was i?

Oh see, here we are doing it again. Chasing the thoughts around and around, but I am somehow unable to come up with two that go together; like being stuck in an extremely frustrating game of "Memory", where no two tiles ever seem to come up together, even though you really think you know where they are.

Maybe I'm just fixated on the radioactive glow coming from my arms, or the tanned-in seat belt mark on my chest. People have had worse problems, but boy would some Noxema hit the spot.

I was writing in my diary one day (horribly, the one that was stolen) and I started to write out a list of questions. It was in reference to the mortality of someone I knew and it was kind of a hypothetical, living performance review. I started thinking about the person and the good things that that person had brought to my life and I hoped that there was no uncertainty in that person's mind, how I felt about them.

And then I had tons of questions....

Was it good to know me? Did I treat you with the respect and understanding you deserve? Were we good friends? What impression did I leave you with? Did you know how I felt about you? If I was involved with you romantically, did I make you feel as wonderful and worthwhile as you are? Was it good to be loved by me? Did I leave you better than I found you and do you know that I think of you often and wish you well? Did I hurt you? Did I apologize for it, if I did and did I forgive you when it was time to? Was I positive and supportive with you? Do you know what great things you brought to my life?

I remember at the time thinking how good it would be to know the answers to those questions, but more importantly, that it was probably time for me to start focusing on letting the people I love and care about know it on a regular basis. Periodically, I think I can use a refresher on those wonders, partly to keep me on my toes and make me aware of how I am with people. The other part is to give myself a little boost that I am minded to be and trend to be a person who contributes positively to whatever situations I can. Just a little reminder that I am okay and on the right track; a little nudge in the right direction.

It should be noted that this is not an open solicitation for answers about me to these questions, just as something to think about. I have spent quite a bit of time on those inquiries - mostly under a pre-dawn, nocturnal canopy - and others like them in the last while, so I thought I'd spread the inner conversation.