My friend Amine used to say fuck-us, instead of focus and the first time he said it that way, I was crying with laughter. I now at least think of the word that way every single time I hear it.
I can't fucking fucus on anything today. My mind is all over the place, darting in and out of caves and files it shouldn't be in. It's running through my head and just ransacking everything in sight, paying particular attention to the lonely, confused and emotionally wrought centers. It's awesome.
Have you ever noticed that as you get older, things tend to just converge and bottleneck all at once? No picking things off one by one, as they come. It's downpour or drought with everything. So there you are, cruising along for days or weeks or months or even years and then all of a sudden, you have broken bones, lose all interest in watching football and your friends start getting paired up and fleeing to states you made it a point, til now, never to step foot in. The vow of I love yous is wearing on and they are skipping days now.....only a matter of time until they skip off completely....only a matter of time.
So while I am trying desperately to get a hold of stock transfers, project flows and other people's tax documents, I am thinking only of the next time I will be able to walk without pain, have a pair of arms that actually are interested in me and in wrapping around me more than once every handful of weeks, and wondering what the hell I will do with myself when loser Friday or Saturday rolls around. How am I going to finish out this season of Dexter?
Great, I've lost my appetite again. Too bad my ass won't go with it. Well in times of feeling negative and irritated and a little lost,
- you know, I have to bust in on myself here and just admit that this damn thing is just too personal. Not all of this shit happens directly to me and some of it is an amalgam of experiences, but for the most part, things like today are pretty right on. Idiotic maybe, but who cares. I have no qualms about being myself, funny rant or confused and irritated. Sometimes it helps to just talk it out and if it doesn't, well I will refer you kindly back to that little red x in the upper right corner.
Anyway, I have apparently now lost focus to the point where I cannot complete a post on my little at-desk lunch break either, so fuck it. I'm pissed, I'm confused and I can't do the one thing that would actually help me process everything, and that is RUN. I can and have run in the figurative sense, but the literal still evades me.
It's like I'm now relegated to the sidelines of my life, to watch my friends and acquaintances healthy, getting super fit, making lives with people who love them and here I sit as an observer. If I didn't have job satisfaction (for which I am extremely grateful), I may be searching for the trigger with my broken big toe.
But, I'm not. I am slogging on and counting the days until I return to the land of my people to try and see if I can't just get my damn head screwed back on the right way. Not bloody likely, but at least I won't be freezing, and frustrated.
Damn, this was so lame and yet I'm still going to hit 'publish'. We are hitting new lows, people. Time to get the hiking boots out and go for a climb out of the pity pit.
18 December, 2008
still
Still no computer.
Still all my thoughts, bottled up like some sort of soda-bomb.
Still wondering why I only get my mail 2 times a week.
Stillpretending this blackberry isnt making me fully carpal.
BUT....only 7 days to vacation, so I suppose I can sit still a little longer.
Sorry these posts suck when I have no computer. I'd say it will get better, but I'm not much for lying.
Still waiting for 2 feet to walk on at the same time.
Still wondering how the boulder-esque dirt clod got in my house.
So much going on.
Still all my thoughts, bottled up like some sort of soda-bomb.
Still wondering why I only get my mail 2 times a week.
Stillpretending this blackberry isnt making me fully carpal.
BUT....only 7 days to vacation, so I suppose I can sit still a little longer.
Sorry these posts suck when I have no computer. I'd say it will get better, but I'm not much for lying.
Still waiting for 2 feet to walk on at the same time.
Still wondering how the boulder-esque dirt clod got in my house.
So much going on.
10 December, 2008
relegated
So I lent my laptop out this week, while taking pity on our compliance attorney's 22 hour flight schedule. Back to the pecking at the blackberry. If they dont have it already, I'm going to just invent a fold-up keyboard that can be plugged into this thing; I played 8 years of piano and was fine, but this damn thing is going to make me fully carpal.
I should so be passed out by now.
Right then,so all I have left in my tired bones is a quote I read that stuck with me:
"Prejudice is the child of ignorance."
True, no matter what the subject.
I should so be passed out by now.
Right then,so all I have left in my tired bones is a quote I read that stuck with me:
"Prejudice is the child of ignorance."
True, no matter what the subject.
03 December, 2008
how to do war
In today's session, we examine how to deal with war and threat of insurgent danger......
[lights raise on a pair of friends having transitioned from a more serious conversation, into one perforated by a bit of levity].
G: .....her sister seems the same way in the few words that she spoke about the military. in general those who are raised in it and stay close to it kinda drink the cool aid; they don't seem to question much.
me: yeah, def.
G: which is actually the opposite of what the military teaches it's officers"theoretically"oh well thank god there are men like [General who is not a Bushie].
me: i know, and it's funny that the infantrymen are usually the most conservative, when it's they who are getting the shaft the most.
G: and women, haha right?! it's easy for a pilot to lock on to the dot and drop his shit and be back in his warm rack a few hours later. "easy"...
me: relatively speaking, yes.
G: easier than slugging it out on the ground.
me: no mano a mano.
G: it's crazy to think about how we used to wage war. makes you reconsider a time when it was not as surgical as today.
me: i know, people cared about the war differently before vietnam / korea sent in this new era, because they were in it - hunkered down together with no amenities, no internet, no phones anywhere.
G: i'd rather be shot 5 times than get my arm hacked off with a sword, etc.
me: seriously
G: but only 5. 6 is pushing it, haha.
me: get impaled by a bayonet or get shot with a lead, round bullet from a distance and then have to reload your gun......bust out a little kit before you can take your next shot.
G: i dunno... things are just more tame - more like a video game these days. it makes things seem less deadly for those on the ground, when they're not at all.
me: yeah, now you can even shoot around a corner now, so you are watching the person you are shooting at on a screen. Not like the "whites of their eyes" anymore.
G: the fact that generals no longer physically watch their men get slaughtered is also good for the war business .
me: never have to make eye contact or smell someones breath going out of them.
G: yeah
me: it's totally a video game. when they get shot AT, it's very real though. i wouldn't want to be staring down a guy holding an rpg.
G: ? D&D?!
me: d&d?
G: too bad Akmed! I'm a level 38457293875 arch mage, and right before you detonated yourself, i cast a suicide bomb shield orb. hahaha
me: hahahahahahaha ,totally. what if you could yell that out on the battlefield?
me: dude, you can't shoot that grenade at me, because by the decree of Eaton, i cast a bullet-repelling force field, so your weapons are useless and will turn back against you! I am now invincible.
G: i am employing the "i don't wanna die" clause - simple but effective.
me: i'm also invoking the "no-maiming" addendum .
G: hahaha
me: dude, we could save so many lives. we should tour the world with this stuff. we can solve soooo many problems with such sound rhetoric.
G: what happens when "believing" in it just isn't enough?
me: hm....we may have to give some thought to that objection, but as we learn in sales, there are no real objections - they can all be overcome.
G: "um, i guess you need to amp up your faith, people."
me: crank it, dude! my faith is at ELEVEN, yo.
G: that's how the jeebus freaks do it
me: It could totally work and soon, people will be fighting with cardboard and duct tape, the way god intended.
[lights raise on a pair of friends having transitioned from a more serious conversation, into one perforated by a bit of levity].
G: .....her sister seems the same way in the few words that she spoke about the military. in general those who are raised in it and stay close to it kinda drink the cool aid; they don't seem to question much.
me: yeah, def.
G: which is actually the opposite of what the military teaches it's officers"theoretically"oh well thank god there are men like [General who is not a Bushie].
me: i know, and it's funny that the infantrymen are usually the most conservative, when it's they who are getting the shaft the most.
G: and women, haha right?! it's easy for a pilot to lock on to the dot and drop his shit and be back in his warm rack a few hours later. "easy"...
me: relatively speaking, yes.
G: easier than slugging it out on the ground.
me: no mano a mano.
G: it's crazy to think about how we used to wage war. makes you reconsider a time when it was not as surgical as today.
me: i know, people cared about the war differently before vietnam / korea sent in this new era, because they were in it - hunkered down together with no amenities, no internet, no phones anywhere.
G: i'd rather be shot 5 times than get my arm hacked off with a sword, etc.
me: seriously
G: but only 5. 6 is pushing it, haha.
me: get impaled by a bayonet or get shot with a lead, round bullet from a distance and then have to reload your gun......bust out a little kit before you can take your next shot.
G: i dunno... things are just more tame - more like a video game these days. it makes things seem less deadly for those on the ground, when they're not at all.
me: yeah, now you can even shoot around a corner now, so you are watching the person you are shooting at on a screen. Not like the "whites of their eyes" anymore.
G: the fact that generals no longer physically watch their men get slaughtered is also good for the war business .
me: never have to make eye contact or smell someones breath going out of them.
G: yeah
me: it's totally a video game. when they get shot AT, it's very real though. i wouldn't want to be staring down a guy holding an rpg.
G: ? D&D?!
me: d&d?
G: too bad Akmed! I'm a level 38457293875 arch mage, and right before you detonated yourself, i cast a suicide bomb shield orb. hahaha
me: hahahahahahaha ,totally. what if you could yell that out on the battlefield?
me: dude, you can't shoot that grenade at me, because by the decree of Eaton, i cast a bullet-repelling force field, so your weapons are useless and will turn back against you! I am now invincible.
G: i am employing the "i don't wanna die" clause - simple but effective.
me: i'm also invoking the "no-maiming" addendum .
G: hahaha
me: dude, we could save so many lives. we should tour the world with this stuff. we can solve soooo many problems with such sound rhetoric.
G: what happens when "believing" in it just isn't enough?
me: hm....we may have to give some thought to that objection, but as we learn in sales, there are no real objections - they can all be overcome.
G: "um, i guess you need to amp up your faith, people."
me: crank it, dude! my faith is at ELEVEN, yo.
G: that's how the jeebus freaks do it
me: It could totally work and soon, people will be fighting with cardboard and duct tape, the way god intended.
01 December, 2008
diet starts with die
So I've been on this "diet" for the last 2 weeks, and it is scheduled to continue into perpetuity. It's not a humongous, life-altering change in my eating habits, which are actually good. It's more an elimination of a few items, to be enjoyed only as a last resort or rare addition, none of which I will miss very much. It's designed to help my stupid foot and shoulder improve and stop hurting me to the point of inactivity.
My metabolism is at ZERO right now. Zero as in, it can't possibly get any slower.
I haven't lost any weight on this "diet", in fact, things have sort of gone the other way, but I'm not pulling the plug on it, because I'm trying steady state today, to see how my little paw feels after I've been on the spin bike for 45 minutes or so.
My point in mentioning this however, is to note that both yesterday and on Thanksgiving day, I strayed from my new regimen and ate: items containing gluten; dairy, pre-packaged / processed items; alcohol. I woke up this morning to an achy shoulder and foot.
Coincidence? I think not.
Nothing better than feeling abnormally large AND horrifyingly sedentary before falling asleep. Lucky for me, falling asleep to a food coma means.....yup you guessed it.....waking up at 3am to feel it some more. Awesome.
So I guess now would be just as good a time as any, to mention how much I hate it that people poop on the sidewalk.
My metabolism is at ZERO right now. Zero as in, it can't possibly get any slower.
I haven't lost any weight on this "diet", in fact, things have sort of gone the other way, but I'm not pulling the plug on it, because I'm trying steady state today, to see how my little paw feels after I've been on the spin bike for 45 minutes or so.
My point in mentioning this however, is to note that both yesterday and on Thanksgiving day, I strayed from my new regimen and ate: items containing gluten; dairy, pre-packaged / processed items; alcohol. I woke up this morning to an achy shoulder and foot.
Coincidence? I think not.
Nothing better than feeling abnormally large AND horrifyingly sedentary before falling asleep. Lucky for me, falling asleep to a food coma means.....yup you guessed it.....waking up at 3am to feel it some more. Awesome.
So I guess now would be just as good a time as any, to mention how much I hate it that people poop on the sidewalk.
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