it's the pants

I realize that I am in my thirties and am nearing the age where it becomes an effort to relate to the teenage contingent of America. That said, I have always been pretty in touch with the goings on of the MTV Generation, since technically, I am still a part of it. There are however, some things that I don't now and may not ever understand. Pants below the ass is one of these things.

I need to clarify that I am a fan of baggy jeans. I am both old enough and young enough to remember a time when jeans had the look of being painted on, and guys went so far as to insert a sock into the buttonfly region in order to appear more, ahem, endowed. I also remember the happy realization that that look was beat, which then prompted the relaxing of the fit and the baggifying of pantaloons for gents across the world. It was a happy time. I don't know where we went wrong though, or why the jeans continued to get baggy to the point of not even really being on.

I have to ask why the hell youngsters these days feel they should even bother with wearing pants at all. They are only pulled up to mid-thigh, secured with some sort of sparkly belt, and their stanky boxers are bunched up above the "waistband" (I use that term loosely since it never has a chance to actually get near the waist), thinly veiling the pair of ass cheeks that sit on the subway, park benches and restaurant chairs, before coming to eventually rest on an unsuspecting couch or bed.

I suppose you could say that about any item of clothing that has touched the dirty world we all live in, but it seems just a hair shy of grotesque to think that the grundle of a teen wonder has been so poorly protected, due to a ridiculous fashion choice. It's also disgusting to think that the underwear of a teenage boy - who may or may not get the wiping job done - have been rubbed all over places where you or I rest our weary, well-covered bones for a few moments. I mean, with pants that low, dude's balls are practically resting on the chair. I mean think about this.....dude can actually whip it out without even unbuckling the belt. Ew. And ew.

In addition to the various health public health risks this trend has potential to cause, there is the part of the equation that makes absolutely no logical sense to me whatsoever: walking. If you have ever seen one of the low-pants tots out and about, you notice that they take strange steps - doing a sort of waddle-shuffle, since they appear not to have learned to pick their feet up, either. This walking style takes up an unusual amount of sidewalk space. In an effort to keep up the pants - which are normally held up by the ass actually occupying the ass space in the britches - lads are basically shoving their thighs outward in an effort to create enough tension to keep their pants from falling down completely. The gravitational pull of the yards of fabric pooling around their ankles must make it quite a struggle.

The only thing I can think of to combat this faux-pas is shame. However that only works if the shamer is within about five years in age, from the shamee, so I'm out. Rest assured though, I will continue to ponder potential solutions. For now, keep your clorox wipes at the ready.