smackers

Okay actually they are called Spanx, but I thought that would be a sucky title.

If you don't know - but seriously, who doesn't - girls do this strange binding ritual before they go out, when they are feeling less than spectacular about their shape, or are going to be photographed by the papparazzi. They squeeze ten pounds of sausage into five pound, stretchy, constricting casings called spanx. Spanx are basically modern girdles and while they do add a nice sleekness to just about any shape, the restriction that comes along with these bad boys is, well pretty restrictive.

Being a bit portly at the moment, I thought perhaps I should purchase a pair, in order to squeeze myself into shit I have no business wearing, so my odds of attracting a suitor would increase. I don't know what the hell got into me that this thought came across the scroll, but I found a pair that would (theoretically) "fit", and this morning, I attempted to pour myself into them. The logistics involved in this were significant. I think to put them on properly, one needs a team of professionals, a pair of rubber gloves, some advil and a shoe horn.

Once in them, movement is not so bad, generally speaking, however I do think they should include a catheter in the package, because should I have to use the ladies room, they will have to come down and then the quandary of how long it will take to summon the team, the rubber gloves and the pain meds versus just unpeeling the whole charade and letting the true level of rotund-ness shine through, is not worth it. I pretty much always err on the side of comfort, so I think I can say with some certainty, that this particular beauty garment will be leaving my arsenal.

The only thing I can think that would provide adequate explanation for the frequent wearing of this fabric boa constrictor, is that the girls who wear these things are like the floor model in the store. They are to be viewed only, not tested very rigorously and the dressing should never be altered, lest it mess up the aesthetic. I don't think those girls get laid. Just sayin. I mean what guy would be so patient as to wait while de-constriction is underway?