the binge

Let's talk about one of the greatest mysteries of all time: why people drink to get shitfaced.

Are you serious? I saw this article and laughed out loud. Is this news? Is it really such a mystery why people binge drink? I'm guessing that some smart ass talked someone into releasing a fairly significant amount of funds to conduct "research" on the subject, most of which was done in a variety of dive bars and high end martini lounges. The researcher would, of course, have to ingratiate himself to his subjects by imbibing right along with them, thus adding a more personal and empathetic touch to the story.

One fantastic and astute note was how men seem to drink more and hold their liquor better than women. Hmmmmm.....that's a mystery!

Give me a fucking break. I'll save everyone a lot of time and money here. People drink for a variety of reasons, but mostly they do it because it's social, enjoyable, and getting out of your tree every now and then is fun. Occasionally this sort of activity leads one down a couple of perilous roads such as......

1. A total rejection of everything contained within one's stomach and bowels. This sudden evacuation usually happens in the most embarrassing and inconvenient of places and leaves the puker with some pungent souvenirs dotting various parts of his or her clothing. Occasionally, this is all caught on film and is then saved for posterity and blackmail purposes.

2. One of several "blackout" scenarios; our drunk opens his or her eyes the next morning to a pounding headache, new surroundings and unfamiliar sleeping partner. The opening of the eyes is then followed by a leap from the bed and frantic search for missing items of clothing. At some point, there is a desperate effort to recall the events of the night and more often than not, our subject comes up empty handed, but full of a fantastic array of regrets. Running for the door quickly ensues.

3. Another of the blackout scenarios has our booze-bag in a horrified frenzy of apology to every person he or she came in contact with the previous night. This could be for any of several reasons such as fighting with good friends, defiling someone's car, making out with someone's girlfriend / boyfriend (or cockblocking....also a grievous offense), or any of a bevy of other friendship infractions. In my experience, those friends and loved ones are quick to forgive the first time or two, but it's best not to go to that well too often.

4. The extremely uncomfortable and stale smelling workday. When engaging in "after work" drinking gone awry, the subject usually picks the night before a major work event or day that cannot, for any reason, be missed. This means that the day is spent making frequent trips to the bathroom to either pull the trigger or defile the company restroom, whilst wishing for a mallet to the temple. This awful series is also accompanied by an unmaskable perfume resembling a brewery or distillery, thus announcing to everyone around, what our subject is trying desperately to avoid.

I could go on and on and I'm sure that all 2 people who will enjoy this post, would be able to add an arsenal of additional consequences for over-consumption of alcoholic beverages, but the point here is, life experience and acute observational powers will deliver a powerful thesis that need only be accompanied by remedial written and descriptive abilities to be conveyed, even in the Times.

Bottom line.....people drink. They drink to have fun, they drink to escape, they drink to get drunk and to explore the parts of themselves that they are too chicken to check out in real time. Done. Can I get paid for my dutiful notation of this puzzle now?