as the name implies...commentary; running in no particular direction and about no subject specifically. pontification.
30 March, 2012
wounded warrior
29 March, 2012
lead
It's free flowing now. I officially have less than a month left in the city and I just have stars in my eyes about this place I've called home for the better part of a decade. I saw this today and it made me realize I'll actually even miss the Manhattan Mini Storage ads. They are always funny.
Boss has made it exceedingly easy for me to get a resignation letter together and set a time for myself to go in and say I'm sooooooooooooooooooo outta here - in the nicest and most professional sort of way, of course.
This person, who wears fugly Manolo's to the office everyday (I didn't realize he even had it in him to create ugly shoes, but she's found every pair), flipped out about an un-sharpened pencil. Apparently it was sort of dulled, so the best thing Boss could think to do was run out of the office waving it and proclaiming it dead, and then demand an entire, sharpened box immediately.
So I walked to Boss's drawer, opened the left top drawer, pulled the dozen pencils I had to sharpen last week when such a fit occurred, set them on Boss's desk and walked away. I have a degree.
shuffled
But it unfortunately seems that this has kicked off a really weird 'missing or lost stuff' phase for me. It's really quite annoying, actually. What I want to know though, is how this stuff ends up piling on. It started with some asshole who stole a bunch of stuff out of a bag I had with me when I took a bus ride. I got out because Boss beckoned (four times in an hour) with a pressing question about a document that was in her own folder. Boss doesn't actually look for anything that's right in front of her face, Boss just flips out until someone calmly demonstrates that it's right in front of Boss's face. So I hop off the bus at a rest stop and don't notice anything amiss.
Turns out however, that the person across the way from me had seen fit to take my shuffle, my toiletries bag (wtf?) a small, green, spiral bound notebook (2xwtf??) and a pen. She did not take my small bag of jewelry, which I found a little odd, nor did she take my expensive GPS watch, which was in the same part of the bag as the shuffle. This girl looked like she'd never been on a run in her life, though, so she couldn't have known that was the most expensive item in the bag.
Anyway, that stuff was stolen and then for a good three or four days, everything was lost. Everything. I somehow managed to lose my debit card and ID, when the wristlet I was wearing (the name wristlet, incidentally, implies that it's strapped to my wrist) mysteriously was just gone from my arm, strap and all. My phone was "lost" about a dozen times in that same time period. I couldn't find the simplest things, whether they were actually missing, or not. I did a dance in the kitchen, I metaphorically burned sage, I looked up into the sky and shouted "why, why, whyeeee", in an effort to break the randomly-lost-stuff curse. This ever happened to you?
I have no idea if the curse was actually broken, but I'm paranoid now, because I am too lazy to go to the DMV to get a new license, despite the fresh opportunity for a better photo, and I carry my passport all over the place. I also bought a new shuffle and replaced my expensive perfume, which are both still in the iffy time frame for being lost, broken, or stolen, simply because they are new items. Actually that applies to my laptop as well....scary times!
It's like some weird cloud of irresponsibility washed over me for a few days there - with no support or effort from yours truly - and now I'm trying to get the residue off of me, because that shit is concerning when you are facing the prospect, or well, the inevitablilty of having no job or form of stable income for the foreseeable future. I metaphorically burned sage again, to get the lost ick off of me.
Perhaps the figurative sage burning will have the unintended but not necessarily unwanted side effect of making that bottle of expensive perfume break in her bag, the shuffle inexplicably not work and the toiletries give her some bizarre, temporarily disfiguring rash. Too bad I won't see them comeuppance.
28 March, 2012
labels
The compliment came only because Boss was painted into a corner and had no other option but to back me up, since my records were impeccable. Nonetheless, it was nice to not be thrown under the bus. And as anyone who knows me knows, I could go to Wahoo's every single day, so that's a no-brainer.
Wahoo's, to those who are unfamiliar, is the best Mexican food joint in the universe. It's kind of Mexi-Cali-wai'ian food and it's healthy and insanely delicious and cheap, to boot. I've been eating there for over twenty years and I really feel like you can't go wrong with that place. So we hit that up, gorged ourselves and then I decided to walk home, since it was a really nice evening and I had missed my workout for fish tacos.
As I went along, I cut through Madison Square park and saw two twenty-somethings practicing some sort of dance shuffle on the sand. The Flatiron building looked beautiful as always, and I wondered if I was going to have time to come back that way and appreciate that particular area again. I walked down 26th Street past my old apartment, where the Crazy's still live, cruised out on 7th Avenue and watched a guy drumming on a bucket, a couple of pans and some other assorted objects. I even walked (mostly) through Times Square - which was tolerable because of the late hour - and the theater district. By the time I got home, I was engulfed by how much I love this city.
I woke up at 3am to go get some water and my blackberry was blinking. It was Boss. I knew she couldn't handle the pressure of acknowledging that I do a good job. "Where ar my file lbels?", she wrote. "Get yourslef oranized, this is anoying."
Too bad I prioritized work yesterday and got all of our organizing docs sent to Luxembourg instead of printing up labels for her fucking shoes.
26 March, 2012
closings
This is one thing that greatly saddens me about New York. Understanding that a city like this is dynamic and ever-changing, there is an aspect of the city that needs to be better preserved. A place like that is a landmark. The story of it makes it worth saving and the foreign aspect of this - with someone who doesn't even live in the city in charge of its fate - is just ridiculous.
But regardless of that little spat that the city and I had, I had an old timey type of weekend, with caviar and creme fraiche, jazz and champagne, and a spicy bloody mary to finish it all off before wandering back home in the fresh, cool air - well, home for the next month, anyway........
This early springtime is wooing me.
23 March, 2012
i love.....
I have been in the city a long time. I have years and years of stories and memories. My Hells Kitchen stories are positive and random and involve probably my favorite cast of characters. How will I live without the bodega on the corner? Without literally dozens of bars, shops and restaurants within three blocks of my front door? Without twenty four hour access to literally everything? Literally.
Why is the city doing this to me? Romancing me so subtly and so provocatively, right at the end? Don't worry baby, I'm leaving for a little, but I'll be back.....provided my new city doesn't prove to be a better romantic, that is.
22 March, 2012
trauma
I feel compelled to say that it is a real thing and it is something that progresses and intensifies and destroys both the person it is afflicting and everyone around them. Basically what happens is, any even slightly negative aspect of that person is greatly intensified, along with the onset of social paranoia and reclusiveness. So a really fun, nice, outgoing person becomes pretty negative and doesn't come out much, if at all. A person who is kind of a dick, but is still an all right person becomes a downright miserable, angry asshole. Being less than a degree away from this transformation and the aftermath is nothing short of complete torture.
It is possible to treat and with the help of treatments like EMDR - which is a groundbreaking and intense therapy - it is possible to get better and defeat it. I have now known several people who have gone through this, and after suffering a relationship that ultimately disassembled my life, it pains me to hear people diminish what those who have to deal with PTSD go through.
I do strongly feel however, that it is each person's responsibility to get help and go through treatment with a mind to aggressive recovery. Otherwise, those who are supportive to the process get abused and wrung out.
So here's the point of this: chances are that a disproportionate number of our service members have some form of PTSD. They need help and we need to help them, instead of judging them so harshly. Additionally, there are many, many members of society walking around with this same problem and with the same symptoms. If they claim it, look for the symptoms to back up the claim without judging the person and then help them. And if you happen to be someone who is close to the person who is suffering PTSD, gird yourself and know when to stick up for yourself and when to hit the road and walk away from both the afflicted and a situation you cannot fix.
20 March, 2012
i'll miss.....
Tonight I was doing a ralk (mostly run with some walking) up the Hudson and I realized I've got a lot of landmarks there. I realized that I have literally run this island from basically the Tri-Boro bridge, all the way down FDR, around the tip, through Battery Park, up Tribeca and up the entire west side to the GW bridge. One of these days I should just run around the damn thing at one time. The way my hip is going, today is not that day, however.
But the thing specific to this post that I will miss, is the particular stretch of water that I run the most - basically from below Chelsea Piers to above 125th St. I will miss the 69th Street transfer exchange and how cool and looming it is, while still being a faint reminder of a New York that still had industry. I love the pilings and the little bridges that go out over the water, the pier, and that fantastic river walk that makes you forget that you just walked two blocks over from fifty story buildings and people swaggering through the streets, drunk. At noon.
By the time I get going, it is usually my favorite time of day - right before dusk, when the water shimmers silver and blue and green and the sky is not quite light but not quite dark. It's the time of day when the city takes a breath before night begins and I love watching the lights come up on the bridge. I love running past the Lackawanna sign, the Colgate clock, the Intrepid....
I love that this little stretch is just mine. And it's all about running.
14 March, 2012
zipit
Work Out Alone
13%: Discussing the plan for today's workout.
18%: Spotting your workout buddy, unnecessarily.
18%: Working out.
30%: Talking to each other, while sitting on a bench that someone else who wants to actually lift something is waiting for.
13 March, 2012
not a fluke.
(CNN) -- Last month, students from several Catholic universities gathered to send a message to the nation that contraception is basic health care. I was among them, and I was proud to share the stories of my friends at Georgetown Law who have suffered dire medical consequences because our student insurance does not cover contraception for the purpose of preventing pregnancy.
I joined these students in speaking at a media event because I believe that stories of how real women are affected are the most powerful argument for access to affordable, quality reproductive health care services.
I also joined these students because now is a critical time to raise this issue in our public consciousness.
Thanks to the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, preventive care services, including contraception, will be covered by private insurance plans without co-pays or deductibles. If appropriately implemented, this important law will finally guarantee women access to contraception, regardless of the religious affiliation of their workplace or school.
By now, many have heard the stories I wanted to share thanks to the congressional leaders and members of the media who have supported me and millions of women in speaking out.
Because we spoke so loudly, opponents of reproductive health access demonized and smeared me and others on the public airwaves. These smears are obvious attempts to distract from meaningful policy discussions and to silence women's voices regarding their own health care.
These attempts to silence women and the men who support them have clearly failed. I know this because I have received so many messages of support from across the country -- women and men speaking out because they agree that contraception needs to be treated as a basic health care service.
Who are these supporters?
They are women with polycystic ovarian syndrome, who need contraception to prevent cysts from growing on their ovaries, which if unaddressed can lead to infertility and deadly ovarian cancer. They are sexual assault victims, who need contraception to prevent unwanted pregnancy.
They are Catholic women, who see no conflict between their social justice -based faith and family planning. They are new moms, whose doctors fear that another pregnancy too soon could jeopardize the mother's health and the potential child's health too. They are mothers and grandmothers who remember all too well what it was like to be called names decades ago, when they were fighting for a job, for health care benefits, for equality.
They are husbands, partners, boyfriends and male friends who know that without access to contraception, the women they care about can face unfair obstacles to participating in public life. And yes, they are young women of all income levels, races, classes and ethnicities who need access to contraception to control their reproduction, pursue their education and career goals and prevent unintended pregnancy. And they will not be silenced.
These women know how expensive birth control pills can be, with or without insurance coverage. For a single mother with kids, a woman making minimum wage, or a student living on loans, a high monthly co-pay could be the difference between buying contraception or one week of groceries.
And imagine the financial burden of unplanned pregnancy and raising a child. For women without insurance coverage or with insurance that doesn't cover contraception, the costs create a significant financial burden.
Many women cannot medically use the least expensive types of contraception. As a result, many women, especially those 18 to 34 who have the most trouble affording contraception, simply go without. They face any number of medical risks as well as unintended pregnancy -- all of which damage their productivity and the health of their families.
Most recently, certain political commentators have started spreading misinformation about the underlying government regulation we are discussing. To be clear, through programs such as Medicaid, the government already does and should fund contraception coverage for the poorest women in our country.
But, despite the misinformation being spread, the regulation under discussion has absolutely nothing to do with government funding: It is all about the insurance policies provided by private employers and universities that are financed by individual workers, students and their families -- not taxpayers.
I am talking about women who, despite paying their own premiums, cannot obtain coverage of contraception on their private insurance, even when their employer or university contributes nothing to that insurance.
Restricting access to such a basic health care service, which 99% of sexually experienced American women have used and 62% of American women are using right now, is out of touch with public sentiment. In fact, more than 60% of Americans support this regulation and affordable access to contraception, according to the nonpartisan Kaiser Family Foundation.
Attacking me and women who use contraception by calling us prostitutes and worse cannot silence us.
I am proud to stand with the millions of women and men who recognize that our government should legislate according to the reality of our lives -- not for ideology.
12 March, 2012
pills n bills
You wackjobs that have hijacked what would otherwise be a somewhat logical party in American politics, have fucked a lot of things up and are pushing our society backward. Why do I say this? Let's have a little look-see into Republican politics these days. I should point out that I am fully aware that great ideas come from Republicans too. I'm not in any way insinuating that there are not logical, forward thinking Republicans in the world. There are, I know many of them. However my friends, your party has been co-opted and dropped off the cliff of sanity.
At the moment, if you want any of the fiscal policies, tax breaks or whatever the party is offering via their candidates - things that they claim will boost jobs numbers and strengthen the economy, you have to buy the package. The package, is the super, duper, far right tea party, which comes inextricably with the right's bag of goods. This means, that while there is the campaign push for alternative policies to the ones currently in place economically, if you even think about going for that, you'll get hooked into a sharp right turn once the Republicans take office and all sorts of fun things like legislating god into government and the creation of road blocks that insert a bunch of old, white dudes into what goes on between a woman and her doctor, before an abortion, among other things.
But wait, isn't this the party of less government? Isn't this the party that wants the man out of their lives? Of course! How did I not put together that assuming all women are stupid and forcing them through an unnecessary and shaming medical procedure prior to undertaking something as intensely personal as the termination of a pregnancy, is logical? Of course, this means that if a lot of abortions are stopped due to the shame, or the unnecessary financial burden that paying for an expensive, last-minute ultrasound would bring, then yaaaay Republicans, right? I mean, lookit all those babies! Although statistically the majority of these babies would be born to lower income people. Lower income people, who can't afford to properly care for all of these children that the Tea Party contingent has saved. Lower income women who maybe already have a couple of children they are struggling to do right by. But that's the woman's problem TOO, as it turns out. She'll soon get no help at all.
And before you even say it, this whole 'well just don't have sex, then' argument is a bunch of shit and anyone who says it, must be delivering that message tongue-in-cheek. Even Republicans and Tea Partiers are fucking, often times waaaayy more kinkily than the rest of us.
But no bother.....we'll just go ahead and take away your birth control in the name of 'religious freedom', because some wacky right-winger in a fly-over red state pushed a bill through a republican controlled house and senate, because god told him to - despite the fact that what is up for discussion involves insurance that is paid for not by taxpayers, but by individuals themselves. So even though there is the medical fact that the medicine in birth control does more than just prevent babies, it should be made unavailable to vast numbers of women, because without insurance or planned parenthood, that, too, is prohibitively expensive. Don't think he'll undo coverage of Cialis, though. No way.
And before all you swinging dicks out there say that a woman "should find another partner to buy her birth control for her" (and yes, someone actually made that argument to me), condoms are not the only - or the best - way to prevent unwanted pregnancy. Taking away a woman's right to family planning is unethical and fucked up. Adding the insult of telling her to find a man to take care of her is just a misogynistic, asshole thing to do. Because now you take away pretty much every way a woman has to control her sexuality and her procreation. And here's something to note, old, out of touch dudes in government....the only reason this is even the quandary that it is, is that we as women are simply outnumbered in government representation. But your grip, it's slipping.
See men don't get this because they are not the ones that have to actually deal with it all. You know who is left holding the bag every time? The woman. She has to make the decisions, go to all of the appointments, carry the baby, go through the pains, rearrange her entire life and then, for at least the next eighteen years, be the primary caretaker of this child. By putting a woman through unnecessary procedures, prior to allowing her to exercise her right to an abortion - and I predict that without reliable and affordable birth control, the rate of unwanted pregnancies and therefor abortions will rise - the woman is left to deal with all of it, taking on the financial and emotional burden of a child she did not want or could not afford to want. And then, of course, add in the likelihood that she is not getting any help from the guy who knocked her up, because he doesn't have to carry the baby and he can run around acting like he doesn't know, it's not his, or he just doesn't want it. This, incidentally, is not a man-hating kind of post. Men are fantastic in many situations. On the subject of a woman's uterus as it pertains to legalese and the stripping of rights....not so much.
Yeah, you don't see a ton of men sticking around in these situations. No emotional, physical, or financial responsibility for men, unless they choose to take it - at least for the duration of the unwanted pregnancy. He can just say no and drop off, until the [unwanted] child is born and the woman puts up the money to drag the guy to court. Again, all on her. And you know why that is? Because men don't have to stick around. I guess technically neither do women, but you don't often see women abandoning their own kids.
No, instead, the woman will work 3 jobs trying to make ends meet. She can't go to school to get ahead in the job market, because she's got to feed these kids. And she's got to get them to school and when they get sick, she needs to find a way to pay for their medical care, since she can't get insurance at any of her 3 working class jobs; or the amount she has to pay in to get insurance, means she wouldn't be able to afford her rent, or get her 1991 Nissan Sentra fixed again, since she can't afford a new car. All of this could have been avoided if she could have gone to Planned Parenthood to get her annual check up, get screened for both cervical and breast cancer, and get some birth control, which would then pretty much clear up that future part of her financial burden, as she'd be able to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. This is obviously not every story, but this scenario in sum or in part is the story for a disproportionate number of women.
Taking away something as simple and important as birth control has a ripple effect that no one seems to want to think about, or that Republicans don't give a shit about (take your pick). If the Republican party in its current form continues with it's line of reasoning on this subject, this mother won't get any support with medical care for her children - since the state took away her ability to feasibly limit the size of her family, because it's apparently wrong for an elected government to care - in any form - for its constituents.
This may seem insanely illogical, but it seems to me that the cost of birth control is far, far less costly than entire households draining the system - be it welfare, prison, or otherwise. And to Rush Limbaugh's comment that the Democrats are "afraid of birth", um, you, sir, have a spotless record of not producing offspring. And while I'm at it, thank the universe for that gift - someone in Limbaugh's camp seems to be hitting the birth control pretty hard.
As for all of these hoops that women - who have been called stupid, irresponsible and slut - have to jump through to terminate a pregnancy, all I can say is:
Right wing nut-jobs, get the fuck away from my uterus and to use the old phrase, 'keep your laws off my body'. Our population is 51% women. We clearly need a representative goverment.
09 March, 2012
p.a.
In the last several years however, I have been presented with a slew of people for whom direct communication is just not an option. I have unwillingly and unwittingly been witness to the passive aggressive world - a world where no one speaks directly, or can, or will actually identify the root cause of a problem and take steps to resolve it, no matter how big, or small. It should be mentioned that a disproportionate chunk of these non-direct people communicate almost exclusively through text and chat, leaving a 100% chance for miscommunication open, because they only communicate in over-emotinal soundbytes. This intensifies the irritation factor greatly, due to the lack of concise and often far quicker ways to relay a message and move on.
In short, this uncommunicative, passive aggressive world is fucking annoying.
The PA world is populated by a bunch of friggin sandbags whose mission is solely to find some sort of conflict (though they will swear up and down that such is not the case), and to say stupid things like:
"well, I put it on facebook, so I shouldn't have to remember to invite / tell you. You should check my page",
or "you didn't express enough interest when I told you what I was doing, so I didn't invite you [and now am going to pout because you're not begging to come along] ",
or my personal favorite: the constant use of the word 'maybe' in response to direct yes or no questions (followed of course by silence, rather than information).
I don't understand that shit. The whole spider web of intimation, hints, pouting, phone-turning off, and fishing for responses to questions that were never asked, is just terribly inefficient. Those who espouse the whole PA lifestyle seem to me to be addicted to creating and sustaining some sort of drama, in an attempt to conduct some sort of weird social experiment, to see exactly how much frustration and mixed message a person will stick around for. I see it in the office, among friends and especially in dating. People, this - at the very least - doubles the amount of time one will have to spend navigating a situation to find a positive or amicable resolution.
New rules I've set up for myself include:
a) clear explanation (by me) of my perceived role in a situation, whether it be work, romantic, or otherwise, to avoid confusion on my part
b) not dating or associating with anyone whose name includes anywhere in it, the word drama, or who describes themselves as lonely, angry, or sad
c) exiting the conversation after the maybe trap is set to give the other person some time to think about the yes or no
d) discontinuing discussions after three (3) nonsensical fights, or misunderstandings are mustered out of thin air
e) running far, far away, the moment someone is fishing, yet will not cop to what it is he or she is fishing for.
The passive aggressive world is on notice. If you are a part of that world, I ask you kindly to stay the hell away from this girl, because I ain't got time for your antics anywhere in my world. I invite non-overly-emotive, highly intelligent people to join me in my quest for a drama-free existence. Together, we can polarize the passive-aggressives and they can whine and emote and manipulate each other into oblivion. Good plan.
08 March, 2012
fifty two days
And so it starts.....the NYC bucket list. Luckily, I will be in the city for spring, which I love, and I'll be near enough to the park and the water that I can enjoy it.
I'm overwhelmed by leaving the city, a little, and I don't care what anyone says; if you have lived in the city and moved around and much as I have, and experienced as many different sides of the city as I have, this becomes home. I am a New Yorker from California, but I'm a part of this place and it is my home. Consequently, I may be back in a few years.
But I'm off for now.......more to come.
01 March, 2012
quitters
'The group' is short for 'the group that will never reach its full potential'. A small collection of individuals that make life in this gilded cage at least moderately better, because they are....well.....not assholes. So the group is down two members now, soon to be three, when I give my notice in just four short weeks (assuming all goes well).
After I found out the quitting news today, I received an email from Boss titled "URGENT". There was a three paragraph, word document attached and the body of the email said this:
"Please make the spacing in paragraph 3 the same as the other paragraphs and send back to me right away."
Urgent means different things to different people.