live without

There are things I could totally do without.

I could do without people who obstruct public passageways. I could do without superiors who don't work very hard, yet harp on the rest of their minions for not making them look good at board meetings. I could do without unnecessary strife in my relationships, and I could do without my asthma on long runs.

But even the things I could do with, seem to have a hidden "I could do without" clause attached to them somewhere. Thoughts like that have been all too pervasive in my thought process lately. It's so easy to hear in my head and so easy to look at it from that perspective, but I've become disgusted by it, because that's not who I am. I am not a "half empty" kind of girl.

I'm finding that there is a level of spite and jealousy that rears when those thoughts and phrases come to mind. As if all of the successful people of the world did nothing to earn it. I've washed myself of these sentiments, because they simply don't reflect my true opinions, even if they poke into my thoughts every now and then. This nonsense was most recently brought to my attention by a caustic homeless man, sitting on 45th St. with a sign detailing his hunger and poverty, the other day. He barked at my co-worker and I as we walked to the deli for breakfast, even trying to reference a part of our conversation, on which he had eavesdropped. Apparently, poverty has not yet affected his bionic aural skills. We ignored him and I went on to purchase my usual hazelnut coffee and egg whites and tomato on a baily. The total price tag for this extravagant meal was $4.24.

Upon exiting and walking back to the office, the homeless man in question, who incidentally, didn't look like he'd skipped any meals in his life, snapped out another series of insults, at which time, I became incensed and stopped in my tracks. Now, I realize that this probably didn't have any effect on him other than to fill his hatred coffer even further, but I simply told him that I worked my ass off for my $4.24 morsels and to go fuck himself. Then I forgot about him and realized, it was true. I do work my ass off for that breakfast, and every other breakfast I've ever purchased for myself.

That annoying fuck actually did me a favor in that moment because I realized that for the last several months, I've been looking at everything I need and don't have, instead of the things that are good and hard-fought, that I do have. I'm more broke, in terms of disposable income, than I've ever been since I was probably 11 years old, when I became the town babysitter in order to afford a social life. I rarely go out right now and there are many, many things which I "need" in the athletic or home-organization senses, that annoy me because I don't have them. I will not die without new running shoes or more shelves.

But what I do have, and to which I've failed to give due credit, are drive and work ethic and a pretty decent network of fantastic people who care about me and want to see me succeed. And I do have the ability and wherewithal to make changes in my life and to climb higher and do better than I've ever done before, given some smart and strategic decision making skills, which I also possess. So really, the changes are up to me and it's just a matter of taking inventory of what's good and using it as a platform to work toward what's better. I'd say skills are better than stuff anyday, because without skills, you can only be given stuff and there's no dignity in constantly groping for charity.

So I'm back to the mantra I've adopted since pre-pubescence: If you want something, you have to go out and work for it. There is no such thing as success by waiting. I can live with that.