ah, friday. supposedly the best day of the week. time to relax, ditch out of work early and go enjoy drinks down the street with co-workers before eventually running into a significant other or going home and passing out in anticipation of sleeping in.
today, however, is a day where i must think and think and think. scheme, plan, plot....how the fuck am i gonna get money?
i sort of pride myself on my ability to adapt. i have been existing on far less than i care to, for about 10 years now. i had a couple of spurts in there where i was actually making some money, but it was all short-lived and in most cases, i gave it all up so that i could train for the ever elusive national and olympic teams. i get it though....it wasn't in the cards, nothing to slit one's wrists over, so i picked up and moved on to face the next series of challenges. the problem with facing said next series is that when starting in the hole by say....several thousand dollars, it is a serious uphill climb.
as it turns out, people like to be paid for goods or services rendered. this becomes decidedly inconvenient when trying to recover from roughly 10 years of accrued debt in less than 12 months. i would like to take just a second to pat myself on the back, because so far i've got more than half the job done, but that still leaves quite a bit on the table. what i'm operating against now is the equivalent of being swallowed by quicksand at an alarming rate and the person coming to my aid is a 96 year old lady with a broken hip, cataracts and one orthopedic shoe that eclipses the other in size. the branch she holds out is about as sturdy as a handful of blades of grass.
so when the car company, electric company, credit card company, IRS, storage company, doctor, dentist, student loan company and all of the other companies levy their monthly bills, it becomes somewhat of a juggling act to keep them all happy. my latest solution has been to eat mac n' cheese and soup most nights of the week and to take advantage of a boyfriend who likes to go out to eat on the night when i see him. it's worked out so far, but when the "pipeline" i've crafted so carefully starts to drain of its contents and all of the 'deals' get pushed back, where does the money come from then?
now in drawing attention to the actual problem, i skip over the series of feelings and irritations that come with this station in time. these are, in no particular order: total frustration, resolve, anger, fear, denial, reality, patience (or the need for), creativity.....just to name a few. i suppose when added in the right proportion, this is just enough combustibility to equate to some sort of fucked up motivation. not that i've ever lacked for that. maybe for a day or two, but i'm too wound up to sit still and not work.
what a bitch though, right? at about 15 or so, i had made a comment in church and i said "it seems like nothing gets necessarily easier. the problems just change and adapt to where you are in your life." at the time, a handful of people came up and told me that i was very wise for my age. i just think it's a little off that a 15 year old would have that much insight into futility at that time in her life. but i refuse to believe it. there must be a respite where the current pulls you for a second so you can enjoy what you've worked for before you dive into the next series.
that's a spicy dish.
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