can't truss it

I don't trust anyone. I'm not proud of this, nor am I happy about it, but I also didn't choose this route voluntarily. See, I didn't grow up in the place where everything was fine, love conquered all and people banded together and protected each other. In my youth, the basic needs were met out of an extreme sense of duty, but if one wanted love and acceptance, you were in the wrong joint. It was an environment where you could and would get sold out if you made a mistake, shit got rough, or the other person(s) just didn't feel like putting in the effort to help you out. Your options were to be perfect or face total rejection.

Consequently, my friendships kind of went like that and my relationships sure as hell did. I have had a penchant with all but one person, of choosing people who have no chance of reciprocating any real or genuine love and affection. This is mostly due to the fact that we attract our own, generally speaking. You want to find friends or boyfriends who are going to be loyal to you and take care of you as they expect you to take care of them, but guess what....if you didn't grow up in that kind of environment, you're not playing with a full deck and it's sure as shit that you're gonna pick some other sorry asshole who's just like you, wanting a happy life and healthy relationships, but wandering around aimlessly, without a map or a plan, trying to find them.

But you really like each other, so you check it all out anyway....you hang out, you have things in common, you laugh and tell stories and have sex and maybe even make some nebulous future plans. What you don't realize, is that you are like two blind people holding hands and running through a field of landmines, and that eventually, as is destined to happen, you'll get your leg blown off and never have seen it coming. You'll find out that your friends have been talking shit, your boyfriend is spending as much or more time and affection on someone else and the earrings he gave you were a pair that he stole off of her dresser. All of the little white lies, the times when things didn't quite line up, but you let it go anyway - now they've all caught up and make sense. You feel like a total asshole. So now what?

At the outset and prior to the inevitable, what you failed to realize in your deluded state of hope and optimism, is that all of these little, seemingly harmless situations and circumstances lead to one road....Lack of Trust Dr. Once you are on this road, there are no exits unless you build them, so you'd better get used to the view if you don't intend to put in some serious work. But the work....ay, there's the rub.

There are only a handful of people that I have met in my years on this earth, who aren't inherently distrustful of everyone around them. This is not to say that these people are not cautious or aware, but they seem to be able to take people purely at face value and people generally seem to do right by them. I marvel at this. How do they accomplish this monumental feat? I wouldn't say that I am a jealous or even a very cynical person, but I will say, even if I've known you for years, I still harbor the assumption that one day, you're gonna fuck me over and bail, should the circumstance present itself. Not that you would be looking to do that, mind you, but it's happened "accidentally" enough times, that this is the taste and expectation I'm left with. I battle inwardly for a new set of expectations, daily.

See, everyone goes into relationships looking for someone to fit with them. Fit with their ideas, their plans, their friends, their likes and their dislikes. What people fail to realize, is that you have to do some fitting in as well. The more rigid we are about ourselves and our lives, the more difficult it will be to fit someone else in and the less we'll be able to fit in anywhere else either. The trust required to show someone who you are; to give them information about you, to love them, to let them love you back....that trust is fragile and it's hard to dole out when it feels like you're giving away your protection.

And therein lies the quandry, I suppose. Be alone with your friends and your normal routine and be "protected" from hurt, or take a chance on trusting someone with your peccadilloes. It might just add a dimension to your life you would never before have thought you'd experience. 'Sup to you.....