Ten percent luck, Twenty percent skill,
Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
Five percent pleasure
Fifty percent pain
And a 100 percent reason to remember the name
I have had that song stuck in my head for about two weeks now and after being at a regatta all weekend and having put myself back in the game by both getting a job and hurling myself back into the dating pool, I think my moxie is ratcheting up again.
It has also been in my head because it's Olympic season. We are just a couple of weeks away from watching a kid I knew since she was a tween win a medal, and following her progress has ensured that I will bawl my eyes out when I hear the national anthem play for her. Yeah, I'm totally living vicariously on this one, but for every one of her, there are twenty of me, who succumbed to injury and had our dreams stolen.
I have new dreams, though, and they are great. My story of not making the Olympics sucks, but is definitely not unique and I'm not the type to sit back and bemoan the past. When it comes down to it, you are where you are and you either move forward, or shrivel up and blow away. We can all still do great things and if we aren't pushing for more - ever hungry to be the best version of ourselves - then what's the point?
Make a difference in your own life, man. If you can't do that, all you can do is leech off of those who can. And I am a giver, but I don't like leeches.
18 July, 2012
13 July, 2012
burbs
So there I was, lost in Westlake Village, after having been on the Kevin and Bean show on KROQ. I had wiped out on the moped I bought to get around, after a car clipped me and sent me flying and since there was no public transportation, there I stood, stuck in washed-out nowhere, needing to get over 50 miles away from where I was, with a bunch of idiots staring at me like I was from outer space, since I asked about a bus.
What a nightmare. Literally. I woke up, looked around my room with an amazing view, realized I was still tucked safely in civilization and went back to sleep. After that it was a crazy sex dream, but I'll keep that for me. I think the fact that I was lost in a wasteland of suburbia with a bunch of drones looking on, wondering how the hell I was going to get out of there and faced with the prospect of walking 50 miles, illustrates how I feel about the suburbs. Even if you have a commuter rail, it's still the middle of fucking nowhere. That blase world of stucco, SUV's, strip malls and same-same shops which are somehow "unique" just makes me want to vomit.
I guess I'm a for real city girl, because when someone proposed that I move out of Manhattan a few years ago, to enjoy a lovely, trashy, little hamlet called Wantagh, I threw up in my mouth and then laughed hysterically, because why in the fuck would I ever want to do that?! To sit on a train for an average of 2.5 hours a day and stare at people, instead of being out doing the things I'd be thinking about doing on the train, but would get home to late to actually get to? Sounds idyllic; I can see the draw.
So yeah, I'm good where I am, in a city, no car, taking the bus to work at a place at which I can be proud of working, walking everywhere else and doing stuff. It was just a nightmare - or the first part, anyway.
I still want to know what the hell I was doing with a moped.
What a nightmare. Literally. I woke up, looked around my room with an amazing view, realized I was still tucked safely in civilization and went back to sleep. After that it was a crazy sex dream, but I'll keep that for me. I think the fact that I was lost in a wasteland of suburbia with a bunch of drones looking on, wondering how the hell I was going to get out of there and faced with the prospect of walking 50 miles, illustrates how I feel about the suburbs. Even if you have a commuter rail, it's still the middle of fucking nowhere. That blase world of stucco, SUV's, strip malls and same-same shops which are somehow "unique" just makes me want to vomit.
I guess I'm a for real city girl, because when someone proposed that I move out of Manhattan a few years ago, to enjoy a lovely, trashy, little hamlet called Wantagh, I threw up in my mouth and then laughed hysterically, because why in the fuck would I ever want to do that?! To sit on a train for an average of 2.5 hours a day and stare at people, instead of being out doing the things I'd be thinking about doing on the train, but would get home to late to actually get to? Sounds idyllic; I can see the draw.
So yeah, I'm good where I am, in a city, no car, taking the bus to work at a place at which I can be proud of working, walking everywhere else and doing stuff. It was just a nightmare - or the first part, anyway.
I still want to know what the hell I was doing with a moped.
11 July, 2012
09 July, 2012
rules
"Yeah, I know what you mean....people just give themselves away and I'm like x, y, z, which is totally not like that. I have rules I use to govern myself with, you know?"
Actually, I'm beginning to wonder about that. The above phrase has come up in a dozen or so conversations lately, on a variety of subjects and my innate skepticism has kicked in. It always makes me think, that type of statement. The way one projects oneself is often very different from the way one actually is. So is it delusion, hopefulness, or just lies?
One gets in far more trouble with people over lies than over honesty, generally, but I like to think that most people don't go out of their way to just make shit up, or misrepresent, most of the time. It's just such a curious thing to be listening to someone talk and then watch what they do and realize that there is a relativity to when people say "I don't do that", or "I'm not like that". Really? Are you suuuure? It's not really supposed to be a sliding scale, you know.
Job: People would never lie to get a job, never do shady things at work, never take a job they intend to quit, never walk out without professional courtesy.
Fact: People - including a large portion of those who say they would 'never', do that shit all the time.
Friendship: I would never lie to a friend, abandon a friend, jump to conclusions, flip out, or go behind a friend's back.
Fact: See Fact above.
Romance: I would never sleep with someone without a real connection, disappear on someone, lie to someone to manipulate them, or multi-task sexually and risk hurting someone's feelings.
Fact: Again, see Fact above.
Mind you, I'm not venting or complaining here, but as I'm an active participant in this great social experiment we have going, I observe and report my findings, as I see them. So I was sitting here watching a lightning storm, unable to sleep, due to an incredibly shoddy air conditioning system in my building (I'm not the only victim of this) and I started to ponder representation. Do we have expectations of one another that are too high, or have we accepted too low a standard, in these times?
And now that asshole car with the alarm that goes off every night is at it again. Violent claps of thunder are so much more soothing.
Actually, I'm beginning to wonder about that. The above phrase has come up in a dozen or so conversations lately, on a variety of subjects and my innate skepticism has kicked in. It always makes me think, that type of statement. The way one projects oneself is often very different from the way one actually is. So is it delusion, hopefulness, or just lies?
One gets in far more trouble with people over lies than over honesty, generally, but I like to think that most people don't go out of their way to just make shit up, or misrepresent, most of the time. It's just such a curious thing to be listening to someone talk and then watch what they do and realize that there is a relativity to when people say "I don't do that", or "I'm not like that". Really? Are you suuuure? It's not really supposed to be a sliding scale, you know.
Job: People would never lie to get a job, never do shady things at work, never take a job they intend to quit, never walk out without professional courtesy.
Fact: People - including a large portion of those who say they would 'never', do that shit all the time.
Friendship: I would never lie to a friend, abandon a friend, jump to conclusions, flip out, or go behind a friend's back.
Fact: See Fact above.
Romance: I would never sleep with someone without a real connection, disappear on someone, lie to someone to manipulate them, or multi-task sexually and risk hurting someone's feelings.
Fact: Again, see Fact above.
Mind you, I'm not venting or complaining here, but as I'm an active participant in this great social experiment we have going, I observe and report my findings, as I see them. So I was sitting here watching a lightning storm, unable to sleep, due to an incredibly shoddy air conditioning system in my building (I'm not the only victim of this) and I started to ponder representation. Do we have expectations of one another that are too high, or have we accepted too low a standard, in these times?
And now that asshole car with the alarm that goes off every night is at it again. Violent claps of thunder are so much more soothing.
07 July, 2012
hawt
It's hot. I mean it's what the fuuuuck hot. Had dinner and drinks last night and we were both schvitzing so badly on a rooftop deck that we skipped the little touches that give one a clue to how the date is going, entirely (this turned out to be a good thing, actually). My arms had a sheen to them that was borderline embarrassing.
No bother, however, because I wasn't prepared to argue the definition of a nerd or be told I don't fit into his definition because of my lack of interest in video games, mythical creatures such as dragons and elves, and comic books. I'm very, very happy not to fit in, based on those criteria. Dating sucks the cack, man. Thank god for living close and early nights.
But I did learn something.....I have come to realize I can't multitask in the dating arena. Once I find someone I like, I stick with it and since I kind of hate dating, going out with a series of 'maybe's' just has no appeal to me. You can be a good looking nerd and be 6'5, but height is not enough reason to steer away from chemistry. Enough o that, though. I soldier on, happily single until someone makes me smile for no reason at all.
So Check this shit out.....
I'm up early today though and ready to move from one storage unit to another, in order to save about $50 a month, because, well, it's still like that. It has to happen today. See that little 105 on the right? Yeah, that's trying to bust through my windows, right now. I guess the good news is, we're not suffering alone.
No bother, however, because I wasn't prepared to argue the definition of a nerd or be told I don't fit into his definition because of my lack of interest in video games, mythical creatures such as dragons and elves, and comic books. I'm very, very happy not to fit in, based on those criteria. Dating sucks the cack, man. Thank god for living close and early nights.
But I did learn something.....I have come to realize I can't multitask in the dating arena. Once I find someone I like, I stick with it and since I kind of hate dating, going out with a series of 'maybe's' just has no appeal to me. You can be a good looking nerd and be 6'5, but height is not enough reason to steer away from chemistry. Enough o that, though. I soldier on, happily single until someone makes me smile for no reason at all.
So Check this shit out.....
I'm up early today though and ready to move from one storage unit to another, in order to save about $50 a month, because, well, it's still like that. It has to happen today. See that little 105 on the right? Yeah, that's trying to bust through my windows, right now. I guess the good news is, we're not suffering alone.
03 July, 2012
arrrrrr
Frustration. The greatest motivator and yet the greatest, well, frustrator.
Am I a poacher if I take advantage of a situation that seems to be dropped in my lap with work, which could lead directly into my chosen career path and doesn't involve me hurting anyone?
Am I a rebound if I take advantage of the affections of someone who may or may not be ready to move forward from his last relationship? Still feeling that one out, of course, but my interest is high and so is my guard.
Am I stupid for having thrown myself into a precarious financial situation, relying on my resourcefulness to make up for the fact that unforeseen circumstances have the potential to derail this fragile balance I have at the moment?
Weirdest day ever and all I know at the moment, is that insomnia is a powerful thing and the wheels of my brain are turning faster than the lids of my eyes are heavy.
Am I a poacher if I take advantage of a situation that seems to be dropped in my lap with work, which could lead directly into my chosen career path and doesn't involve me hurting anyone?
Am I a rebound if I take advantage of the affections of someone who may or may not be ready to move forward from his last relationship? Still feeling that one out, of course, but my interest is high and so is my guard.
Am I stupid for having thrown myself into a precarious financial situation, relying on my resourcefulness to make up for the fact that unforeseen circumstances have the potential to derail this fragile balance I have at the moment?
Weirdest day ever and all I know at the moment, is that insomnia is a powerful thing and the wheels of my brain are turning faster than the lids of my eyes are heavy.
02 July, 2012
...and sense
I made a budget over the weekend. I'm pretty good at making a dollar out of fifteen cents, generally speaking, but this budget hurts. I mean cut me deep, live out of the change that's in the schooner glass I stole from Mutt's, circa 1996, hurt.
Temping doesn't afford a lavish lifestyle, unfortunately. That and the fact that I'm down to my last $200 in savings, means that things are a liiiittle dicey on the financial front. But by not getting / taking a different and more high-paying assignment, I was put into an insanely difficult financial situation (funny story, more on that later.....), but I ended up finding something I am passionately interested in. Details about the company itself will be forthcoming once I am hired on permanently (and I'm confident I will be). Suffice it to say though, the belt is pretty tight. The fact that I will have a whopping $26 left over after rent and bills each month and that my social life will basically have to consist of the free and the freeloading for a while, AND the fact that I cannot afford a gym membership, regular pedicures, dining out, boozing heavily or skydiving....well I kind of don't care, because I'm genuinely happy. Top that off with some chocolate candy and I don't have any complaints right now.
I think I've always known this, but it really is all about perspective. It's not about having what you want, but wanting what you have - seeing the beauty in every struggle and always pushing forward without letting the anger or frustration that you're bound to feel, overtake you. Most importantly, trust your instincts. In my first year of coaching, someone I greatly respected told me that I had some of the sharpest instincts he'd seen and that that can't only have applied to coaching. He said I should trust myself a little more and put some effort into honing that intuitiveness. I listened, I did.
That doesn't mean I advocate for blindly following whims like feathers in the wind, but rather acknowledging that feeling in your gut and then doing the due diligence to see what it actually means and where it will lead you. As previously stated, sometimes it will lead you off a cliff, but you'll have thought about that jump and decided that the risk is worth the unknown potential reward. Seems I have sprouted a set of fledgling wings on the way down, because I was literally about a week away from hitting the ground before I started to glide and turn upward again.
Long story long, I could always get hurt, it could all fall apart, and I could end up homeless (wouldn't be the first time), but I'm not focused on the negative what-if's at this point, because now that I'm here and I have a foothold - even if it's still a little unstable - I'm in a position to fight for what I want.
If you want something, you have to go out and get it. Set your sights on it and fight for it and figure it out. Life doesn't hand shit out, so the passive man will only get scraps.
Temping doesn't afford a lavish lifestyle, unfortunately. That and the fact that I'm down to my last $200 in savings, means that things are a liiiittle dicey on the financial front. But by not getting / taking a different and more high-paying assignment, I was put into an insanely difficult financial situation (funny story, more on that later.....), but I ended up finding something I am passionately interested in. Details about the company itself will be forthcoming once I am hired on permanently (and I'm confident I will be). Suffice it to say though, the belt is pretty tight. The fact that I will have a whopping $26 left over after rent and bills each month and that my social life will basically have to consist of the free and the freeloading for a while, AND the fact that I cannot afford a gym membership, regular pedicures, dining out, boozing heavily or skydiving....well I kind of don't care, because I'm genuinely happy. Top that off with some chocolate candy and I don't have any complaints right now.
I think I've always known this, but it really is all about perspective. It's not about having what you want, but wanting what you have - seeing the beauty in every struggle and always pushing forward without letting the anger or frustration that you're bound to feel, overtake you. Most importantly, trust your instincts. In my first year of coaching, someone I greatly respected told me that I had some of the sharpest instincts he'd seen and that that can't only have applied to coaching. He said I should trust myself a little more and put some effort into honing that intuitiveness. I listened, I did.
That doesn't mean I advocate for blindly following whims like feathers in the wind, but rather acknowledging that feeling in your gut and then doing the due diligence to see what it actually means and where it will lead you. As previously stated, sometimes it will lead you off a cliff, but you'll have thought about that jump and decided that the risk is worth the unknown potential reward. Seems I have sprouted a set of fledgling wings on the way down, because I was literally about a week away from hitting the ground before I started to glide and turn upward again.
Long story long, I could always get hurt, it could all fall apart, and I could end up homeless (wouldn't be the first time), but I'm not focused on the negative what-if's at this point, because now that I'm here and I have a foothold - even if it's still a little unstable - I'm in a position to fight for what I want.
If you want something, you have to go out and get it. Set your sights on it and fight for it and figure it out. Life doesn't hand shit out, so the passive man will only get scraps.
24 June, 2012
yeux
Stared into an amazing pair for about 15 hours. They were attached to a host of other amazing features and I'm reeling a little bit, from the most awesome 'reverse date' I've had in years. Actually, I don't know that I have had a reverse date before, but generally as dates go, this one went beyond swimmingly. Okay, that's personal enough for this forum.
But.
DC continues to slowly let out little tidbits that affirm my choices lately. Things that are trickling out here and there, challenging me, pushing me, rewarding me, showing me that there are a lot of great things and people out there and that my desire for a slice of the happy pie is totally within my reach. I am currently temping at a company I am incredibly interested in working for. This place fulfills my desire to stay in finance, but it has a soul. Oxymoron? Turns out there are a collection of people in the world with big plans for how to bring the severely impoverished up in the world and still maintain themselves a comfortable living. Penthouse not required. I am happy to go in to work at this place and excited at the prospect of future involvement in something bigger and better than myself.
I am intrigued by the consistent smile and calloused hands of a person I genuinely like.
I am stoked as hell that two separate sets of friends are only weeks or months, respectively, from making it official and beginning their legally bound journey of growing old together, as I know both will.
And last but certainly not least, I'm petrified and elated to be ripping holes into my hands and putting my lats, hamstrings and lungs into a pain cave. Rowing is like nothing else in the world and the pain is only outmatched by the rush and intensity of the pleasure of accomplishment.
The combination of awesomeness leaves me with a shit-eating grin on my face and a fire in my belly. I want more. Lots, lots, more.
But.
DC continues to slowly let out little tidbits that affirm my choices lately. Things that are trickling out here and there, challenging me, pushing me, rewarding me, showing me that there are a lot of great things and people out there and that my desire for a slice of the happy pie is totally within my reach. I am currently temping at a company I am incredibly interested in working for. This place fulfills my desire to stay in finance, but it has a soul. Oxymoron? Turns out there are a collection of people in the world with big plans for how to bring the severely impoverished up in the world and still maintain themselves a comfortable living. Penthouse not required. I am happy to go in to work at this place and excited at the prospect of future involvement in something bigger and better than myself.
I am intrigued by the consistent smile and calloused hands of a person I genuinely like.
I am stoked as hell that two separate sets of friends are only weeks or months, respectively, from making it official and beginning their legally bound journey of growing old together, as I know both will.
And last but certainly not least, I'm petrified and elated to be ripping holes into my hands and putting my lats, hamstrings and lungs into a pain cave. Rowing is like nothing else in the world and the pain is only outmatched by the rush and intensity of the pleasure of accomplishment.
The combination of awesomeness leaves me with a shit-eating grin on my face and a fire in my belly. I want more. Lots, lots, more.
14 June, 2012
math
This is literally about math. I hate math and I suck at it.....presumably because my mathematic foundation was destroyed by my horrible eighth grade algebra teacher and compounded by the fact that I haven't taken math since 1994. I am now literally trying to relearn things I never had a firm grasp on in the first place, in a condensed period of time and with no one there to translate.
If math were a man, he'd have a tiny penis and a bad attitude. But I have to pretend I'm in love with math for the next two weeks and fight it out until I understand math enough to score well on a standardized test and move on with my life.
x times the square root of y, all times the diamond symbol which stands for 1/-y = go fuck yourself.
If math were a man, he'd have a tiny penis and a bad attitude. But I have to pretend I'm in love with math for the next two weeks and fight it out until I understand math enough to score well on a standardized test and move on with my life.
x times the square root of y, all times the diamond symbol which stands for 1/-y = go fuck yourself.
28 May, 2012
well then
I just finished watching about 5 hours of classical music / Olympic highlights. Seriously. We sat here for 5 hours and just jumped from one to the next, to the next. How anyone could not love both of those things, is beyond me. It's not long until the Olympics begin and once again, I will sit, as I've done for my entire remembered life, and watch athletes compete in what is inarguably the greatest series of sporting contests the world has or will ever know. There will be plenty more of that to come, though, and my emotional investment stands only to intensify, so I'll save the dramatics for when the games arrive. Suffice it to say though, romantic comedies, touching acts of humanity and broken limbs cannot even begin to elicit the tears and emotion that a hard fought contest and medal ceremony can pull from the depths of my soul.
But enough o that. I've had quite a two weeks. My apartment building caught on fire (which was fantastic for the fireman eye-candy), I made a well-received joke in french, about which I am still gloating, I have caught up on several years of missed vitamin D, and I had an insanely annoying and unfortunate series of texts and emails from an ex. Actually, in the scheme of things, THE ex. The ultimate asshole. The one who gave me the gift of giving up on love. Don't go feeling bad right about now, it was truly a gift to see that loyalty can only take you so far in any situation and that it's best to cut and run, rather than stay with someone who has no capacity to care for anyone but themselves, despite any declarations to the contrary. His insane selfishness, destructive nature, completely misplaced and unearned arrogance, horrible bedroom skills and general disdain for anyone he thought he could beat up taught me the most valuable series of lessons I've learned in quite some time.
I was actually being kind, just there, believe it or not. Farilz. I'd honestly rather have had my entrails pulled out - with me fully conscious - and then been strangled with them, than talk to or hear from him, but it's amazing what delusion will do to a man who thinks a woman is a doormat and a sucker, so it was actually a pleasure for me to stick up for myself and actually say "I hate you", when contacted unnecessarily and under fabricated circumstances. I'm not prone to this kind of anger, resentment or verbal assault, but this is the proof: the fuse is very, very long, but man are you fucked if you get to the end of it.
And since despite my efforts to keep my new location from him and despite his blatant lies that anyone I know would deign to contact him and blow the cover of my disappearance from a city that I loved and that I actually LIVED in for the better part of a decade, it turns out I kind of love DC. This place is open, fresh, has a sky to daydream into and water to play on and friends I've so missed seeing on the regular. Oh, and boys. Good god are there lots of incredibly smart boys who come in my size, shape, color and with my kind of big stuff (brains, etc...), here. This is gonna be fun.
That aside, all of the ballyhoo has shown me that I've absolutely made the right decisions since last year. I cut the anchor, uprooted myself, flushed out the bullshit that was clogging my system and have evolved, yet again. Yeah, me, me, me. But you know what? It's my fucking blog and it's about time.
That being said, one of the things that has impressed me about DC is the opportunity to donate time to good causes and help take care of others who may not be able to do many things that I can help with, by themselves. This place - despite the overwhelming number of lawyers and their ilk - has a very charitable and community-minded soul. I'm in the right place, for the time being.
So here it is. Welcome to me, DC. And thank you for welcoming me to you....I think we're gonna get along pretty well, despite the rules.
And yes, it really is 4:19 and there are birds chirping. I promised I'd stop with these shenanigans, but it seems old habits die hard. Don't they, bob?
But enough o that. I've had quite a two weeks. My apartment building caught on fire (which was fantastic for the fireman eye-candy), I made a well-received joke in french, about which I am still gloating, I have caught up on several years of missed vitamin D, and I had an insanely annoying and unfortunate series of texts and emails from an ex. Actually, in the scheme of things, THE ex. The ultimate asshole. The one who gave me the gift of giving up on love. Don't go feeling bad right about now, it was truly a gift to see that loyalty can only take you so far in any situation and that it's best to cut and run, rather than stay with someone who has no capacity to care for anyone but themselves, despite any declarations to the contrary. His insane selfishness, destructive nature, completely misplaced and unearned arrogance, horrible bedroom skills and general disdain for anyone he thought he could beat up taught me the most valuable series of lessons I've learned in quite some time.
I was actually being kind, just there, believe it or not. Farilz. I'd honestly rather have had my entrails pulled out - with me fully conscious - and then been strangled with them, than talk to or hear from him, but it's amazing what delusion will do to a man who thinks a woman is a doormat and a sucker, so it was actually a pleasure for me to stick up for myself and actually say "I hate you", when contacted unnecessarily and under fabricated circumstances. I'm not prone to this kind of anger, resentment or verbal assault, but this is the proof: the fuse is very, very long, but man are you fucked if you get to the end of it.
And since despite my efforts to keep my new location from him and despite his blatant lies that anyone I know would deign to contact him and blow the cover of my disappearance from a city that I loved and that I actually LIVED in for the better part of a decade, it turns out I kind of love DC. This place is open, fresh, has a sky to daydream into and water to play on and friends I've so missed seeing on the regular. Oh, and boys. Good god are there lots of incredibly smart boys who come in my size, shape, color and with my kind of big stuff (brains, etc...), here. This is gonna be fun.
That aside, all of the ballyhoo has shown me that I've absolutely made the right decisions since last year. I cut the anchor, uprooted myself, flushed out the bullshit that was clogging my system and have evolved, yet again. Yeah, me, me, me. But you know what? It's my fucking blog and it's about time.
That being said, one of the things that has impressed me about DC is the opportunity to donate time to good causes and help take care of others who may not be able to do many things that I can help with, by themselves. This place - despite the overwhelming number of lawyers and their ilk - has a very charitable and community-minded soul. I'm in the right place, for the time being.
So here it is. Welcome to me, DC. And thank you for welcoming me to you....I think we're gonna get along pretty well, despite the rules.
And yes, it really is 4:19 and there are birds chirping. I promised I'd stop with these shenanigans, but it seems old habits die hard. Don't they, bob?
09 May, 2012
lamolina
I've been absent, but there are many reasons for that, including getting acquainted with a new town and having a startlingly full social calendar.
I do have time to comment ever so quickly however, on North Carolina. What a bunch of idiocy. These people who think that they should legislate backward, constricted-era laws are basically proving how far fear goes. Who gives a shit if someone wants to date or marry someone of their own sex? Why is this even an issue?
The lack of tolerance - from sexual proclivity to what people wear, eat, or drink is just a bunch of bullshit. Though for the record, though I am not a fan of the preppy look, I'd take that over a herd of fat, angry, t-shirt wearing, muscle heads any day of the week. No one cares if you can kick someone's ass in the legal or physical sense. You look and sound like a fucking moron with your posturing.
North Carolina, you never missed me before and you certainly won't now, but you can suck it. And what's more, you can suck it on someone of the same sex.
And that's all she wrote, before face planting into bed.
I do have time to comment ever so quickly however, on North Carolina. What a bunch of idiocy. These people who think that they should legislate backward, constricted-era laws are basically proving how far fear goes. Who gives a shit if someone wants to date or marry someone of their own sex? Why is this even an issue?
The lack of tolerance - from sexual proclivity to what people wear, eat, or drink is just a bunch of bullshit. Though for the record, though I am not a fan of the preppy look, I'd take that over a herd of fat, angry, t-shirt wearing, muscle heads any day of the week. No one cares if you can kick someone's ass in the legal or physical sense. You look and sound like a fucking moron with your posturing.
North Carolina, you never missed me before and you certainly won't now, but you can suck it. And what's more, you can suck it on someone of the same sex.
And that's all she wrote, before face planting into bed.
30 April, 2012
good. bye. enn. why.
I'm too tired and worn out to be poetic at the moment. I guess it's fitting for a place that is so curt and cold, that I simply say 'see ya, New York'.
Good gravy has it been a nearly (and sometimes was) illegal amount of fun, an Everest of challenges, and a quick and dirty road to a solid future path. I'm lying on a blow up mattress in what used to be my living room, waiting for the next four hours to pass, so I can get boarded and hit the road.
New York, I will pine for you later. Today you taxed the shit out of me, in more ways than one, yet you rewarded me with time with a friend, a thoroughly satisfying dinner, and a beautiful night. You always know how to finish it off, so that things linger in my mind, and that's why I'm in love with you, my home of nearly the last decade. You always seem to know when to come in and show me something new, something I forgot about, or something I always love, to keep me wanting more.
My heart is breaking a little. I love New York.
Good gravy has it been a nearly (and sometimes was) illegal amount of fun, an Everest of challenges, and a quick and dirty road to a solid future path. I'm lying on a blow up mattress in what used to be my living room, waiting for the next four hours to pass, so I can get boarded and hit the road.
New York, I will pine for you later. Today you taxed the shit out of me, in more ways than one, yet you rewarded me with time with a friend, a thoroughly satisfying dinner, and a beautiful night. You always know how to finish it off, so that things linger in my mind, and that's why I'm in love with you, my home of nearly the last decade. You always seem to know when to come in and show me something new, something I forgot about, or something I always love, to keep me wanting more.
My heart is breaking a little. I love New York.
20 April, 2012
hitler
He seems to be the go to comparison, if you really want to give a highly offensive and completely illogical fuck you to someone.
I have a guarded relationship with the internet. Fact is ever harder to find among fiction and the speed at which lies and hyperbole can infect the minds of people - along with the unbelievably large number of non-research driven and seemingly obtuse ears available - is staggering.
Here's how these two things tie together. Negative rhetoric is only constructive when it is based in fact or reasonable possibility. Comparing someone to Hitler immediately shoots you out of the realm of legitimacy, unless the person being compared is literally a syphilitic, speed-addicted, ethnic cleansing, mass murderer. I think we can all agree that in the United States of America today, there are no candidates running for president, who have records or proclivities toward anything even remotely resembling that. In short, that comparison is the embodiment of the lunatic fringe. You now cannot be taken seriously, because you're stupid.
It's exhausting to even know that bullshit like this exists. I am spending time writing about the fact that we have so much access to each other and what everyone wants to spout off about, that we take these off the cuff sound bytes as fact, first. So few of us do the legwork to find the details or fact check, that the crazy goes viral and people start thinking that it's okay to say incendiary things, introduce ridiculous and false information and steer away from the logical, constructive discussion that must be had in order to proceed.
This is only a rant. I wish I had some viable idea as to how to fight with crazy, but you know what they say about that.
I have a guarded relationship with the internet. Fact is ever harder to find among fiction and the speed at which lies and hyperbole can infect the minds of people - along with the unbelievably large number of non-research driven and seemingly obtuse ears available - is staggering.
Here's how these two things tie together. Negative rhetoric is only constructive when it is based in fact or reasonable possibility. Comparing someone to Hitler immediately shoots you out of the realm of legitimacy, unless the person being compared is literally a syphilitic, speed-addicted, ethnic cleansing, mass murderer. I think we can all agree that in the United States of America today, there are no candidates running for president, who have records or proclivities toward anything even remotely resembling that. In short, that comparison is the embodiment of the lunatic fringe. You now cannot be taken seriously, because you're stupid.
It's exhausting to even know that bullshit like this exists. I am spending time writing about the fact that we have so much access to each other and what everyone wants to spout off about, that we take these off the cuff sound bytes as fact, first. So few of us do the legwork to find the details or fact check, that the crazy goes viral and people start thinking that it's okay to say incendiary things, introduce ridiculous and false information and steer away from the logical, constructive discussion that must be had in order to proceed.
This is only a rant. I wish I had some viable idea as to how to fight with crazy, but you know what they say about that.
16 April, 2012
zone
I am in the middle of where the magic happens presently. And it is uncomfortable. But awesome. Plus I liked this picture and I'm mailing it in today, so this is a win on all fronts.
13 April, 2012
stoned.
I needed to jump off. I needed to go big and take that gut crushing risk again. I am a person who can and does chuck it all for the big change, for the prospect of bettering myself as a person. I believe in big, calculated risks – how the fuck else do you get anywhere? People don’t just hand shit out. If you want it, you have to fight for it. You have to figure it all out yourself and be your own guide. You have to look outside of yourself and figure out who you should respect, whose opinion you should take…..you learn that if you just do your research, you can grow by leaps and bounds. Your questions are more precise. Your understanding is quicker. You have a broader base from which to grow. It’s phenomenal and exciting. And it leads you to jump, which is scary and exciting and stressful and blissful all at once. The best part about me is, I don't need someone else to push me to it. This comes from within and yeah, it scares me a little too, sometimes. But I like it.
I don’t do this shit lightheartedly. I think and I listen and I watch and then I pace the whole thing out ten steps in ten different ways. But there is always the first gap - the big one. The one that requires the leap, like jumping between two high rises. Once you cover that, though, your ability to cover the subsequent gaps improves and if you have done your due diligence, you land pretty much right where you should. Then the variables are so much easier to hurdle.
As in any jump, the most important part is the belief in the leap. If you second guess that, you’re fucked and you’ve just assured your failure; your forty story failure. No. You have to run like you're escaping death and leap with your whole self - body and soul, fully extended. That’s the only way to hit the other side running.
So this is me, leaping. I don’t have anything right now but a plan and a limited time to execute it. But you can bet your bottom fucking dollar that this is getting done and done well.
08 April, 2012
well, shiat
I think I can safely say about myself, that when I go, I go big. I have found the ability to be aggressive with life and chill with people and I think I'm just going to embrace it. But why the hell does it have to be so damn hard to find a halfway decent apartment? I have between 21 and 27 days left, depending on the housing market, but I realized on the trip back that I am no longer in a rush to get to the next step, because it's now an inevitability. That is such a calming feeling.
I had some very perspecitve-orienting experiences over this extended weekend I took. The most worthy of mention involved standing in front of an inscription on a wall. I stood there reading it and was genuinely transported outside of all of my list items and sources of stress and mired thoughts. I totally did the lone tear thing, but not on purpose.
But in that moment, I had that wonderful feeling of being put in my place as far as struggles and goals went. It was as if the universe was calling me out and telling me to go harder. The only way to describe the feeling is that it's like trying to run up a hill, while pulling a wagon full of stones. And then a couple of the stones fall out and your speed and technique start to increase. Soon, I'll be running.
Finding the ability to translate those moments again is a good sign. Who gives a shit if someone thinks it's hokey, or hippie crap, or whatever. The inner silence in those moments is a private victory and I think it's fucking awesome. I'd suggest it to anyone.
I had some very perspecitve-orienting experiences over this extended weekend I took. The most worthy of mention involved standing in front of an inscription on a wall. I stood there reading it and was genuinely transported outside of all of my list items and sources of stress and mired thoughts. I totally did the lone tear thing, but not on purpose.
But in that moment, I had that wonderful feeling of being put in my place as far as struggles and goals went. It was as if the universe was calling me out and telling me to go harder. The only way to describe the feeling is that it's like trying to run up a hill, while pulling a wagon full of stones. And then a couple of the stones fall out and your speed and technique start to increase. Soon, I'll be running.
Finding the ability to translate those moments again is a good sign. Who gives a shit if someone thinks it's hokey, or hippie crap, or whatever. The inner silence in those moments is a private victory and I think it's fucking awesome. I'd suggest it to anyone.
02 April, 2012
ahhhhh
The pain. I am presently unable to sit in any one position for more than about 30 seconds, because of the pain level in my lower back and hips. Feels like the year 2001 all over again, but at least I'm doing something. Gotta put those last few insurance dollars to work before I'm back with the broke and impoverished again, 'cause it's 27 days days and 15 work days left. I have an appointment with boss to give my notice tomorrow afternoon and quite frankly despite the fact that I cannot move at all, I want the time to fly by so I can hand Boss the letter and start my goodbyes. If boss gets all fired up I'll be pretty scared though, because in my current condition, I think boss could take me.
So now onto something else.....change and my cynical commentary on it. I am - obviously - down with change. I'd even go so far as to say I'm good at it. I believe in change and in people's capacity to change......mostly. What I have found though, is that for many, even most people, changing location or job may be challenging, or it may be easy for some, but change of self is hard and many have a difficult time sticking with changes long term. I mean, truth be told, once you're an obnoxious, entitled, hot-head, it's hard to turn that off. You can claim enlightenment over and over and describe yourself as "a work in progress" (code for: I'm a total dick and I just want you to stick around longer). You can talk evolution all you want in the peaceful moments, but when it really comes down to it, if you are a hot-head asshole who overreacts to things and is selfish with your support of those in your life, it's probable that no one believes you; that the people you hurt and alienated have already called it a day.
Wonder why it's not all going well? Probably because it was all talk. Time for action.....but on your own time, away from me, please. I'm in the middle of some changes.
And this disjointedness is what happens when my back hurts and I'm hopped up. I'll write about the frogs and the kittens in balloons (how do their claws not pop them?) later.
So now onto something else.....change and my cynical commentary on it. I am - obviously - down with change. I'd even go so far as to say I'm good at it. I believe in change and in people's capacity to change......mostly. What I have found though, is that for many, even most people, changing location or job may be challenging, or it may be easy for some, but change of self is hard and many have a difficult time sticking with changes long term. I mean, truth be told, once you're an obnoxious, entitled, hot-head, it's hard to turn that off. You can claim enlightenment over and over and describe yourself as "a work in progress" (code for: I'm a total dick and I just want you to stick around longer). You can talk evolution all you want in the peaceful moments, but when it really comes down to it, if you are a hot-head asshole who overreacts to things and is selfish with your support of those in your life, it's probable that no one believes you; that the people you hurt and alienated have already called it a day.
Wonder why it's not all going well? Probably because it was all talk. Time for action.....but on your own time, away from me, please. I'm in the middle of some changes.
And this disjointedness is what happens when my back hurts and I'm hopped up. I'll write about the frogs and the kittens in balloons (how do their claws not pop them?) later.
30 March, 2012
wounded warrior
This is something great that my friend and her husband (who is a Naval pilot and is on the latest of multiple deployments) are doing to help the Wounded Warrior project. I'm in and I hope that anyone reading this will pass this along to help them in their goal, as there is really no better or more relevant cause at this point in time.
support.woundedwarriorproject.org
877.TEAM.WWP (832.6997) t: 904.296.7350 | f: 904.296.7347
29 March, 2012
lead
It's free flowing now. I officially have less than a month left in the city and I just have stars in my eyes about this place I've called home for the better part of a decade. I saw this today and it made me realize I'll actually even miss the Manhattan Mini Storage ads. They are always funny.
Boss has made it exceedingly easy for me to get a resignation letter together and set a time for myself to go in and say I'm sooooooooooooooooooo outta here - in the nicest and most professional sort of way, of course.
This person, who wears fugly Manolo's to the office everyday (I didn't realize he even had it in him to create ugly shoes, but she's found every pair), flipped out about an un-sharpened pencil. Apparently it was sort of dulled, so the best thing Boss could think to do was run out of the office waving it and proclaiming it dead, and then demand an entire, sharpened box immediately.
So I walked to Boss's drawer, opened the left top drawer, pulled the dozen pencils I had to sharpen last week when such a fit occurred, set them on Boss's desk and walked away. I have a degree.
shuffled
My shuffle was stolen a couple of weekends ago. It was stolen along with some other semi-valuable-but-not-really items, right out of my bag. Irritating.
But it unfortunately seems that this has kicked off a really weird 'missing or lost stuff' phase for me. It's really quite annoying, actually. What I want to know though, is how this stuff ends up piling on. It started with some asshole who stole a bunch of stuff out of a bag I had with me when I took a bus ride. I got out because Boss beckoned (four times in an hour) with a pressing question about a document that was in her own folder. Boss doesn't actually look for anything that's right in front of her face, Boss just flips out until someone calmly demonstrates that it's right in front of Boss's face. So I hop off the bus at a rest stop and don't notice anything amiss.
Turns out however, that the person across the way from me had seen fit to take my shuffle, my toiletries bag (wtf?) a small, green, spiral bound notebook (2xwtf??) and a pen. She did not take my small bag of jewelry, which I found a little odd, nor did she take my expensive GPS watch, which was in the same part of the bag as the shuffle. This girl looked like she'd never been on a run in her life, though, so she couldn't have known that was the most expensive item in the bag.
Anyway, that stuff was stolen and then for a good three or four days, everything was lost. Everything. I somehow managed to lose my debit card and ID, when the wristlet I was wearing (the name wristlet, incidentally, implies that it's strapped to my wrist) mysteriously was just gone from my arm, strap and all. My phone was "lost" about a dozen times in that same time period. I couldn't find the simplest things, whether they were actually missing, or not. I did a dance in the kitchen, I metaphorically burned sage, I looked up into the sky and shouted "why, why, whyeeee", in an effort to break the randomly-lost-stuff curse. This ever happened to you?
I have no idea if the curse was actually broken, but I'm paranoid now, because I am too lazy to go to the DMV to get a new license, despite the fresh opportunity for a better photo, and I carry my passport all over the place. I also bought a new shuffle and replaced my expensive perfume, which are both still in the iffy time frame for being lost, broken, or stolen, simply because they are new items. Actually that applies to my laptop as well....scary times!
It's like some weird cloud of irresponsibility washed over me for a few days there - with no support or effort from yours truly - and now I'm trying to get the residue off of me, because that shit is concerning when you are facing the prospect, or well, the inevitablilty of having no job or form of stable income for the foreseeable future. I metaphorically burned sage again, to get the lost ick off of me.
Perhaps the figurative sage burning will have the unintended but not necessarily unwanted side effect of making that bottle of expensive perfume break in her bag, the shuffle inexplicably not work and the toiletries give her some bizarre, temporarily disfiguring rash. Too bad I won't see them comeuppance.
But it unfortunately seems that this has kicked off a really weird 'missing or lost stuff' phase for me. It's really quite annoying, actually. What I want to know though, is how this stuff ends up piling on. It started with some asshole who stole a bunch of stuff out of a bag I had with me when I took a bus ride. I got out because Boss beckoned (four times in an hour) with a pressing question about a document that was in her own folder. Boss doesn't actually look for anything that's right in front of her face, Boss just flips out until someone calmly demonstrates that it's right in front of Boss's face. So I hop off the bus at a rest stop and don't notice anything amiss.
Turns out however, that the person across the way from me had seen fit to take my shuffle, my toiletries bag (wtf?) a small, green, spiral bound notebook (2xwtf??) and a pen. She did not take my small bag of jewelry, which I found a little odd, nor did she take my expensive GPS watch, which was in the same part of the bag as the shuffle. This girl looked like she'd never been on a run in her life, though, so she couldn't have known that was the most expensive item in the bag.
Anyway, that stuff was stolen and then for a good three or four days, everything was lost. Everything. I somehow managed to lose my debit card and ID, when the wristlet I was wearing (the name wristlet, incidentally, implies that it's strapped to my wrist) mysteriously was just gone from my arm, strap and all. My phone was "lost" about a dozen times in that same time period. I couldn't find the simplest things, whether they were actually missing, or not. I did a dance in the kitchen, I metaphorically burned sage, I looked up into the sky and shouted "why, why, whyeeee", in an effort to break the randomly-lost-stuff curse. This ever happened to you?
I have no idea if the curse was actually broken, but I'm paranoid now, because I am too lazy to go to the DMV to get a new license, despite the fresh opportunity for a better photo, and I carry my passport all over the place. I also bought a new shuffle and replaced my expensive perfume, which are both still in the iffy time frame for being lost, broken, or stolen, simply because they are new items. Actually that applies to my laptop as well....scary times!
It's like some weird cloud of irresponsibility washed over me for a few days there - with no support or effort from yours truly - and now I'm trying to get the residue off of me, because that shit is concerning when you are facing the prospect, or well, the inevitablilty of having no job or form of stable income for the foreseeable future. I metaphorically burned sage again, to get the lost ick off of me.
Perhaps the figurative sage burning will have the unintended but not necessarily unwanted side effect of making that bottle of expensive perfume break in her bag, the shuffle inexplicably not work and the toiletries give her some bizarre, temporarily disfiguring rash. Too bad I won't see them comeuppance.
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