an inquiry...

First, and pretty much unrelated to the rest of this post, today would have been my gramma's birthday. The most amazing, wonderful and unconditional person in my life. How I miss her. Maybe for her birthday she'll come say hello.


So this is just a question I'm throwing out there. It can be about just about any subject really, but I think this question is a logical one, so here goes.....


At what point has utility become futility? What I mean is, no matter how badly you want something to be, at what point does the fight become more an exercise in futility and lead to more hurt and damage than is either necessary or healthy? At what point is something just not meant to be?

For me in my sport with my big ol' Olympic dream, it took 9 years, once I saw it was a real possibility, to exhaust the effort and decide that my dream wasn't going to be realized, at least not in the way I had hoped. But I came to that realization calmly and rationally and I pretty much had no other choice - which would really explain the calm and rationale in that situation.

But what about with life? What if you love a thing or a person or a job so much that you can't imagine your life without it? Or what's more, you refuse to see your life without it? What if leaving that means losing an entire future you had seen clear as day, because you can't seem to get your shit together where that subject is concerned? Then what? I guess that was true for me with my Olympic dream as well, but even when I saw myself on the podium over and over and over, I knew that moment - while it would last a lifetime - would still only be a moment and that there was more life to live. With other situations, it feels more like if I let go, or it lets go of me, that I would experience a death of sorts, and while I know I could recover, I just don't think I would want to. I can't believe I just admitted that, but there it is, so the delete button will remain unpressed.

So the question remains....how does it come together and how the fuck do I obtain the skills to force what I love and want and crave, to work? We all know the answer to that is that you can't force anything. It either is or isn't, but I think the variable there is the effort. The effort and desire make all the difference in sports, all the difference in work, so why not in life and love? Why not try so hard and give so much that you can't possibly say you didn't exhaust every effort. Because what if it works? I mean what about when it works? That's one helluva fucking payoff, then.

I mean, if the pros and cons are at 50/50, or even 70/30 (in favor), how do I tie up the balance to yield the life I see and want so much? How do we make it all work, the whole life, career, love, achievement, without letting go?