....'nother round

I'm a planner and I'm a fan of a good routine. My entire life I have been juggling tons of different projects, groups and activities and have thus been forced to become ridiculously organized. It has also made me a huge fan of structure. I am "goal oriented" and what's more, "action oriented." I am the person who uses the "task" portion of Outlook on a regular basis. I note and then check off. I label.

Lately however, I am among a growing number of people in my life who are having serious difficulty with a solid routine for just about anything. I make my plans, lay them all out, neat and pressed and then when the slightest change in plans comes along, I feel like my house of cards has tumbled and I've got to start all over. Like everything I have done up to that point is moot and negated. Even writing it out right now, I am struck by how fucking stupid that sounds, but there it is in all its embarrassing inconsistency.

What happened to being able to stay on a roll? So many people I know are fighting with that circumstance. Kicking and fighting to get out of a bad or draning position and then finally, things start to look up. Then juuust when the situation is looking bright, just as quick as it all started to be so good, it all falls apart. Not just slows up or gets difficult, shatters to pieces worse than if it never happened at all. Like we are all telling ourselves that there's no way it could actually be that good for us, so if we subconsciously destroy it, and therefore ourselves, then we were right all along. No surprises.


But even with the bars and a thousand other inmates with whom to commiserate, the story is not going to get any different without a good, fucking plan. The kind of anal retentive plan that people make fun of, if they find it. The kind that has long range goals and short range goals and expected outcomes and progress markers. The kind that becomes studied and automated and when coupled with a good self-talk and good behavior, is nearly impossible to fail.

I'm sticking to the whole plan this time. Got the job, made the budget, going to get my shit straightened out for real and for good. I'm now learning what I should have been taught at 10; you have to plan it out and give yourself the good life, because most of us ain't getting good advice from many other sources.