a dilemma

I was in a relationship many years ago, and the man I was involved with didn't treat me well. Big shock. I don't know a soul alive who hasn't been there. He was an okay person, but a terrible boyfriend; inconsiderate, sneaky, and ultimately obnoxious. I felt so betrayed because in the beginning, he was sweet, sincere and so much fun. It's the story of any road to the end of a short and interesting, but ultimately damaging affair. I note this only as evidence that I am qualified to at least comment on the situation below.

I bounced back from my bad relationship. It didn't sink me and since then, I have trusted other people, loved other people and been just fine. So too, will my friend, eventually. My friend is currently in a relationship with a good person, who just shouldn't be with anyone. Here's the list of good and then I'll present the list of bad and you can all weigh in with me, because as of yet, I have refrained from advising. I find it to be somewhat of a conflict and now that I have a better idea of the story, I understand why she is so confused.

He is amazingly intelligent. Have a conversation with this man and you will get a series of well thought out answers on just about any subject. I have a great deal of respect for the informed opinion, even if I don't agree with it and this is what he provides.

They have a great mental connection. It is plainly obvious when around them, that they truly connect and love each other intellectually. They have long, in depth conversations on any variety of topics and seek the counsel of one another regularly, due to a true and deep respect and admiration for each other. She tells me that even in times of stress between them, the thought of not speaking to each other everyday is unacceptable to either of them. Their respect is deep and soulful.

They laugh. A lot. They both have wacky senses of humor and they get each other. I'm sure that in their quiet moments together, they are silly and fun and laugh constantly at themselves, each other and the world around them. They take enjoyment in the little things of whatever they are doing and her favorite times with him, she has said, are the times just spent walking and exploring the world together.

They have tons in common. As a match up of extending goals and life plans, they are an extremely fit pair. I can easily imagine myself toasting them at their wedding and attending their kids graduations, because they both have a sense of family and the desire to create a great life.

Sounds perfect doesn't it? Well, here is the bad. I hate, as anyone does, to even mention it, but this is where she gets confused and where I lack the ability to just casually dole out any advice. This one takes some serious thinking.

He's secretive. He started out being very open with his time and his life, yet over time, he has become more closed and secretive from. Examples range from going days or even a week without seeing each other (after about 18 months or so), to him blocking her on various communication mediums for seemingly no reason whatsoever. He created a facebook account and then didn't add her as a friend, after they had been dating for a year. Odd. At one time he would regularly communicate with her during work hours via instant messenger and then suddenly began to use other "secret" screen names or just block her altogether.

He keeps his computer and phone under lock and key, Beyond the normal realm of privacy, as if she were to find something sordid and inappropriate. I was there when she questioned this about him and he became angry when she wondered why he does this. She is not much of a detective and it was not always this way with him. In increasing doses, it becomes particularly bothersome and odd, because "the man who has nothing to hide, hides nothing", non?

He's distant. He will go for days without having an actual conversation with her, telling her one day that he can't wait to get married and the next that he is simply way too busy to see her more than once a week, or talk to her about any other subject than what he chooses in the moment. He interrupts nearly every phone call they have, to take whatever call is coming next, or to walk in the house, an activity not normally so perilous that one needs extra focus. In observing them at her home, he becomes reclusive almost and seems to itch to get out and away from other people; choosing instead to retreat to his car so he can, presumably, go sit in front of his computer (and become more secretive).

He's physically distant. They don't have sex. This boggles my mind. My friend is a sexy, smart, athletic catch of a woman, who I have known by her own tales of amorous activity, to be adventurous and fun; the kind of girl that men look for. He does not strike me as any kind of cheater, though you will note by several of the items in the "not good" column, that his behavior leaves definite room for question.

Everyone knows that by the time that your friend tells you that she is not getting laid by her boyfriend, that things have been bad for a long time. No impulses is his excuse, which to me, is utterly dumpworthy material, and but for the above mentioned and very strong "good" column of items, I would tell her to drop his ass right away. If there is any chance for him, this one has to get fixed right away though, in my humble opinion. I couldn't live without hot sex; not when I was young enough and limber enough to enjoy it all (several times a day). Whatever the hang up is there, seek assistance immediately, because that problem just costs everyone.

His eyes wander. This one gets to me personally and I want to slap him every time I see it. They will be walking and he will be holding her hand (which I think is definitely up there in the good section and is cute as well), and with every moderately to very attractive woman who passes, his head is on the swivel, or at least his eyes are. I have followed his glance when she is not looking; watching him give every woman the up and down stare and even turning to take a second look, all while never letting go of her hand. It's disgusting how little self control that shows and given the secrecy and the aforementioned lack of fornication, definitely opens the mind up to doubt.

He is unbending. Some would call this selfishness, though he is not reputed to be selfish in every situation. I did think him to be an only child for a while though and found it strange that he actually has several siblings. Given his obstinance and seeming lack of interest in anything going on outside himself, I now understand why they are not out with friends more often - he probably doesn't want to do what he didn't think up or is not completely enthralled by. This even extends into music in her own apartment. While cooking dinner one night, he threw a tantrum about the fact that there was music playing, saying it reminded him too much of work. To me, a house without music may as well be a cemetery.

I need not go on. The good being as wonderful as it is, used to temper the bad for her, but at this point in time, she has come to me confused and sad, unable to decide what the next step is for the two of them.

Truth is, I don't know and can't tell her. I believe that things in relationships generally work out the way they are supposed to, discounting sabotage, which is not at all present in this case. She loves him genuinely and deeply and I have always thought he felt the same way, but at this juncture, sadly, the only advice I can give is, take care of yourself, my dear.

Take the lessons from this and know that if it is meant to be, he will bring up his end of things and make the changes that need to be made. We all know that the fundamentals of people rarely change, so let that be your guide and go and get the life you deserve. Love will not find you until you find it in yourself.

I don't care how zen and cheesy that comes across, it's the truth and it's what we all to often ignore. Now that I think of it, I have some processing to do.