over any surface you own that has some semblance of fabric on it.

O lordy what a mess that could be. I'd hate to be the person whose desk had to be quarantined and sniffed out by Roscoe the bed bugs beagle. I'd hate to have to be relocated to another part of the floor or home, because that's like instant-outcast status. Who wants to sit next to the kid with the cooties? And what if the bed bugs went home with you? Or worse yet, what if they came IN with you? That means that no one around your area would be safe, because those little fuckers would be hitching rides all over the city.

I won't even walk on the same side of the street as a discarded mattress or sofa. No way. Last Christmas there were a couple of movie theaters that got infested. I still won't go in them, despite emphatic reassurances that they are clean and pest-free. So should any part of my floor test positive, you can bet I will be the first one to claim some sort of emotional distress and get the hell out of here. And worse, if I find out who the carrier for these little ass-biters is, I will most likely be forced to look at him or her in a different way. Sympathetic to their plight for sure, but kind of....well....ew.

But the good news is, since things come in threes, we should be good to just chill for a while....maybe.....

hurrickin

That's how old people say hurricane and I think it's funny. Kind of like dah-a-beetis instead of diabetes.

Anyway, funnest hurricane ever! I snuck in nine miles on Saturday morning and during the last mile, the heavens opened and we were soaked like drowned rats. Fun! Then I went to the wine store when I got home and since the line was out the door, I made friends and we talked about how emergency preparedness should always include copious amounts of booze. Fun!

I fielded some calls from the west coast from concerned citizens who had heard about the hurricane this weekend and the earthquake last week - yes the earthquake that went from Virginia to Boston - and I told them to stay tuned, because this week would probably see us have an attack of locusts to complete the natural event trifecta. I do feel badly for the people who endured flooding and downed power lines, because that's gotta suck in a big way. For my experience from Midtown West however, I was having a good time. Booze, food, and several very long, very fun conversations which have led to many intriguing plans for the near and far term.

The best part though, was walking to my office on Saturday night in the torrent and stopping at 7th avenue to look down toward Times Square, which was completely. empty. Not a car or a soul in sight, but all the lights were still going as if it were packed. I love when I get glimpses of the city like that. Makes me feel like I'm on my own little island for a few hours.

Back to reality in the morning though, as the city rolls on and the partners all make excuses for why we should all come in and they should stay home and enjoy the perfect, perfect weather that lies ahead. We knew this would happen, but at least we had fun!

ha

This morning I woke up antsy and unsatisfied. I think this is as a result of training and being tired and having insomnia and not being able to sleep. I didn't run this morning and I was sort of beating myself up about it, so I tidied up my room, wrote out my next steps on the dry erase, took a shower and came to work.

Then I read something I have made a point of not reading, just because I felt like it and this place is boring. It was exactly what I needed, despite the fact that it irritated the shit out of me. The irritation lasted about ten minutes. Then I sat back and thought about how being upset for even a second isn't worth it, because I don't actually care about anything I had read. I pondered that for a minute.

Then, as if on cue, I got a text and a wide, mischievous smile came over my face.

Back to diving in headfirst.

shine

-->I need some new powder for my nose. I hate when my face looks shiny in photos. For a long time I sort of inconspicuously avoided taking photos, but I’m out of that phase now, so it’s something I notice. I was thinking about this as I answered the phone.

 

When I talk on the phone, I leave my apartment because I don’t want my roommates in my business. I take my calls outside and either walk around my neighborhood or sit on the steps in the front. I noticed last night that the hot dude that lives in the building across from mine must come home around this time, because this is the third time I’ve seen him. I’m like a guy in that way, I guess. I notice attractive men and I look.

 

I talked with a longtime friend of mine last night. At one time, we were very close and then as happens, we drifted apart, only to be put randomly back in touch about a month ago. This was our second conversation and we started to get into some slightly deeper things and I remembered why I was good friends with her in the first place. Just a cool chick.

 

So at one point we were talking about the big challenges we both have ahead and she said

“…but I think all of that is good stuff! You seem to have a lot to think about, but it seems like it will be good either way, you know?”

“Yeah,” I said. “I’m not upset at all that these are the decisions I have to make right now. You know when you’re in the middle of something sucky and you know it’s sucky, but you find a way to have some good moments anyway? And then there’s just one change and it’s like the wheels turn and you realize exactly how fucking sucky things really were?” “I’m there and my motivation is high, so it’s all good stuff now.”

“Holy shit, dude.” There was a pregnant pause at the end and I started to wonder if maybe the call was dropped.

“Holy shit, what?”

 

“I know exactly….I mean exactly what you’re talking about. You ever wonder how you made it through all of that?"

"Nah," I said. "You do what you have to do and although I maybe would have listened to myself a lot earlier, it was time to go, so I went."

"Like Eddie."

"Yeah, Eddie would go."

Exhibit A

In reference to the aforementioned 'type' I deal with in my workplace, I offer you Exhibit A; a brief but illustrative anecdote.

Boss is on vacation right now. Out of the country, a couple time zones away, but with full internet access, mind you, so really it's like boss is not even gone. I am peppered with a couple dozen email requests and flip-outs per day, but no bother because it is easier than dealing with boss in person. One such request went like this:

Boss was contacted by a third party asking after boss's address. Rather than reply to the person directly and type out the address, Boss forwards ME the request, cc's the third party and asks me to give third party Boss's address. Yes, you read that correctly.

I comply and email Boss's home address (the email read as a personal request), third party writes me back to thank me, I move on with my day.

Four hours later, Boss emails me and cc's the third party again, to inform me that I should send over Boss's work address instead, thus AGAIN seizing the opportunity to not do something him or herself and to pass it over to someone else, thereby wasting everyone's time for no good reason.

I again comply and send over the work address to the third party, copying Boss on the note. An hour and a half after I send that, Boss emails me a third time to ask if I have sent the correct information. I wish I could tell you that this was somehow out of character. But no, it was just Monday.

bullet points

* It took seven hours to make what should be a four hour trip back to New York yesterday. Highlights included the driver stopping literally in the middle lane of the highway, cutting off three lanes of traffic, stopping at the side of the road and letting two people out - with no bags - who then just started walking down the shoulder of the highway with no discernible destination in sight.

This trip was finished off by a wet t-shirt contest featuring me, when I couldn't find a cab in the pouring rain for twenty minutes, as I tried to hail one in a white t-shirt. I'm hoping the onlookers appreciated it.

* The man who sits out in front of Duane Reade on 6th Avenue near my office usually shouts out obscene and offensive things to women who pass by such as "you're a whore and you should get a fucking job". I ignore him, as I do most people, and refuse to make eye contact.

Today however, he had changed his tune a bit and was yelling "Iiiiiiiiiiii'mm so poooooooooorrrr" over and over in some sort of mantra. I still ignored him. I'm poor, too.

* I recently received some news of a possibility that would bring 3/4 of my crew together long term. A move in the next several months is nearly imminent. This is exciting and just adds an extra spotlight on the fact that my decisions in the last couple of months have pretty much been nothing but good ones.

* I am in the market for an affordable, yet highly effective massage therapist because my knee is putting a serious damper on my training. It would probably be counterproductive to just go in myself and cut my IT band in half, to relieve the pressure. Happy ending not required.

* I had the most amazing escargot appetizer this weekend and I'm still thinking about it. Despite the escargot, which was basically marinating in melted butter, garlic and oregano, I have lost a full twenty pounds. Go me.


That's all....nothing more to see here...go back to your simple lives.

hackles

One of my favorite quotes is by Nelson Mandela. He says “before you can do things for other people, you have to be the kind of person who gets things done.” I read that at a young age and it has stuck with me since.

 

I am a doer. I am a person who gets things done. However that slipped for a while and I became a person who was treading water in my own life, while trying to help someone else who was decidedly NOT a doer. This is a dead end. If you try to give to a person like that, they will suck you dry. Literally, they will co-opt your energy and motivation and then bleed it out of you until you have nothing at all left for yourself or your own life and needs. It’s a slow burn, kind of like the frog in the pot of boiling water. By the time it’s too hot to stand, it’s too late to jump out.

 

I managed to jump out of that pot and am running – literally – as far away as humanly possible from the vacuous existence that is an unappreciative, unmotivated, soul sucker. They are sneaky that kind, and I have now learned how to spot and avoid the bullshit and the talking. Have you ever noticed how many people in the world are legitimately full of shit? It’s mind-blowing. I no longer trust a damn thing anyone tells me because once you’re lied to for years from the inside and exploited in a negative and destructive way, you get your hackles up.

 

Hackles up.

Once you get away from the mess of prolonged interaction with a leech though, it's really flabbergasting how much you actually have left for yourself, despite the fact that you may not know what to do with yourself at first. I'm still uncovering new things and new opportunities. Seems to be endless, the amount of things I can now do and what is surprisingly not endless is the overall feeling of anger. I think now, it's more a humorous disgust and a "what the fuck was I thinking" sort of thing.

And yes, I loathe the person who stole from me, but you know, what goes around comes back around, so I don't feel that bad.  

preface....

I work in a typical Midtown office. With a telescope or a good pair of binoculars, I could peer into thousands of other offices just like mine jutting up from the streets around Central Park South. There is a cast of thirty to forty some-odd characters in my office, which occupies one and a half floors of my thirty three story building. Ninety four percent of them suck ass.

There is a ‘type’ in finance. There is a type in any industry, but while I have met many, many individuals who work in finance and are not ‘the type’, I now work predominantly in a ‘type’ type place. It fucking sucks. I’ll get to the suckiness later, but I feel I need to address the definition of ‘type’ in this instance.

Finance people are the go-getters of the world. They are not the only go-getters mind you, but whether or not you intended to work in finance, once you walk in the door, shit is expected of you. You need to be there, at the top of your game, performing. If you don’t perform, you’re gone. You do whatever it is that you want with your free time, but when you show up on Monday morning, you are expected to perform. Went out way too late and drank too much? TFB. You had better be at your desk and getting shit done. The frequent trips to throw up in the bathroom will be ignored (except for the ribbings and the pekid dog emails), because your ass was in your seat on time.

It is, for the most part, a strict meritocracy as far as talent and production go, and the rewards for performance are large and quite tangible. Add to that, the environment you are in happens to be where people make money. A lot of it. So making money and securing your spot on the escalator of life, investing well and wisely and continuously going for more is pretty much a given. Spending that well-invested and hard earned money is also noted and is almost treated like a pissing contest with who can go to more exotic locations, who drinks the more expensive health craze juice, who wears Louboutin’s more days of the week and who has the more enviable summer home location. And they are keeping score….the type, that is.

Mind you, there are droves of finance professionals who do the normal day of long hours and short lunches and then go about their business in a fairly inconspicuous manner. Those who make a lot of money, but don’t make a big show of spending it lavishly or stupidly, and who don’t treat others - such as those who make less or those from whom they procure goods and services - as if they are the help. But the type….ah, they are some seriously annoying fuckers, let me tell you.

The type come from all different backgrounds in life, meaning the type is not restricted to those from a particular ethnic, religious, or previous socioeconomic background. The type are a creation of the insular world of current and former nerds who made the right moves one way or another and came out on the back of the cash cow. They are kinda skinny for the most part, mostly unathletic, laugh at their own (questionably funny) jokes and whether overtly or covertly, they look down their nose at the rest of the world and are unimpressed by anything. Their former days of un-coolness have made them haughty and pissy and chafingly irritating. They are also looking for anyone else who can possibly do things for them. Anything things. Ie: I need a piece of paper printed out. So rather than hit the quick-print button at the top of the document that I have open, which would then deliver said document to the printer directly behind my chair, I will write you an email and attach the doc and ask you to print it out and then walk over to my desk – interrupting whatever you were doing at the moment – to hand it to me. Or, I will stand 5 feet away from the kitchen and email you from my blackberry to ask for a cup of coffee, even though you are on the complete opposite side of the floor, doing actual work.

Shit like this happens every. single. day. There was a time when I did not deal with these sorts of requests. A time - not long ago - when I was involved in the minutia of firm business and contributed to many different areas of operations. However, due to a catastrophic error I made in taking a risk on an unstable situation, I voluntarily ended my employment at said firm and was out of work for way too long until a ray of light shined on me when I came into my very well-respected firm under the auspice of continuing on the path that I had forged at my previous firm.

Little did I know I was plunging into a pool of ‘types’ and effectively entered an existence where I deal with a seemingly insurmountable amount of ancillary bullshit. I am getting dumber by the day. I get paid more than I did at the first place too, which somehow makes it just a little more weird for me.

So that’s the setup. These are the types I work and deal with everyday now and as this is the lot, the best course of action is, of course, to clandestinely rip it all to shreds for sake of amusement and my sanity. More to come…..

O really?

So cannot wait for the time when I am so worn out by training that my body literally has no other option but to sleep. But at least I have good thoughts racing right now.

I am 15 pounds lighter in weight, a million pounds lighter in outlook, and it's only just started to return to that. Unbelievable.

And I'm winning the bet. Life is a motherfucker, in both ways.

Also, I saw Mickey Mouse - the Fantasia version, walking down the street with a backpack on, smoking a cigarette. I didnt know you could hotbox a Disney character.

in review....

I decided I’ll do a little marathon training recap for anyone who cares to read, but also to have the summary to look back on as I adjust my training. I’ve trained for a marathon before, but that was many, many years ago and then I couldn’t afford the trip to get myself to it (it is in Jamaica and I’m still going to do it someday), so I never actually completed the training. Anyway, the point is that the coolest thing about this is that it is a new venture. And that I have a lot to accomplish in an uncomfortably short period of time.

So this week was sort of a prep week, since it was my first week of training. The long run was only 6 miles and it sucked, so I am hoping that my runs this week will prepare me a little better for an 8 miler on Saturday. I haven’t exactly figured out the days I want to train yet, because while part of me loves having an entire day (ie: Sunday) to just be off work and play and everything, having a day off on Tuesday or Wednesday may be more efficient in terms of just being tired mid-week, which usually happens. Maybe making Monday my long day is the answer, which would be fitting because Monday was always long steady state when I was training for other sports.

And there you have it. Nonsense and the knowledge that last week’s training culminated in a shitty 10k. No worries though, I am on the up and up and now that I’m starting to feel my legs again, my mojo ain’t far behind.

O yeah and happy fucking Monday.

squeak

My knee is tight and it's annoying.

I know it's my IT or iliotibial band that is pulling from my hips and tugging at my knee and I know it's doing this because I decided - with three months to train from scratch - to run a marathon. I do this sort of thing so I can unstick myself from things that hold me back, or try to anyway. I take on a huge challenge that may require bites bigger than I'm comfortable with, because for some reason I like being scared shitless of what I'm undertaking and then conquering. That feeling of fear and the possibility of failure is a little bit addicting, I think. But I'm nuts like that, so there's that.

Unsticking one thing affects everything though, and it's pretty amazing how other areas of your life and even the lives of your friends start to change when a flow resumes and there is no more albatross around your neck. And conversely, sometimes a change in someone else's life will kick a cog in your wheels just enough to squeak it forward and show you that change is around the corner for you, too. And once the wheels start turning again, look out.

It's so curious how much better one can feel in such a short period of time. The air changes and suddenly it's a little more interesting to breathe; like you're taking it into your lungs, but there's more oxygen in the air, which makes you a little heady. Kind of like how it feels when you meet someone who sort of blows you away, but multiplied for several areas of your life. The most exhilarating of the natural highs.

And all it takes is throwing yourself headlong into something where you could fail....but you wont, because failing after you jump in headfirst is even scarier than jumping in head first.

marathoner

I'm going big. In order to shed all of the physical and mental weight that has been anchoring me down the last few years, I decided to run the NY Marathon, support a very worthy cause, and get my life back, while honoring the lives of those who battle cancer and win, or lose, with such dignity.

DONATE HERE to help me reach a fundraising goal of $5,000 by October 19th. That's a lot of money in a short period of time, but I can do it with your help.