Ten percent luck, Twenty percent skill,
Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
Five percent pleasure
Fifty percent pain
And a 100 percent reason to remember the name
I have had that song stuck in my head for about two weeks now and after being at a regatta all weekend and having put myself back in the game by both getting a job and hurling myself back into the dating pool, I think my moxie is ratcheting up again.
It has also been in my head because it's Olympic season. We are just a couple of weeks away from watching a kid I knew since she was a tween win a medal, and following her progress has ensured that I will bawl my eyes out when I hear the national anthem play for her. Yeah, I'm totally living vicariously on this one, but for every one of her, there are twenty of me, who succumbed to injury and had our dreams stolen.
I have new dreams, though, and they are great. My story of not making the Olympics sucks, but is definitely not unique and I'm not the type to sit back and bemoan the past. When it comes down to it, you are where you are and you either move forward, or shrivel up and blow away. We can all still do great things and if we aren't pushing for more - ever hungry to be the best version of ourselves - then what's the point?
Make a difference in your own life, man. If you can't do that, all you can do is leech off of those who can. And I am a giver, but I don't like leeches.
18 July, 2012
13 July, 2012
burbs
So there I was, lost in Westlake Village, after having been on the Kevin and Bean show on KROQ. I had wiped out on the moped I bought to get around, after a car clipped me and sent me flying and since there was no public transportation, there I stood, stuck in washed-out nowhere, needing to get over 50 miles away from where I was, with a bunch of idiots staring at me like I was from outer space, since I asked about a bus.
What a nightmare. Literally. I woke up, looked around my room with an amazing view, realized I was still tucked safely in civilization and went back to sleep. After that it was a crazy sex dream, but I'll keep that for me. I think the fact that I was lost in a wasteland of suburbia with a bunch of drones looking on, wondering how the hell I was going to get out of there and faced with the prospect of walking 50 miles, illustrates how I feel about the suburbs. Even if you have a commuter rail, it's still the middle of fucking nowhere. That blase world of stucco, SUV's, strip malls and same-same shops which are somehow "unique" just makes me want to vomit.
I guess I'm a for real city girl, because when someone proposed that I move out of Manhattan a few years ago, to enjoy a lovely, trashy, little hamlet called Wantagh, I threw up in my mouth and then laughed hysterically, because why in the fuck would I ever want to do that?! To sit on a train for an average of 2.5 hours a day and stare at people, instead of being out doing the things I'd be thinking about doing on the train, but would get home to late to actually get to? Sounds idyllic; I can see the draw.
So yeah, I'm good where I am, in a city, no car, taking the bus to work at a place at which I can be proud of working, walking everywhere else and doing stuff. It was just a nightmare - or the first part, anyway.
I still want to know what the hell I was doing with a moped.
What a nightmare. Literally. I woke up, looked around my room with an amazing view, realized I was still tucked safely in civilization and went back to sleep. After that it was a crazy sex dream, but I'll keep that for me. I think the fact that I was lost in a wasteland of suburbia with a bunch of drones looking on, wondering how the hell I was going to get out of there and faced with the prospect of walking 50 miles, illustrates how I feel about the suburbs. Even if you have a commuter rail, it's still the middle of fucking nowhere. That blase world of stucco, SUV's, strip malls and same-same shops which are somehow "unique" just makes me want to vomit.
I guess I'm a for real city girl, because when someone proposed that I move out of Manhattan a few years ago, to enjoy a lovely, trashy, little hamlet called Wantagh, I threw up in my mouth and then laughed hysterically, because why in the fuck would I ever want to do that?! To sit on a train for an average of 2.5 hours a day and stare at people, instead of being out doing the things I'd be thinking about doing on the train, but would get home to late to actually get to? Sounds idyllic; I can see the draw.
So yeah, I'm good where I am, in a city, no car, taking the bus to work at a place at which I can be proud of working, walking everywhere else and doing stuff. It was just a nightmare - or the first part, anyway.
I still want to know what the hell I was doing with a moped.
11 July, 2012
09 July, 2012
rules
"Yeah, I know what you mean....people just give themselves away and I'm like x, y, z, which is totally not like that. I have rules I use to govern myself with, you know?"
Actually, I'm beginning to wonder about that. The above phrase has come up in a dozen or so conversations lately, on a variety of subjects and my innate skepticism has kicked in. It always makes me think, that type of statement. The way one projects oneself is often very different from the way one actually is. So is it delusion, hopefulness, or just lies?
One gets in far more trouble with people over lies than over honesty, generally, but I like to think that most people don't go out of their way to just make shit up, or misrepresent, most of the time. It's just such a curious thing to be listening to someone talk and then watch what they do and realize that there is a relativity to when people say "I don't do that", or "I'm not like that". Really? Are you suuuure? It's not really supposed to be a sliding scale, you know.
Job: People would never lie to get a job, never do shady things at work, never take a job they intend to quit, never walk out without professional courtesy.
Fact: People - including a large portion of those who say they would 'never', do that shit all the time.
Friendship: I would never lie to a friend, abandon a friend, jump to conclusions, flip out, or go behind a friend's back.
Fact: See Fact above.
Romance: I would never sleep with someone without a real connection, disappear on someone, lie to someone to manipulate them, or multi-task sexually and risk hurting someone's feelings.
Fact: Again, see Fact above.
Mind you, I'm not venting or complaining here, but as I'm an active participant in this great social experiment we have going, I observe and report my findings, as I see them. So I was sitting here watching a lightning storm, unable to sleep, due to an incredibly shoddy air conditioning system in my building (I'm not the only victim of this) and I started to ponder representation. Do we have expectations of one another that are too high, or have we accepted too low a standard, in these times?
And now that asshole car with the alarm that goes off every night is at it again. Violent claps of thunder are so much more soothing.
Actually, I'm beginning to wonder about that. The above phrase has come up in a dozen or so conversations lately, on a variety of subjects and my innate skepticism has kicked in. It always makes me think, that type of statement. The way one projects oneself is often very different from the way one actually is. So is it delusion, hopefulness, or just lies?
One gets in far more trouble with people over lies than over honesty, generally, but I like to think that most people don't go out of their way to just make shit up, or misrepresent, most of the time. It's just such a curious thing to be listening to someone talk and then watch what they do and realize that there is a relativity to when people say "I don't do that", or "I'm not like that". Really? Are you suuuure? It's not really supposed to be a sliding scale, you know.
Job: People would never lie to get a job, never do shady things at work, never take a job they intend to quit, never walk out without professional courtesy.
Fact: People - including a large portion of those who say they would 'never', do that shit all the time.
Friendship: I would never lie to a friend, abandon a friend, jump to conclusions, flip out, or go behind a friend's back.
Fact: See Fact above.
Romance: I would never sleep with someone without a real connection, disappear on someone, lie to someone to manipulate them, or multi-task sexually and risk hurting someone's feelings.
Fact: Again, see Fact above.
Mind you, I'm not venting or complaining here, but as I'm an active participant in this great social experiment we have going, I observe and report my findings, as I see them. So I was sitting here watching a lightning storm, unable to sleep, due to an incredibly shoddy air conditioning system in my building (I'm not the only victim of this) and I started to ponder representation. Do we have expectations of one another that are too high, or have we accepted too low a standard, in these times?
And now that asshole car with the alarm that goes off every night is at it again. Violent claps of thunder are so much more soothing.
07 July, 2012
hawt
It's hot. I mean it's what the fuuuuck hot. Had dinner and drinks last night and we were both schvitzing so badly on a rooftop deck that we skipped the little touches that give one a clue to how the date is going, entirely (this turned out to be a good thing, actually). My arms had a sheen to them that was borderline embarrassing.
No bother, however, because I wasn't prepared to argue the definition of a nerd or be told I don't fit into his definition because of my lack of interest in video games, mythical creatures such as dragons and elves, and comic books. I'm very, very happy not to fit in, based on those criteria. Dating sucks the cack, man. Thank god for living close and early nights.
But I did learn something.....I have come to realize I can't multitask in the dating arena. Once I find someone I like, I stick with it and since I kind of hate dating, going out with a series of 'maybe's' just has no appeal to me. You can be a good looking nerd and be 6'5, but height is not enough reason to steer away from chemistry. Enough o that, though. I soldier on, happily single until someone makes me smile for no reason at all.
So Check this shit out.....
I'm up early today though and ready to move from one storage unit to another, in order to save about $50 a month, because, well, it's still like that. It has to happen today. See that little 105 on the right? Yeah, that's trying to bust through my windows, right now. I guess the good news is, we're not suffering alone.
No bother, however, because I wasn't prepared to argue the definition of a nerd or be told I don't fit into his definition because of my lack of interest in video games, mythical creatures such as dragons and elves, and comic books. I'm very, very happy not to fit in, based on those criteria. Dating sucks the cack, man. Thank god for living close and early nights.
But I did learn something.....I have come to realize I can't multitask in the dating arena. Once I find someone I like, I stick with it and since I kind of hate dating, going out with a series of 'maybe's' just has no appeal to me. You can be a good looking nerd and be 6'5, but height is not enough reason to steer away from chemistry. Enough o that, though. I soldier on, happily single until someone makes me smile for no reason at all.
So Check this shit out.....
I'm up early today though and ready to move from one storage unit to another, in order to save about $50 a month, because, well, it's still like that. It has to happen today. See that little 105 on the right? Yeah, that's trying to bust through my windows, right now. I guess the good news is, we're not suffering alone.
03 July, 2012
arrrrrr
Frustration. The greatest motivator and yet the greatest, well, frustrator.
Am I a poacher if I take advantage of a situation that seems to be dropped in my lap with work, which could lead directly into my chosen career path and doesn't involve me hurting anyone?
Am I a rebound if I take advantage of the affections of someone who may or may not be ready to move forward from his last relationship? Still feeling that one out, of course, but my interest is high and so is my guard.
Am I stupid for having thrown myself into a precarious financial situation, relying on my resourcefulness to make up for the fact that unforeseen circumstances have the potential to derail this fragile balance I have at the moment?
Weirdest day ever and all I know at the moment, is that insomnia is a powerful thing and the wheels of my brain are turning faster than the lids of my eyes are heavy.
Am I a poacher if I take advantage of a situation that seems to be dropped in my lap with work, which could lead directly into my chosen career path and doesn't involve me hurting anyone?
Am I a rebound if I take advantage of the affections of someone who may or may not be ready to move forward from his last relationship? Still feeling that one out, of course, but my interest is high and so is my guard.
Am I stupid for having thrown myself into a precarious financial situation, relying on my resourcefulness to make up for the fact that unforeseen circumstances have the potential to derail this fragile balance I have at the moment?
Weirdest day ever and all I know at the moment, is that insomnia is a powerful thing and the wheels of my brain are turning faster than the lids of my eyes are heavy.
02 July, 2012
...and sense
I made a budget over the weekend. I'm pretty good at making a dollar out of fifteen cents, generally speaking, but this budget hurts. I mean cut me deep, live out of the change that's in the schooner glass I stole from Mutt's, circa 1996, hurt.
Temping doesn't afford a lavish lifestyle, unfortunately. That and the fact that I'm down to my last $200 in savings, means that things are a liiiittle dicey on the financial front. But by not getting / taking a different and more high-paying assignment, I was put into an insanely difficult financial situation (funny story, more on that later.....), but I ended up finding something I am passionately interested in. Details about the company itself will be forthcoming once I am hired on permanently (and I'm confident I will be). Suffice it to say though, the belt is pretty tight. The fact that I will have a whopping $26 left over after rent and bills each month and that my social life will basically have to consist of the free and the freeloading for a while, AND the fact that I cannot afford a gym membership, regular pedicures, dining out, boozing heavily or skydiving....well I kind of don't care, because I'm genuinely happy. Top that off with some chocolate candy and I don't have any complaints right now.
I think I've always known this, but it really is all about perspective. It's not about having what you want, but wanting what you have - seeing the beauty in every struggle and always pushing forward without letting the anger or frustration that you're bound to feel, overtake you. Most importantly, trust your instincts. In my first year of coaching, someone I greatly respected told me that I had some of the sharpest instincts he'd seen and that that can't only have applied to coaching. He said I should trust myself a little more and put some effort into honing that intuitiveness. I listened, I did.
That doesn't mean I advocate for blindly following whims like feathers in the wind, but rather acknowledging that feeling in your gut and then doing the due diligence to see what it actually means and where it will lead you. As previously stated, sometimes it will lead you off a cliff, but you'll have thought about that jump and decided that the risk is worth the unknown potential reward. Seems I have sprouted a set of fledgling wings on the way down, because I was literally about a week away from hitting the ground before I started to glide and turn upward again.
Long story long, I could always get hurt, it could all fall apart, and I could end up homeless (wouldn't be the first time), but I'm not focused on the negative what-if's at this point, because now that I'm here and I have a foothold - even if it's still a little unstable - I'm in a position to fight for what I want.
If you want something, you have to go out and get it. Set your sights on it and fight for it and figure it out. Life doesn't hand shit out, so the passive man will only get scraps.
Temping doesn't afford a lavish lifestyle, unfortunately. That and the fact that I'm down to my last $200 in savings, means that things are a liiiittle dicey on the financial front. But by not getting / taking a different and more high-paying assignment, I was put into an insanely difficult financial situation (funny story, more on that later.....), but I ended up finding something I am passionately interested in. Details about the company itself will be forthcoming once I am hired on permanently (and I'm confident I will be). Suffice it to say though, the belt is pretty tight. The fact that I will have a whopping $26 left over after rent and bills each month and that my social life will basically have to consist of the free and the freeloading for a while, AND the fact that I cannot afford a gym membership, regular pedicures, dining out, boozing heavily or skydiving....well I kind of don't care, because I'm genuinely happy. Top that off with some chocolate candy and I don't have any complaints right now.
I think I've always known this, but it really is all about perspective. It's not about having what you want, but wanting what you have - seeing the beauty in every struggle and always pushing forward without letting the anger or frustration that you're bound to feel, overtake you. Most importantly, trust your instincts. In my first year of coaching, someone I greatly respected told me that I had some of the sharpest instincts he'd seen and that that can't only have applied to coaching. He said I should trust myself a little more and put some effort into honing that intuitiveness. I listened, I did.
That doesn't mean I advocate for blindly following whims like feathers in the wind, but rather acknowledging that feeling in your gut and then doing the due diligence to see what it actually means and where it will lead you. As previously stated, sometimes it will lead you off a cliff, but you'll have thought about that jump and decided that the risk is worth the unknown potential reward. Seems I have sprouted a set of fledgling wings on the way down, because I was literally about a week away from hitting the ground before I started to glide and turn upward again.
Long story long, I could always get hurt, it could all fall apart, and I could end up homeless (wouldn't be the first time), but I'm not focused on the negative what-if's at this point, because now that I'm here and I have a foothold - even if it's still a little unstable - I'm in a position to fight for what I want.
If you want something, you have to go out and get it. Set your sights on it and fight for it and figure it out. Life doesn't hand shit out, so the passive man will only get scraps.
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