good. bye. enn. why.

I'm too tired and worn out to be poetic at the moment.  I guess it's fitting for a place that is so curt and cold, that I simply say 'see ya, New York'.

Good gravy has it been a nearly (and sometimes was) illegal amount of fun, an Everest of challenges, and a quick and dirty road to a solid future path.  I'm lying on a blow up mattress in what used to be my living room, waiting for the next four hours to pass, so I can get boarded and hit the road.

New York, I will pine for you later.  Today you taxed the shit out of me, in more ways than one, yet you rewarded me with time with a friend, a thoroughly satisfying dinner, and a beautiful night.  You always know how to finish it off, so that things linger in my mind, and that's why I'm in love with you, my home of nearly the last decade.  You always seem to know when to come in and show me something new, something I forgot about, or something I always love, to keep me wanting more.

My heart is breaking a little.  I love New York.

hitler

He seems to be the go to comparison, if you really want to give a highly offensive and completely illogical fuck you to someone.

I have a guarded relationship with the internet. Fact is ever harder to find among fiction and the speed at which lies and hyperbole can infect the minds of people - along with the unbelievably large number of non-research driven and seemingly obtuse ears available - is staggering.

Here's how these two things tie together. Negative rhetoric is only constructive when it is based in fact or reasonable possibility. Comparing someone to Hitler immediately shoots you out of the realm of legitimacy, unless the person being compared is literally a syphilitic, speed-addicted, ethnic cleansing, mass murderer. I think we can all agree that in the United States of America today, there are no candidates running for president, who have records or proclivities toward anything even remotely resembling that. In short, that comparison is the embodiment of the lunatic fringe. You now cannot be taken seriously, because you're stupid.

It's exhausting to even know that bullshit like this exists. I am spending time writing about the fact that we have so much access to each other and what everyone wants to spout off about, that we take these off the cuff sound bytes as fact, first. So few of us do the legwork to find the details or fact check, that the crazy goes viral and people start thinking that it's okay to say incendiary things, introduce ridiculous and false information and steer away from the logical, constructive discussion that must be had in order to proceed.

This is only a rant. I wish I had some viable idea as to how to fight with crazy, but you know what they say about that.

zone

I am in the middle of where the magic happens presently. And it is uncomfortable. But awesome. Plus I liked this picture and I'm mailing it in today, so this is a win on all fronts.

stoned.

I needed to jump off. I needed to go big and take that gut crushing risk again. I am a person who can and does chuck it all for the big change, for the prospect of bettering myself as a person. I believe in big, calculated risks – how the fuck else do you get anywhere? People don’t just hand shit out. If you want it, you have to fight for it. You have to figure it all out yourself and be your own guide. You have to look outside of yourself and figure out who you should respect, whose opinion you should take…..you learn that if you just do your research, you can grow by leaps and bounds. Your questions are more precise. Your understanding is quicker. You have a broader base from which to grow. It’s phenomenal and exciting. And it leads you to jump, which is scary and exciting and stressful and blissful all at once. The best part about me is, I don't need someone else to push me to it. This comes from within and yeah, it scares me a little too, sometimes. But I like it.

I don’t do this shit lightheartedly. I think and I listen and I watch and then I pace the whole thing out ten steps in ten different ways.  But there is always the first gap - the big one. The one that requires the leap, like jumping between two high rises.  Once you cover that, though, your ability to cover the subsequent gaps improves and if you have done your due diligence, you land pretty much right where you should. Then the variables are so much easier to hurdle. 

As in any jump, the most important part is the belief in the leap. If you second guess that, you’re fucked and you’ve just assured your failure; your forty story failure. No. You have to run like you're escaping death and leap with your whole self - body and soul, fully extended. That’s the only way to hit the other side running. 

So this is me, leaping. I don’t have anything right now but a plan and a limited time to execute it. But you can bet your bottom fucking dollar that this is getting done and done well.

well, shiat

I think I can safely say about myself, that when I go, I go big. I have found the ability to be aggressive with life and chill with people and I think I'm just going to embrace it. But why the hell does it have to be so damn hard to find a halfway decent apartment? I have between 21 and 27 days left, depending on the housing market, but I realized on the trip back that I am no longer in a rush to get to the next step, because it's now an inevitability. That is such a calming feeling.

I had some very perspecitve-orienting experiences over this extended weekend I took. The most worthy of mention involved standing in front of an inscription on a wall. I stood there reading it and was genuinely transported outside of all of my list items and sources of stress and mired thoughts. I totally did the lone tear thing, but not on purpose.

But in that moment, I had that wonderful feeling of being put in my place as far as struggles and goals went. It was as if the universe was calling me out and telling me to go harder. The only way to describe the feeling is that it's like trying to run up a hill, while pulling a wagon full of stones. And then a couple of the stones fall out and your speed and technique start to increase. Soon, I'll be running.

Finding the ability to translate those moments again is a good sign. Who gives a shit if someone thinks it's hokey, or hippie crap, or whatever. The inner silence in those moments is a private victory and I think it's fucking awesome. I'd suggest it to anyone.

ahhhhh

The pain. I am presently unable to sit in any one position for more than about 30 seconds, because of the pain level in my lower back and hips. Feels like the year 2001 all over again, but at least I'm doing something. Gotta put those last few insurance dollars to work before I'm back with the broke and impoverished again, 'cause it's 27 days days and 15 work days left. I have an appointment with boss to give my notice tomorrow afternoon and quite frankly despite the fact that I cannot move at all, I want the time to fly by so I can hand Boss the letter and start my goodbyes. If boss gets all fired up I'll be pretty scared though, because in my current condition, I think boss could take me.

So now onto something else.....change and my cynical commentary on it. I am - obviously - down with change. I'd even go so far as to say I'm good at it. I believe in change and in people's capacity to change......mostly. What I have found though, is that for many, even most people, changing location or job may be challenging, or it may be easy for some, but change of self is hard and many have a difficult time sticking with changes long term. I mean, truth be told, once you're an obnoxious, entitled, hot-head, it's hard to turn that off. You can claim enlightenment over and over and describe yourself as "a work in progress" (code for: I'm a total dick and I just want you to stick around longer). You can talk evolution all you want in the peaceful moments, but when it really comes down to it, if you are a hot-head asshole who overreacts to things and is selfish with your support of those in your life, it's probable that no one believes you; that the people you hurt and alienated have already called it a day.

Wonder why it's not all going well? Probably because it was all talk. Time for action.....but on your own time, away from me, please. I'm in the middle of some changes.

And this disjointedness is what happens when my back hurts and I'm hopped up. I'll write about the frogs and the kittens in balloons (how do their claws not pop them?) later.