fucus

My friend Amine used to say fuck-us, instead of focus and the first time he said it that way, I was crying with laughter. I now at least think of the word that way every single time I hear it.

I can't fucking fucus on anything today. My mind is all over the place, darting in and out of caves and files it shouldn't be in. It's running through my head and just ransacking everything in sight, paying particular attention to the lonely, confused and emotionally wrought centers. It's awesome.

Have you ever noticed that as you get older, things tend to just converge and bottleneck all at once? No picking things off one by one, as they come. It's downpour or drought with everything. So there you are, cruising along for days or weeks or months or even years and then all of a sudden, you have broken bones, lose all interest in watching football and your friends start getting paired up and fleeing to states you made it a point, til now, never to step foot in. The vow of I love yous is wearing on and they are skipping days now.....only a matter of time until they skip off completely....only a matter of time.

So while I am trying desperately to get a hold of stock transfers, project flows and other people's tax documents, I am thinking only of the next time I will be able to walk without pain, have a pair of arms that actually are interested in me and in wrapping around me more than once every handful of weeks, and wondering what the hell I will do with myself when loser Friday or Saturday rolls around. How am I going to finish out this season of Dexter?

Great, I've lost my appetite again. Too bad my ass won't go with it. Well in times of feeling negative and irritated and a little lost,

- you know, I have to bust in on myself here and just admit that this damn thing is just too personal. Not all of this shit happens directly to me and some of it is an amalgam of experiences, but for the most part, things like today are pretty right on. Idiotic maybe, but who cares. I have no qualms about being myself, funny rant or confused and irritated. Sometimes it helps to just talk it out and if it doesn't, well I will refer you kindly back to that little red x in the upper right corner.

Anyway, I have apparently now lost focus to the point where I cannot complete a post on my little at-desk lunch break either, so fuck it. I'm pissed, I'm confused and I can't do the one thing that would actually help me process everything, and that is RUN. I can and have run in the figurative sense, but the literal still evades me.

It's like I'm now relegated to the sidelines of my life, to watch my friends and acquaintances healthy, getting super fit, making lives with people who love them and here I sit as an observer. If I didn't have job satisfaction (for which I am extremely grateful), I may be searching for the trigger with my broken big toe.

But, I'm not. I am slogging on and counting the days until I return to the land of my people to try and see if I can't just get my damn head screwed back on the right way. Not bloody likely, but at least I won't be freezing, and frustrated.

Damn, this was so lame and yet I'm still going to hit 'publish'. We are hitting new lows, people. Time to get the hiking boots out and go for a climb out of the pity pit.