rrroger.....checking.....

Here's a little about me.

I have never really been in major trouble (finances excepted). I have never had a DUI, never pissed a dirty drug test, never been arrested - though I have mouthed off to an alarming number of cops - and I have never been involved in a major legal entanglement.

This should all be a breeze, yet I am scared shitless of having my background checked. My credit will be sifted through, assuring my employers that despite my sharp and savvy presentation, I've been living on a shoestring budget for most of my life. My job record will be sifted through, assuring them that I have, indeed worked in quite a few unrelated industries. My urine will be sifted through, to assure them that I have not been on the drugs in quite a while....er....I mean, ever-ish.

Just a thought though....what if there was a booze hound test? Three quarters of the financial district would find themselves unemployed.

So what might they find, these wily background checkers? Maybe stuff like the neighbor I had that was running a meth lab under my apartment. Maybe that I got really drunk in Catalina one time and had to be dragged a half mile back to a volleyball court at Descanso Beach, where I passed out for the night. Maybe they would find out about the $350 speeding ticket I got on the way back from Mexico. But is all that enough to really juke me out of a job? Despite the amount of trouble I have been in with parents, teachers, church leaders and the like, Johnny Law's got nothin on me.

How I wish I could run one of these things on my bosses though. Oh, what fun that would be. I would have given my right ovary to pull one of those on some select members of my last company; the ones who were the most judgemental and the most insulated from the big, ugly axe that seemed to find its way to so many necks around that joint.

And what if there was a character check? How many dozens of people would leap forward, eager to tell tales of being fucked over by a some calculating climber with no conscience? How would those resumes read? Something like:

Asshole Blowhard
1234 Fuckstick Cir., Dixville, NY
212-555-SUCK

Any Corp (1985 - 2008)
Upper Management
- Responsible for dashing the hopes and stunting the careers of several dozen hardworking underlings.
- Directly involved in manipulative career climbing, through extensive lying, cheating and fact distortion.
- Proven record of comprehensive ball-removal for any and all entry level associates.

I could go on about this one, but suffice it to say, I will be shitting my proverbial pants for the next two weeks, while my life is dissected. Can't wait to be past this phase of the job seeking mission.