merry ex-mass

Ah yes....another annoying holiday season is almost to the door. I've survived and am only a couple pounds heavier for the wear, so it's all good.

I'm forced to wonder though, what are the ingredients for a successful christmas celebration? In the decade since I stopped torturing myself with my own family, I've been to a number of christmas events, hosted by the families of different friends. I am so honored and flattered that they invite me into their lives and into their houses, that even though I feel a bit like an interloper, it's like entree into the world of the normal, where people love each other and treat each other well and make each other genuinely happy.

However, I must note that I have only been to a few events out of those 10 years, where someone did not have a fit or a problem about something, which stressed everyone out and that had to be smoothed over. I guess that's the way it goes when you put a bunch of relatives who are all tired and overfed in a room together for many hours on end. But those episodes are always short-lived and well-handled and in the end, everyone comes around and the love and happiness conquer and abound.

What is that like? I truly wonder if I will ever be able to legitimately build that situation and have a family to toast over a large table full of food. Will I find the life where being together with a person or people I love will be a logical request, no matter who else is at the table? I say that not in the "woe is me" sense, but in the "if it's never been there before, will it really ever" sense. Because if you've never really had it that way, or at least not in the last 20 years, it almost seems like a strange desire. I don't want these days to be sad and difficult forever, it's way too much of a pain in the ass for that.

All that aside, I do genuinely wish everyone and anyone a joyful day and happy memories and a safe and satisfied slumber. Merry xmas.