it's the pants

I realize that I am in my thirties and am nearing the age where it becomes an effort to relate to the teenage contingent of America. That said, I have always been pretty in touch with the goings on of the MTV Generation, since technically, I am still a part of it. There are however, some things that I don't now and may not ever understand. Pants below the ass is one of these things.

I need to clarify that I am a fan of baggy jeans. I am both old enough and young enough to remember a time when jeans had the look of being painted on, and guys went so far as to insert a sock into the buttonfly region in order to appear more, ahem, endowed. I also remember the happy realization that that look was beat, which then prompted the relaxing of the fit and the baggifying of pantaloons for gents across the world. It was a happy time. I don't know where we went wrong though, or why the jeans continued to get baggy to the point of not even really being on.

I have to ask why the hell youngsters these days feel they should even bother with wearing pants at all. They are only pulled up to mid-thigh, secured with some sort of sparkly belt, and their stanky boxers are bunched up above the "waistband" (I use that term loosely since it never has a chance to actually get near the waist), thinly veiling the pair of ass cheeks that sit on the subway, park benches and restaurant chairs, before coming to eventually rest on an unsuspecting couch or bed.

I suppose you could say that about any item of clothing that has touched the dirty world we all live in, but it seems just a hair shy of grotesque to think that the grundle of a teen wonder has been so poorly protected, due to a ridiculous fashion choice. It's also disgusting to think that the underwear of a teenage boy - who may or may not get the wiping job done - have been rubbed all over places where you or I rest our weary, well-covered bones for a few moments. I mean, with pants that low, dude's balls are practically resting on the chair. I mean think about this.....dude can actually whip it out without even unbuckling the belt. Ew. And ew.

In addition to the various health public health risks this trend has potential to cause, there is the part of the equation that makes absolutely no logical sense to me whatsoever: walking. If you have ever seen one of the low-pants tots out and about, you notice that they take strange steps - doing a sort of waddle-shuffle, since they appear not to have learned to pick their feet up, either. This walking style takes up an unusual amount of sidewalk space. In an effort to keep up the pants - which are normally held up by the ass actually occupying the ass space in the britches - lads are basically shoving their thighs outward in an effort to create enough tension to keep their pants from falling down completely. The gravitational pull of the yards of fabric pooling around their ankles must make it quite a struggle.

The only thing I can think of to combat this faux-pas is shame. However that only works if the shamer is within about five years in age, from the shamee, so I'm out. Rest assured though, I will continue to ponder potential solutions. For now, keep your clorox wipes at the ready.

awake

there is a quote I like that has come to mind a lot lately.

it begins with: "It's not how much more you can take, it's how much more you can give.

It's true in team sports, and it's true in life. I spent tonight with a group of people who talked extensively about achieving happiness and success in life by sending good out into the world and giving your best to others as a means to attaining the successes you want. novel.

i totally buy it.

j.o.buh

Apparently people are going annonymous these days. Must have been an exchange to that effect, but enough o that.

Everyone wishes for a week off here and there. It's a chance to rejuvenate, to stop stressing about the daily grind, and to do things you really want to do, but never seem to have the time for. Of course, this is only enjoyable and stolen time, if you have gainful employment.

I am now, for pretty much the first time in my life, unemployed. The time off is not fun. But this is where I hit a snag.....how are there so many people in the world who just don't work. How does someone keep a gig like that up? I really can't wrap my mind around how a person can sit day in and day out, doing whatever, and not having gainful employment and a steady paycheck to rely on. I am five days into this process and I'm going out of my mind. The stress of NOT going to work is almost overwhelming.

Some people in this situation, would take advantage and go shopping mid-day, meet "people" (though I don't know who has mid-day time for this shit) out for coffee, see a Broadway matinee, or have a liquid lunch that turns into a liquid afternoon, evening and night. Here's where the logic of that enjoyment loses me though: if you are hemorrhaging money out, with nothing coming in, how do you reconcile those expenditures?

I realize this may seem a little dramatic, given that it has only been a week, but regardless, it's a week that doesn't have an end, because I haven't received the call for work until I head out of dodge in a few. I think the only thing to do at this point, is to flee the country and enter into self-imposed exile until things pick up. I'm not sure how that works out, but it seems counterintuitive to blow a bunch of money in a town that is sucking me dry, despite the relative ability of about a million people around me everyday to do it.

I think perhaps I should hit up the learning annex for classes on how to navigate unemployment properly. I need tips on how to while away in total unproductive and impoverished bliss, without caring where the next dime is coming from. Or perhaps I am missing a money making opportunity here. Perhaps I can use joblessness as a research experiment and then create my own class to teach others how to waste away properly.

Lesson one....in order to be properly useless, one must have the appropriate daytime television lineup. I shall commence on the morrow and will report back. But look at that....my industry has no bounds. I will make a business out of being without business. Stay tuned.....

gfy

See, the thing about dealing with assholes, is that by and large they don't actually believe that they ARE assholes. It's a tricky situation when someone believes that despite their bad behavior, obnoxious attacks and complete disregard for anyone around them, that they are indeed a "good person".

That phrase - good person - gets thrown around too much these days. Because there are a lot of not-good people out there, most of whom think they are good, loyal, honest, etc. But honesty and goodness seem to be quite subjective these days. One seems to be able to simply claim the title in order to have it. I think some of this has to do with the whole benefit of the doubt thing.

For instance....if someone is "nice" to another person, they automatically get a billing of good. If that same person is nice to a select few people, but an asshole to everyone else, said person seems to feel as though their decent behavior to the few, should wash away the many, when in fact, it does not. Once it is proven to someone that their benefit of the doubt was indeed erroneous, that benefit is expired and the true relationship - or lack thereof - begins, with the granter having the harsh realization that they have been had.

Generally when this happens, the asshole will scramble and try to make nice so that the ruse won't be exposed, but when the jig is up, the jig is up, because as we all know, leopards don't change their spots. They can put on a zebra costume, but then it's just a leopard in a zebra shell.....an asshole in nice's clothing.

My advice to assholes, is to stop acting like they are not something that they are. If you're an asshole, wear it. Own it. Assholes can be dealt with, but only if this trait is up front. If the recipient of assholery knows the deal up front, he or she can make allowances and plan escape routes, thereby minimizing contact and interaction and avoiding the pain and frustration of dealing with a shoddy, self-indulgent person.

So assholes of the world, I plead with you to take off your masks and stop parading around as legitimately nice people. It's confusing, annoying, and costly. Thank you.

rah rah oohh la laaaaa

I'm big in the big house. Not big enough to draw the attention of un-incarcerated wonders such as scruffyboots or Kayla, mind you, but I have a modest following with the jail / prison crowd, of which I'm quite proud. If I can break up the monotony of anyone's day by providing something to laugh or think about, I am honored to do so. Of course in truth, I'm the "writer" that everyone thinks they are. A respected author in my own mind. I don't get paid to write, don't do it consistently enough, have a following of about 3 (on a really heavy day) and don't put down anything of real substance or consequence about ninety five percent of the time.

Okay so anyway, there I was on my way to work this morning, when I rounded the corner on 73rd Street and was taken aback by some delightful pungentness. I don't even know if that's a word, but it was definitely a smell. Having been greeted so pleasantly, it took me a second to identify the owner, who as it turns out was a small-yet-portly homeless woman with a cheerleading sweater, raggedy pants and running shoes with holes the size of half-dollars. At the moment when I rounded the corner, she was fishing through several plastic bags tied to a New York seized supermarket shopping cart, but as soon as she saw me, she popped right up and I almost expected her to throw her arms up in a V, do a pike and say 'o-KAY!'.

I've seen homeless people wearing and doing all manner of things, to the point that I rarely take notice any longer. I could regale you with stories for days about my sidewalk and subway adventures with the downtrodden of our fair metropolis. In this case however, it was the alertness and crispness with which she jumped to attention that really got me. She looked to be at least in her late forties, but that moment really made me wonder about the past of this person. I mean at one time, she could have been the head cheerleader at Fillmore High in Topeka, circa 1981. Could have even bagged half the football team and thrown in a couple of baseball players or wrestlers for good measure, in her heyday.

I flashed forward to a new community outreach program featuring homeless football. Kind of like lingerie football, only more interesting. In this arena, the guy who has suffered the elements day in and day out, picking cans and sitting outside Starbucks begging latte-laden passersby for change, can really take out the aggression that has no doubt been building inside on - well another homeless guy who has the same mountain of anger and resentment. But still - this would be a golden opportunity for the above-mentioned lady, because no football team - except the Steelers - is complete without cheerleaders. She would get to launder and wear that relic of better days, though hopefully with those snazzy cheer pants instead of the skimpy catholic school getup on the lower half.

You know, I'm going to talk to someone about this. It could be my parting gift to New York....imagine the ratings......

facts of life

Some people die at thirty, but aren't buried until they are seventy five.


You can think on that one....I think that sentence stands by itself and doesn't really require a lot of additional commentary. Except....that isn't now and will not ever be me.