The below conversation (presented for your amusement and to prove a point) was had between me and a dude I apparently knew, but don't really remember, from high school. These are full and separate emails, mind you and I have not changed anything (ie: punctuation, numbers, letters, etc).
dude: long time so what u been up 2?
me: I've just been working and drinking! How about you? How have you been?
dude: same here! not enough hrs~ 2 do both! lol
me: Ha....well that's where you've got a problem, then! NY runs on booze, not dunkin donuts, as previously thought.
dude: can i tell u a secret?
me: sure....
dude: u r EEEEEEVIL!!!! lol but TRUE!
me: It's a secret that I'm evil? I totally thought the jig was up on that a long time ago, haha. How do you like Louisiana?
dude: it slow which i mean peaceful! no drive bys; no gangs ; miss the beach though. if u love outdoors come down south! every1 says hi! straners helping strangers!!! ca & ny 2 busy 4 that!
dude: u should come down 4 mari gras! listen 2 this they got daquri shacks here! i lived in 7 states louisiana is only state that has drive through daquri shacks!
me: Drive through frozen alcoholic beverages? Now if that's not intelligent, I don't know what is, haha. So I guess the cops hang out about a mile or two down the road?
dude: as long as the straw isnt in the lid, its concidered a closed container! there in between a strong icy~ 2 a drink w/ 8 shots of liquer! damn there gr8! lol
I'll stop there because it's hurting my eyes to re-read these. He didn't even spell liquor right. Sin of all sins!
I shared some of this with a coworker and to my comfort, she completely agreed with my snobbiness when it comes to proper diction and semi-intelligible writing. I'm going on record to say....if you don't reflect intellectual curiosity or intelligence in your speaking and writing and if you cannot write a complete sentence with the words spelled properly, I will feel really bad for you and will never go out with you. Now mind you, this dude isn't necessarily trying to go out with me - despite the repeated invitations to attend mardi gras and hit up the drive-thru daquiri shack - however, I'm literally in pain in this conversation.
I know, I'm a pompous ass who should take my pompous assholery and hit the bricks already. It is important to note however, that I'm not saying that this dude is a bad person. I'm not saying he deserves a cockroach infestation in his house or that he can't press a suit. I am saying none of those things. What I AM saying, is that people - and not just dude, because this is an epidemic - really ought to make a greater effort to learn to communicate properly in their native tongue. The days of it being cool to be stupid are o.ver.
The occasional typo, misused word, I can forgive. The blatant onslaught of shitty written and verbal skills is assaulting to my senses and is something I can't go back for seconds on. And I'm not alone. So dudes (and chicks), can we all agree to make a more concerted effort? Can we please, please, for fucks sake embrace the beauty that is good grammar? Can we marvel together at the grace and potency of the well-written word?
Or can we please just not communicate with one another? Please?
Yes, you can direct your hate mail to me. It's cool.
30 November, 2011
29 November, 2011
el shake
There's a juice and fruit cart on the corner of 56th and Broadway that I patronize everyday on my way to work. I go so often, that when they see me coming, the people who staff the cart start my order, so it's usually just about ready when I get to it and pay. I get a scary looking, yet delicious shake made of a lot of green stuff, masked by fruit and with added protein. It's like crack, it's so good, so I call it the crack-shake. Clever, I know.
So there I was the other day - the cold day - running dreadfully late for work. I mean, I could have still made it on time, but then I forgot something and had to go back upstairs, so I had literally no cushion. I thought of not stopping at the cart, but no, no, I needed that crack-shake. As per usual, I peeled around the corner and threw a five at the cart guy, swooped up my shake and kept on toward my office. Then I got to the corner, where two dudes in City Sights gear were having a conversation of some sort.
They kept shuffling, these City Sights gents. I tried to get out of their way, as we waited for the light to change and stepped into the street. Because they were the weaving type, I swung out wide to the right, with ample clearance, and started across the street. That is until one of the dudes began swinging his arms wildly.
I'm not exaggerating here. The flailing was a fully extended, oblivious-to-the-world sort of antic and the tip of his fingers, reaching maximum velocity in their animated motion, caught my cup juuuuust as I was about to take a swig. Did I mention that it was really cold that day, and that I was carrying-slash-drinking a frozen beverage?
Flash forward approximately one second and I was wearing the entire thing, from head to toe. And I was late.
The wildman made a feeble attempt to apologize and took my 2"x 2" napkin in an effort to dab away at the twenty ounces of frozen, blended deliciousness that now adorned my shirt, pants, jacket, hair, hands and even - yes - even my bra. Every step I took between that corner and my office saw splotches of tasty crack-shake glob off and fall to the ground. I left a trail from Carnegie hall to my building. A trail of unrequited deliciousness.
The kicker here is not that I was already late, wearing a shade of frozen green that I wouldn't normally don, no longer had my breakfast AND was cold. The kicker is that when I got to work.........
I got in trouble.
Because it was my fault that the friggin bus-seller dude doused me, or better yet, I clearly did it myself in order to procure a larger dry cleaning bill and have organic fruits and vegetables gracing my lovely, matted mane for the next ten hours. Yes, in the gilded cage that is my fund, it makes sense to be angry with people when random, annoying shit happens to them. Athankyou.
So there I was the other day - the cold day - running dreadfully late for work. I mean, I could have still made it on time, but then I forgot something and had to go back upstairs, so I had literally no cushion. I thought of not stopping at the cart, but no, no, I needed that crack-shake. As per usual, I peeled around the corner and threw a five at the cart guy, swooped up my shake and kept on toward my office. Then I got to the corner, where two dudes in City Sights gear were having a conversation of some sort.
They kept shuffling, these City Sights gents. I tried to get out of their way, as we waited for the light to change and stepped into the street. Because they were the weaving type, I swung out wide to the right, with ample clearance, and started across the street. That is until one of the dudes began swinging his arms wildly.
I'm not exaggerating here. The flailing was a fully extended, oblivious-to-the-world sort of antic and the tip of his fingers, reaching maximum velocity in their animated motion, caught my cup juuuuust as I was about to take a swig. Did I mention that it was really cold that day, and that I was carrying-slash-drinking a frozen beverage?
Flash forward approximately one second and I was wearing the entire thing, from head to toe. And I was late.
The wildman made a feeble attempt to apologize and took my 2"x 2" napkin in an effort to dab away at the twenty ounces of frozen, blended deliciousness that now adorned my shirt, pants, jacket, hair, hands and even - yes - even my bra. Every step I took between that corner and my office saw splotches of tasty crack-shake glob off and fall to the ground. I left a trail from Carnegie hall to my building. A trail of unrequited deliciousness.
The kicker here is not that I was already late, wearing a shade of frozen green that I wouldn't normally don, no longer had my breakfast AND was cold. The kicker is that when I got to work.........
I got in trouble.
Because it was my fault that the friggin bus-seller dude doused me, or better yet, I clearly did it myself in order to procure a larger dry cleaning bill and have organic fruits and vegetables gracing my lovely, matted mane for the next ten hours. Yes, in the gilded cage that is my fund, it makes sense to be angry with people when random, annoying shit happens to them. Athankyou.
28 November, 2011
straws
It is approximately sixty days until bonus time. I pray and pray that I can hold out until then and not tell several people in my office to 'va-tu faire en culee'.
See, I didn't get a bonus last year because I left my good job earlier than I wanted to, something that has greatly affected me this year. Were I to not receive a bonus this year, I would straight up be homeless in no time. That's not a joke, either. That's for real. So every single day that ticks by in this place, where I get bitched out for nothing and everything just because someone or other woke up with a bite on her ass, is a victory.
Can I count to sixty?
See, I didn't get a bonus last year because I left my good job earlier than I wanted to, something that has greatly affected me this year. Were I to not receive a bonus this year, I would straight up be homeless in no time. That's not a joke, either. That's for real. So every single day that ticks by in this place, where I get bitched out for nothing and everything just because someone or other woke up with a bite on her ass, is a victory.
Can I count to sixty?
23 November, 2011
holi-suckiness
Guess what, friends?! It's time for the annual curmudgeon-fest that is the stupid holiday season. Yes, I still hate them, still wish them all away and am really only in it for the booze.
If there were a way to be magically transported from the day before thanksgiving to the day after christmas without having to endure any of it, I would sign up in a heartbeat. I'm going to try, though, to make this my last post to that effect, for the 2011 season, because this year is not over and there is still a lot of work to do in order for me to wrap it up the way I want. So tomorrow, I will be at a close friend's house, chilling with people I enjoy spending time with and eating and drinking to great excess.
But on Friday....Friday I will do some long, relaxing steady state to get myself ready for a very full weekend of training, studying and partying. I plan to carry that agenda out through the end of the year and I feel I can say with confidence, that although the beginning of the year proved to be a somewhat slow start, the last half of the year has been picking up at a good clip. This means 2012 has tons more potential from the get. Clearly I should try and stay in the positive through this trying time, then.
I still hate christmas music and no, I don't want to watch it's a fucking wonderful life.
If there were a way to be magically transported from the day before thanksgiving to the day after christmas without having to endure any of it, I would sign up in a heartbeat. I'm going to try, though, to make this my last post to that effect, for the 2011 season, because this year is not over and there is still a lot of work to do in order for me to wrap it up the way I want. So tomorrow, I will be at a close friend's house, chilling with people I enjoy spending time with and eating and drinking to great excess.
But on Friday....Friday I will do some long, relaxing steady state to get myself ready for a very full weekend of training, studying and partying. I plan to carry that agenda out through the end of the year and I feel I can say with confidence, that although the beginning of the year proved to be a somewhat slow start, the last half of the year has been picking up at a good clip. This means 2012 has tons more potential from the get. Clearly I should try and stay in the positive through this trying time, then.
I still hate christmas music and no, I don't want to watch it's a fucking wonderful life.
22 November, 2011
the 9%
The IRS is more popular than congress. Having a relative who works for the IRS (no, sadly there is no frill to that), I found that especially funny, because I love to tease my uncle about working for the grim collector.
However, after yesterday's stalemate of complete bullshit with this tea party driven congress of jokers and do-nothing-ers, I'm glad to see that the public is beginning to have some perspective on the relative evils in some of our government institutions, if nothing else.
You know what I say? Fine. Do nothing, jackasses. By doing nothing, the Bush tax cuts get repealed and taxes go back to those of the Clinton years when everything was going pretty well. Then - while you bitch about that and the gross injustice of your own ineptitude - maybe the rest of us could take a page from the WPA era and give some people jobs repairing our infrastructure, or something crazy like that. In wasting all this time trying to make the president look bad, they are going to accidentally repeal the tax protection for the most wealthy and get themselves all voted out. Here's hoping!
Carry on, morons, carry on.
However, after yesterday's stalemate of complete bullshit with this tea party driven congress of jokers and do-nothing-ers, I'm glad to see that the public is beginning to have some perspective on the relative evils in some of our government institutions, if nothing else.
You know what I say? Fine. Do nothing, jackasses. By doing nothing, the Bush tax cuts get repealed and taxes go back to those of the Clinton years when everything was going pretty well. Then - while you bitch about that and the gross injustice of your own ineptitude - maybe the rest of us could take a page from the WPA era and give some people jobs repairing our infrastructure, or something crazy like that. In wasting all this time trying to make the president look bad, they are going to accidentally repeal the tax protection for the most wealthy and get themselves all voted out. Here's hoping!
Carry on, morons, carry on.
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