eat, ate, ought

I just returned from London. It was my first trip to the UK, as when I resided in Europe, I always chose to take myself south, to warmer climes, than up to the rain and dreariness that England is known for. Of course this trip was scheduled for October....a month notorious for its sunshine and gentle, embracing breezes.

No matter though. I vini'd, I vidi'd, I vici'd. One thing struck me as insanely curious however. I thought this sort of phenomenon was indigenous to the red states of middle America, but I was stunned to learn, that even though the Brits have a reputation for bad food, the problem is far, far worse than I had originally estimated.

As I have come to understand, the whole of England is fed primarily from two staple ingredients: mayonnaise and bacon. Sometimes together. I cringe even thinking of the food I saw there. Mind you, I did have a few very good meals during my time abroad, however they were meticulously selected from a menu that had been sifted through slowly and carefully. Otherwise, I pretty much just didn't eat. You want a breakfast sandwich? Bacon or Bacon, miss? Lunch? How about a large vat of mayonnaise with some scarcely identifiable bits of "other things" (laced with bacon) in it on a "flaky", butter-soaked roll of some sort? Dinner? Well we've got a nice big pork sausage wrapped in bacon and served with some mayo on the side, with a side of coleslaw topped with bacon bits. Mmmmmmm.

I seriously think this must have been why the whole 'models not eating' thing started with Kate Moss (who is British). She didn't eat because she couldn't, lest she wind up looking like a portly, red-faced tube worker. Adds a whole new spin to how that whole problem started. Between the beer, the mayo and the bacon, the slightest frame could pack on fifteen pounds in a week! No good.

I'm considering changing course completely and moving to London to open up something like a Mexican restaurant. Or maybe just a catch-all kind of place, but with prominent placement of a "no bacon, no mayo, no problem" sign. Yum.