running commentary

tah-cohhs.

2012-02-01T00:35:00.004-05:00

I am unreasonably stoked right now. I'm sitting here listening to this song and noticing just how damn clean this room is. These sheets are nice and with the limited space and the new wall I built, because I'm fucking McGuyver, I'm feeling okay about the space.

This is a good step. Acceptance. And here's what I'm learning right now.....that things take time. That I fight. Okay, too personal. I'm all stoked on this song because of the prospect of being un-stuck and scheming. And there is something about the crispness of this song and artist that I'm just really into.

I had dinner tonight with two of the people in my life who I rarely see together and who I dig and trust the most. I made tacos, we drank a lot of wine, we cracked up, we talked about climate change, we talked about future plans. Future. More. There is always more and there is definitely better. So thanks to Flo for putting the dropping of the dead horse to music; I took it to heart just now.

How many people do you know who are on the verge of so much? It's like half of the world is on a rope bridge and safe passage means the life you want and too big a slip means broken bones and a hike back to the top to pass that bridge again. But if you look down, it's over. Like the analogy of mountain biking. When you think you might fall, go faster. Press harder and shake the breaking shell as you speed up. Only way you'll be okay, dude. Seriously. Fucking speed up, already.

Evolution.

shifty

2012-01-31T01:15:00.004-05:00

People will tell you a lot. I mean a LOT. All you have to do is listen and they will tell you everything one way or the other. They will say what they want you to know, or what will point you in the direction of what they want you to think most of the time, but drop in bits here and there that tell you how they deal with things and what they really think of themselves. Lisssssen to people. Then after the listening, observe. Because after all of the talking, they will DO what they really do and their actions will show you who they really are and how much of what they said was true. It's a proven theory, a million times over. I'm not suggesting entrapment, manipulation or judgement. Just simple listening and observing, as with this approach to human relationships it is easy to determine what your level of involvement with a person should be.

It's pretty easy when someone's words and actions match up, whether good or bad. I'm highly in favor of the simplicity of that, but things tend to get muddled when someone begins talking and acting out of both sides of themselves, in an effort to manipulate a person or situation to his or her benefit. In my studies, I've found that it can be easy to get caught up, without the aforementioned observation plan. Getting caught up in the drama is bad and there is no point. I have also learned that after one has observed capricious behavior, the shiftiness will often increase in defense of bad behavior. If you've already taken note of the inconsistency, it can be quite amusing to sit back and watch the 'I'm-over-here-no-wait-now-I'm-over-heeere-show'. Amusing because of the labrynthine lengths some will go to in order to make it seem as though they are projecting their best self to others. Basically, it's funny - though not necessarily haha funny - because it's so not simple, is fairly obviously off and is a waste of everyones time.

At one point in my life, I would get caught up in the web from time to time, trying to sift through the inconsistencies to figure out what is really going on. That, my friends, is like quicksand. There is no point and the only thing that can come of that is that you feel overwhelmed and confused and have to figure your way out, while the quicksand feels nothing out of the ordinary and just cruises on. The new policy is - and I don't give a shit if it's harsh - when inconsistencies arise, ask. If it seems fishy, there is a lot of over-explanation, or I'm met with anger, I simply move on. I don't have time for inconsistencies or elaborate stories. If something doesn't make sense, especially after explanation, it, or some part of it, is probably not true. 'Nuff said. No big challenge, no fight. Just keepin it moving.

This tends to aggravate the shifty one and often he or she will react with snide anger, or some sort of challenge, or insult, thus making those little tidbits that were divulged in a cleverly disguised moment of joking self-deprecation, float to the top and be seen clearly, making it yet more logical to just walk away from the situation entirely.

We only have time for simple, now.

simplicity.

2012-01-30T01:42:00.000-05:00

I continue to sort of mail it in, but this is a pretty simple and poignant message. It is also how I have approached life for quite sometime now. You'd think this would go over, wouldn't you? I guess the word needs to spread. Passive aggressiveness and teenage games are the way of the past, people.

fuckus

2012-01-26T00:38:00.001-05:00

This picture is just cool. And it happens to be something I am working on. Enjoy.

nfc

2012-01-22T17:23:00.001-05:00

Go niners......put it down.

The West coast is the best coast.

cambio

2012-01-19T00:07:00.000-05:00

Play on words, maybe.

"If you focus on results you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results."

"If you change nothing, nothing changes."

I am trying to make at least one small change everyday. This could be related to anything, but making one small change everyday right now, means that when I add the days up, I should be finally free and clear of this weight that has been dragging me down. I can't blame anything anymore, so change is all that is left.

For example, today the change included limiting what could have been homicidal thoughts about two incredibly teetering, squawking, all-over-the-sidewalk, useless girls to mere thoughts of a simple nudge that would topple them and make them shut up and let me get on with my trek to work. I don't know about you, but I'm proud of me.

Progress. Change.

daydreamin.....

2012-01-18T02:07:00.001-05:00

Yum. I'm a sucker for a tall, atheltic guy. And good legs, because you have to work for those. What a way to while away a little time in the afternoon, while drowning out the incessant shrieks and bellows of a bunch of dbags I couldn't care less about.

reminder

2012-01-17T01:12:00.001-05:00

I had a doctor appointment this morning where I got some great news, for once. Because this appointment was scheduled for 8:15am, I would be missing a little bit of the earliest hour of work. In fact, there was no reason why I wouldn't be in by 9 (I was in by 9), for the remaining 10 hours of my obnoxiously long day.

I sent out a note to this effect to six people. Yes, six people needed to know that I would be somewhere between fifteen and thirty minutes late for work. Six people whose lives would be irretrievably, negatively affected, if I did not tell all six as opposed to the two who actually needed to know. But dutifully, I notified the quorum of six on Friday, that I had a first-thing doctor appointment this morning.

As I woke up this morning and got ready to go, I thought to myself that it would be a nice thing to send out a reminder to the quorum to remind them, yet again, that I'd be in late this morning but just a skosh. I used my blackberry device to craft just such a message, then sat with the doctor receiving good news, for a change, which will prompt me to go purchase new running shoes after work today.

I strolled out of the doctor's office and out onto 57th street, excited that I know my body well enough to know when it's time to go and check things out and see what the next step is in my recovery to normal me. As I cruised up to my building, I noticed my blackberry flashing and that boss had replied to my reminder email. It was 8:50 when I did this.

"You should have sent me a this last night," it said. "I had something for you to do this morning at 8:30."

I'm unflappable.

second

2012-01-11T00:40:00.002-05:00

Boss can do it all, even from Burma. Yes, Burma the country, that is 12 hours ahead of New York. She can't even stop for the sake of vacation.

Today's installment will cover the act of second guessing. Not me second guessing myself, mind you - though that is an unfortunate side effect - but Boss, second guessing every. single. thing. I. do. Literally, everything. Today, an item came through via email, which Boss is frenetically checking from Burma (no joke). Boss could not read the attachment and so forwarded said email and attachment to me, asking me to open and relay the information back via email. I complied. I noted the contents of the fax, which happened to be a redemption request - something I dealt with on a nearly daily basis at my old firm - and sent the details back via email, as requested. That should have been the end.

But who was the request from?

I pointed out that this was in the first email, and reiterated the name of the investor, the fund being redeemed and the amount of the redemption.

But no, who is actually redeeming?

Again, name of the investor, amount AND the name of the person who signed off on the request.

No, you're not understanding me, who is it FROM???

After getting the same correct answer four times from me, Boss was apparently launched into a tizzy and forwarded the email to a colleague, cc'ing me on the forward, asking yet again, as if to learn me a lesson on how incompetent I am. And guess what? The respondent said - verbatim - what I said. So what the fuck? Thanks for the fucking vote of confidence, Boss. Turns out I know what the fuck I'm talking about. And yeah, I know I was right. It wasn't a guess, so you don't need to try and placate me by letting me know that I was, in fact, correct.

The aforementioned motivation I spoke of in yesterday's entry? It's on blast now.

steps

2012-01-10T01:40:00.003-05:00

I am two syllable sore today. I'm sure this will be the first of many days in the near future where I say that, but it feels good because I'm of the mind that a nice, long bout of steady state is just the medicine tomorrow night.

I went to a skinny, old, uncrowded bar in my neighborhood tonight. I actually kind of love this bar for purposes of a small group, a soccer game, or playing cards with someone. It was pretty quiet when we arrived, but at one point a group of about six people came in, which filled the small space a lot more. They were animated, but not annoying and at one point, the bartender came over to say that the gentleman at the end of the bar had bought the place a round. I got up to thank this whiskey-giving soul and realized that he was a young guy - not some older gentleman in a fit of generosity - a young guy in maybe his early thirties. And he wasn't snotty. It's these little, random moments that kill me sometimes, where I realize how far I have to go to catch up to my potential and be in a position to do something of this nature, just because I feel like it and it's Monday. This time however, it was motivating.

We will ignore the fact that this story centers on being in a bar, drinking whiskey beverages on Monday.

Turns out I like who I am and the path I'm cutting. I like the goals I have in mind and I like how I am evolving as a human being. I just need to keep going, is all. It seems there are two ways to approach challenges. Well actually I'm sure there are a million, but I think they trend toward two groups. One can be overwhelmed by the challenge and either fold or slowly chip away under the burden, or get aggressive. It may make you sore and it may feel like a tougher road, but at the end of it, maybe you'll be able to buy an entire bar a round of drinks and be happy about it. Literally or metaphorically.

free gym advice!

2012-01-06T00:08:00.002-05:00

Yay for awake for no good reason! Maybe if I get all stoked about it, I'll start falling asleep at a reasonable hour. But as long as I'm up and a little punchy, I may as well throw out something funny. So here ya go.

This is stolen from the Wall Street Journal, but it is a pretty good summation of how to be successful at the gym. Sadly, this is the time of year when the gym is way crowded, because everyone in the tri-state area just realized how fat and sloth-like they have gotten (ahem...this year I am included in that crowd).

I find the article somewhat stimulating however, because it basically says over the course of 27 items - in a slightly nicer, tongue-in-cheek tone - that all of the gimmick and bullshit is.....gimmick and bullshit. Hm.

Consistency and commitment are the only way to be successful, kind of like with everything. Who'da thunk.

one thing

2012-01-05T16:04:00.002-05:00

I will never understand, is why it is necessary to kill a spider with a sledgehammer.

paddle paddle

2012-01-05T01:54:00.003-05:00

I cant sleep. Shocking.

This is what I wish I were doing right now. Sitting in an outrigger canoe, off the coast of California somewhere - though just about any coast will do - covered in saltwater and baking in the sun. Especially on a glassy, clear, early morning like in the photo.

New York, I fear I will soon be forced to say goodbye. I love you. O how I love you. But while you give me many things (like extra poundage, an empty wallet and a weakened liver), you can't give me time on the water and that, I fear, is your fatal flaw. I guess I could chalk it up to my seven year itch, since I can't seem to stay in one location much longer than that. We're up to 8 now, but I think we both know the time has come. The call of the water is strong and there are only so many loops to be done around the park, and treks next to the water, up the west side highway. I'll probably get all romantical and pine away for many things as I begin to offer up my slow goodbyes, but don't let that get you down. New York, you will always be in my heart, (and lungs and major organs), but the ocean beckons and begs me to dive in.

The ocean is unconfusing and calming.....there is nothing like the water. Nothing. Sorry New York, you and I both knew, but it's out there now.

void

2012-01-04T01:09:00.000-05:00

I feel compelled to write a bit, lately. It's kind of nice to have the urge, but I'm in that place where I can't pin any thought down long enough to actually extract something quantifiable. Ever have that? I will have a thousand idears and then when I try to elaborate on one of them, my brain gets agitated and moves on to the next.

For example, I was going to write something just now about going out drinking with coworkers. Yeah, funny story, but I can't seem to flesh it out at the moment, so that one will have to wait. I made a deal with a friend of mine that for the month of January, I would sit in meditative silence for at least fifteen minutes per day and I'm thinking maybe that will quiet the maelstrom of thoughts and give me a chance to focus a little better.

Perhaps I will try meditating at work tomorrow. Maybe fall into some Office Space-like trance and suddenly not give a shit about anything. Until then however, this post is about, well nothing.

lobstah

2011-12-30T01:34:00.005-05:00

No, not the unbelievable dinner I had with friends last week, but damn was that the tastiest meal I have had in a long time.

I feel like a lobster right now, or rather my version of a lobster, since I have no idea of the thought process of an actual lobster. Hopefully it's simpler than mine. Anyway. One of the ways you know you are getting a good lobster, is when you get them with their shells really hard. That means they are at the peak of their growth and that shell is about to be shed and a new, softer one grown. I imagine it must be uncomfortable for a lobster to be literally bursting at the seams and so eager to shed that shell and start the next chapter. As I feel like a lobster with a hard shell at the moment, it is decidedly uncomfortable for me, because I, too, feel like I'm bursting at the seams in more ways than one.

My brain is overworked lately and I am kind of excited to engage in some darwinian drinking, where hopefully all of the over-thinking, really tough brain cells will die in that evolutionary experiment. Perhaps the slow leak will increase its flow, that way.

I know I'm not going to write tomorrow, unless I have some sort of sappy iPhone charged moment, so here's to letting go of the year, knowing I am on the upswing, letting go of the apprehension and fear and distrust of the last four years, and to appreciating the people I am so fortunate to have in my life.

So fuck 2011, it's over. Ready to start year two in the decade of this girl.

the last spear

2011-12-28T02:53:00.001-05:00

I have friends coming in from California today. They have never been to New York and they will be here for four whole days. I feel grossly unprepared in what I wanted to have done with the house, but they won't care and may even help me with my project, because they are just that awesome.

This New Years, I will have an important part of my west coast contingent and several of my closest friends on the east coast together at the same time, in the same place and what it is already doing for me is unbelievable. The battle wages on with training and pushing forward and I continue to fight it. I am feeling optimistic about things, mostly, and it's really nice to be having more sunny days than cloudy ones, again. I have decided that I'm taking January off to recharge and prepare for the next steps, which are quite important. I have had an amazing year, all told, and going into the next one in such a good frame of mind and with this group of friends is a gift from the universe. Kind of like the cavalry is here.

The beauty about this all however, is that there is no last spear in this battle, because it is part of an evolution and evolution never stops.

Well that was personal.

o man......

2011-12-22T01:52:00.002-05:00

Yeah, so this happened. Yet another installment highlighting the rationale behind my 'no relationships' thing. It doesn't get much funnier than this. Such a great guy, such an obtuse request.

And without further ado......

Dude: We were supposed to be doing a dinner at my friend Jenny's house, but everyone bailed except for me, want to maybe do something for Christmas, or is that too much too early?

Me: the Jenny you hook up with?

Dude: we haven't hooked up in years

Dude: but yes, that one

Me: you like to keep em close, don't you

Dude: when you have mutual friends, it's hard not to...haha

Me: insurance policy

Dude: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Me: you realize she may have worked it out that it was just the two of you?

Dude: no, I didn't think that at all

Dude: maybe I should bail

Dude: LOL

Me: wait, so you were asking me to join you for dinner at the house of some chick you used to fuck. just the three of us? You're on your own there, buddy, sorry

Dude: silly girl, people were coming after dinner for drinks

Me: yeah, i'm gonna go with no on that one, haha

Dude: you suck

Dude: i don't want to go alone, haha

Me: no, i really don't.

Me: i'm not putting myself in that position no way. for future reference, the answer to a question like that will always be no, haha

Dude: bite me

Me: and you wonder why i don't want a relationship with anyone. hahahahahahaha...o man.

Me: best question ever.

Dude: bite me

Me: you do see how ridiculous that is, right?

Dude: nope

Me: seriously?

Dude: seriously

Me: wow. hm. well i don't know what to tell you then, but purposely putting me in an awkward situation is pretty ridiculous.

Me: maybe think about a role reversal? I dunno.

Not much I can add to that one. Still laughing, though.

quotish

2011-12-20T11:20:00.002-05:00

I may have put this up at some point in the last few years, but who cares. This quote bears repeating and is one of my favorites:

"If you treat a man how he is, he will remain how he is. If you treat a man how he could be, he will be come what he ought to be and should be."

Heard that at a young age, and it's one of those that stuck with me. I translate it to: being nice to people and treating them well bears returns not just in the fact that your relationship with that person (whether male, female, friend or lover) improves and is stable and happy, but in that the person's opinion of him or herself improves and they treat everyone in their lives better. If someone has ever done that for you (and someone has for me), then it's good practice to pay it forward, as your life has benefited.

People in my life and one in particular, are being very nice to me right now. I appreciate it and it makes me feel good. I'm [trying to be] nice back. Even to boss.

wochenende

2011-12-19T01:47:00.003-05:00

I have a persistent cough that I've had for about the last three weeks. It sounds like a Volkswagen is going to come out of my lungs at any moment. I could be doing more to heal it up, but I'm sort of going with the flow of what's going on right now, which means I spend several nights a week out, at the moment, most of them with a cocktail or five in hand.

This weekend I went to see this band called Deadbeat Darling, twice. Great shows, both times. At the first show - which was at a small, dark venue on the LES, I texted my best friend from high school because the ninetys-ish sound they have going reminded me of when we used to chase bands around all weekend, every weekend, in my 1968 bug. I got nostalgic. I miss hanging out with bands - and being in one. I miss live music and I get all stoked when I have the chance to do something I used to do regularly and really love - especially when there is a personal connection to the band, via the person who introduced them to me.

On the way home last night, after many delicious and expensive drinks involving various iterations of whiskey, I found a phone in the cab I was in. I grabbed it, because it was a really nice droid phone and that would suck for someone to lose it. I waited. Predictably, it blew up with someone calling repeatedly at 1:30am, while I was washing my face. When I finally got to it, I thought the girl was going to burst into tears. I had pegged it for a guy's phone, because the bottom was cracked and it had no cover, and girls are usually more careful with their things. She's meeting me at 10:30 tomorrow morning, to pick it up. This was my good deed for the weekend.

Sickly

2011-12-15T01:06:00.002-05:00

I wonder if i can write an entire post from my phone and spell everything correctly, without editing. We'll see. This is the kind of wild and crazy antic I'm driven to when I'm sick due to elephantitis of the sinuses, my roommates refuse to shut the fuck up (or make any quiet or subdued movements at all), and i cant sleep because I'm coughing too much.

Oh and i'm lit up like a roman candle because I have had to field questions about my cocksucker ex, who I'd just as soon forget....that is once i actually recover from the immense financial loss and can afford four walls again. Maybe the upwelling of anger and hatred is what made me sick. I should look into that and not let either that douchebag or my shitty job adversely affect my health anymore. Things to think about, cough cough, hack hack. Bitter isnt a shade i don often, and now i know why. What a waste of a night where i could be out with someone nice.

In other news, it is truly fascinating how much your heartrate goes up while doing the simplest of activities, when you're sick. Like 20 beats higher than normal, just to walk at a semi-brisk pace. Amazing how the body works. Maybe i should have a hot toddy and see how that goes. At the very least it may make me pass out....

renothingships

2011-12-13T02:33:00.000-05:00

I laughed SO hard when I read this. Partly because it's just empirically funny, and partly because I have recently experienced such a thing after a one-dater refused - or refuses, to get my extremely direct message (I didn't completely ignore him, I told him I wasn't interested about fifty times - literally and THEN I ignored him.)

I did consider publishing some of our correspondence, such as:

Me: "I've completely lost interest and have moved on, please leave me alone."

Him: "Wanna go to Miami and you can think about it?"

I truly don't understand it all; the boys sending such blatant and obvious signs of disinterest, followed by near stalking when I say 'Okay, bye.' It's really too confusing and too annoying for me to invest in, and I've arrived at a conclusion for how I will be proceeding henceforth, that I'm quite happy with.

See, when I was training, I did not have the emotional capacity to commit to another person and get all boyfriend. The couple of exceptions to that were guys that had exactly my same schedule, and were in the same places I was, most of the time. That was just easy pickins. But anyone outside of that, would fall into a different category, similar to the friends with benefits section. These were people I truly enjoyed spending time with, but who were in a similar position to me, or who didn't want to be fully invested, and so it worked out quite well for many years. When I retired, I made the fatal error of deciding to become a 'relationship girl'. I gave it two solid tries. One was just not meant to be and the other was an epic, epic, seismic fail. I believe I have now evened out and found what I feel is the best course of action going forward.

No more relationships. No marriage, no kids, no talk of it. Instead, I'm back to the way it all ran in my twenties. Fun only. No titles, no emotional investment. This only sounds sad to someone who is all about the pain and bullshit of relationships. People do the most fucked up things in relationships. Things they would never do to their friends or family - only to those suckers who are dumb enough to get into bed with them and think it means something. When you find a taker for the ideal arrangement, however, it's quite fun. And the bonus......no one gets hurt.

I've been told I'm 'guarded', and maybe I am, but I'm not holding anything back. I'm still my same self with the jokes and the fun times and the affection. Just no emotional investment. Fun for fun's sake and fun only. Once it becomes un-fun or gets complicated, I'm outta there. If only I had just stuck to this instead of wasting the last 5 years trying to be something I'm not. C'est la vie, but let the fun begin!

wake up

2011-12-12T01:01:00.002-05:00

I posed this question on facebook, which of course is the litmus test for all things being "real".

"Why can I wake up at 6am for an annoying dental visit (yes my dentist operates on hours that I can actually make), yet I can't wake up at 6am for a workout, which is awesome?"

No one chimed in. Probably because that was a rhetorical question and also probably because it is a stupid question. Part of me thinks that years of 4:30am wakeups did me in and I used up all of my capacity for that. I know that's bullshit, so the rest of me thinks it's because there is no outside pressure to do so. Plus I'm an insomniac who can't fall asleep or stay asleep.

See, I have been struggling with the whole "real athlete" thing. I trained like a motherfucker for so long and did workouts that only a sliver of people in the world would want to do for such an extended period of time, that the whole go-to-the-gym-and-take-a-class thing just seems like a cop-out to me. This is stupid. As I would tell any normal person, just getting your ass there and doing anything at all, puts you in a far better position to succeed and step it up in short order.

Where I stand now, yoga makes me sore. Granted this is no slouch's yoga, but really? I mean, really? Sore abs from yoga is an embarrassment to someone who routinely had a coach (albeit a very small coach) literally stand on her stomach during leg raises. The state of affairs is ridiculous and if I want to start racing again when I move, and I desperately do, I need to get back up with real lifting and quantifiable progress in my bigger muscle groups. Yes, I need to go back in with the boys and start squatting and deadlifting and carrying a 45lb weight through my ab circuits. At present, if I held a 45lb over my head while I did crunches, I'd come away with a broken nose and a fractured skull, after I dropped it on my face.

Progress - albeit slow progress - has been made, but I'm at the point now where I have 19 days left in the year to show myself that I can maintain some level of consistency and to not have one of those December 31st self-flogging fests, where I bitch and moan about letting myself down yet again. I did run a marathon this year, so regardless, it won't be a total loss, but I need to put some serious thought and effort into that 6am question.

After all, that's a good ninety minutes after the hour that I used to bounce (or slither) out of bed to go row in sleet, snow, rain, and cold. Bullshit.

smackers

2011-12-06T01:57:00.004-05:00

Okay actually they are called Spanx, but I thought that would be a sucky title.

If you don't know - but seriously, who doesn't - girls do this strange binding ritual before they go out, when they are feeling less than spectacular about their shape, or are going to be photographed by the papparazzi. They squeeze ten pounds of sausage into five pound, stretchy, constricting casings called spanx. Spanx are basically modern girdles and while they do add a nice sleekness to just about any shape, the restriction that comes along with these bad boys is, well pretty restrictive.

Being a bit portly at the moment, I thought perhaps I should purchase a pair, in order to squeeze myself into shit I have no business wearing, so my odds of attracting a suitor would increase. I don't know what the hell got into me that this thought came across the scroll, but I found a pair that would (theoretically) "fit", and this morning, I attempted to pour myself into them. The logistics involved in this were significant. I think to put them on properly, one needs a team of professionals, a pair of rubber gloves, some advil and a shoe horn.

Once in them, movement is not so bad, generally speaking, however I do think they should include a catheter in the package, because should I have to use the ladies room, they will have to come down and then the quandary of how long it will take to summon the team, the rubber gloves and the pain meds versus just unpeeling the whole charade and letting the true level of rotund-ness shine through, is not worth it. I pretty much always err on the side of comfort, so I think I can say with some certainty, that this particular beauty garment will be leaving my arsenal.

The only thing I can think that would provide adequate explanation for the frequent wearing of this fabric boa constrictor, is that the girls who wear these things are like the floor model in the store. They are to be viewed only, not tested very rigorously and the dressing should never be altered, lest it mess up the aesthetic. I don't think those girls get laid. Just sayin. I mean what guy would be so patient as to wait while de-constriction is underway?

jack

2011-12-05T01:22:00.001-05:00

Been in a Jack Johnson mood lately. The musician, not the boxer.

I think I'm on a seven year sort of cycle. Seven years ago, I really needed for things to speed up in a real way, on multiple fronts. Seven years later, they have reached a frothy pace and I now need them to slow down in a real way, on multiple fronts.

Turns out things pick up on the holidays, whether you want them to or not. Something I love about New York is that while most places slow down and people hunker and stay in during the winter months, New York is bustling. People actually go out more. And drink more. I think this may have to do with the fact that you can't spend your energy outside in the park or along the river or cruising around during the daylight hours, so people save it up and then go out all night, where the primary activity is drinking. An example may be going out to Long Island for what you think is going to be a relatively mellow night in with friends and pie and beirut, and having start out that way, but finishing up at sunrise after a quick zip back to the city, a bar, a lot of gin and then breakfast. Followed by a couple hours of sleep and a sluggish and questionably productive day, it sort of costs even more. Not that I have any complaints about how any of that went.

There are only twenty six days left in this year and apple cider with Jack Daniels rye whiskey is actually really good. And very potent.....in keeping with the Jack theme.

The significance of all of this means jack shit.

da keedz

2011-12-01T00:01:00.000-05:00

This kid nearly brought me to tears with his passionate and extremely well-articulated message. I had to put it up for general consumption.

We really ought to just move past this issue, as I really can't see how it is even controversial.

i dun spelt it gud

2011-11-30T01:38:00.002-05:00

The below conversation (presented for your amusement and to prove a point) was had between me and a dude I apparently knew, but don't really remember, from high school. These are full and separate emails, mind you and I have not changed anything (ie: punctuation, numbers, letters, etc).

dude: long time so what u been up 2?

me: I've just been working and drinking! How about you? How have you been?

dude: same here! not enough hrs~ 2 do both! lol

me: Ha....well that's where you've got a problem, then! NY runs on booze, not dunkin donuts, as previously thought.

dude: can i tell u a secret?

me: sure....

dude: u r EEEEEEVIL!!!! lol but TRUE!

me: It's a secret that I'm evil? I totally thought the jig was up on that a long time ago, haha. How do you like Louisiana?

dude: it slow which i mean peaceful! no drive bys; no gangs ; miss the beach though. if u love outdoors come down south! every1 says hi! straners helping strangers!!! ca & ny 2 busy 4 that!

dude: u should come down 4 mari gras! listen 2 this they got daquri shacks here! i lived in 7 states louisiana is only state that has drive through daquri shacks!

me: Drive through frozen alcoholic beverages? Now if that's not intelligent, I don't know what is, haha. So I guess the cops hang out about a mile or two down the road?

dude: as long as the straw isnt in the lid, its concidered a closed container! there in between a strong icy~ 2 a drink w/ 8 shots of liquer! damn there gr8! lol

I'll stop there because it's hurting my eyes to re-read these. He didn't even spell liquor right. Sin of all sins!

I shared some of this with a coworker and to my comfort, she completely agreed with my snobbiness when it comes to proper diction and semi-intelligible writing. I'm going on record to say....if you don't reflect intellectual curiosity or intelligence in your speaking and writing and if you cannot write a complete sentence with the words spelled properly, I will feel really bad for you and will never go out with you. Now mind you, this dude isn't necessarily trying to go out with me - despite the repeated invitations to attend mardi gras and hit up the drive-thru daquiri shack - however, I'm literally in pain in this conversation.

I know, I'm a pompous ass who should take my pompous assholery and hit the bricks already. It is important to note however, that I'm not saying that this dude is a bad person. I'm not saying he deserves a cockroach infestation in his house or that he can't press a suit. I am saying none of those things. What I AM saying, is that people - and not just dude, because this is an epidemic - really ought to make a greater effort to learn to communicate properly in their native tongue. The days of it being cool to be stupid are o.ver.

The occasional typo, misused word, I can forgive. The blatant onslaught of shitty written and verbal skills is assaulting to my senses and is something I can't go back for seconds on. And I'm not alone. So dudes (and chicks), can we all agree to make a more concerted effort? Can we please, please, for fucks sake embrace the beauty that is good grammar? Can we marvel together at the grace and potency of the well-written word?

Or can we please just not communicate with one another? Please?

Yes, you can direct your hate mail to me. It's cool.

el shake

2011-11-29T00:31:00.003-05:00

There's a juice and fruit cart on the corner of 56th and Broadway that I patronize everyday on my way to work. I go so often, that when they see me coming, the people who staff the cart start my order, so it's usually just about ready when I get to it and pay. I get a scary looking, yet delicious shake made of a lot of green stuff, masked by fruit and with added protein. It's like crack, it's so good, so I call it the crack-shake. Clever, I know.

So there I was the other day - the cold day - running dreadfully late for work. I mean, I could have still made it on time, but then I forgot something and had to go back upstairs, so I had literally no cushion. I thought of not stopping at the cart, but no, no, I needed that crack-shake. As per usual, I peeled around the corner and threw a five at the cart guy, swooped up my shake and kept on toward my office. Then I got to the corner, where two dudes in City Sights gear were having a conversation of some sort.

They kept shuffling, these City Sights gents. I tried to get out of their way, as we waited for the light to change and stepped into the street. Because they were the weaving type, I swung out wide to the right, with ample clearance, and started across the street. That is until one of the dudes began swinging his arms wildly.

I'm not exaggerating here. The flailing was a fully extended, oblivious-to-the-world sort of antic and the tip of his fingers, reaching maximum velocity in their animated motion, caught my cup juuuuust as I was about to take a swig. Did I mention that it was really cold that day, and that I was carrying-slash-drinking a frozen beverage?

Flash forward approximately one second and I was wearing the entire thing, from head to toe. And I was late.

The wildman made a feeble attempt to apologize and took my 2"x 2" napkin in an effort to dab away at the twenty ounces of frozen, blended deliciousness that now adorned my shirt, pants, jacket, hair, hands and even - yes - even my bra. Every step I took between that corner and my office saw splotches of tasty crack-shake glob off and fall to the ground. I left a trail from Carnegie hall to my building. A trail of unrequited deliciousness.

The kicker here is not that I was already late, wearing a shade of frozen green that I wouldn't normally don, no longer had my breakfast AND was cold. The kicker is that when I got to work.........

I got in trouble.

Because it was my fault that the friggin bus-seller dude doused me, or better yet, I clearly did it myself in order to procure a larger dry cleaning bill and have organic fruits and vegetables gracing my lovely, matted mane for the next ten hours. Yes, in the gilded cage that is my fund, it makes sense to be angry with people when random, annoying shit happens to them. Athankyou.

straws

2011-11-28T13:29:00.003-05:00

It is approximately sixty days until bonus time. I pray and pray that I can hold out until then and not tell several people in my office to 'va-tu faire en culee'.

See, I didn't get a bonus last year because I left my good job earlier than I wanted to, something that has greatly affected me this year. Were I to not receive a bonus this year, I would straight up be homeless in no time. That's not a joke, either. That's for real. So every single day that ticks by in this place, where I get bitched out for nothing and everything just because someone or other woke up with a bite on her ass, is a victory.

Can I count to sixty?

holi-suckiness

2011-11-23T00:22:00.002-05:00

Guess what, friends?! It's time for the annual curmudgeon-fest that is the stupid holiday season. Yes, I still hate them, still wish them all away and am really only in it for the booze.

If there were a way to be magically transported from the day before thanksgiving to the day after christmas without having to endure any of it, I would sign up in a heartbeat. I'm going to try, though, to make this my last post to that effect, for the 2011 season, because this year is not over and there is still a lot of work to do in order for me to wrap it up the way I want. So tomorrow, I will be at a close friend's house, chilling with people I enjoy spending time with and eating and drinking to great excess.

But on Friday....Friday I will do some long, relaxing steady state to get myself ready for a very full weekend of training, studying and partying. I plan to carry that agenda out through the end of the year and I feel I can say with confidence, that although the beginning of the year proved to be a somewhat slow start, the last half of the year has been picking up at a good clip. This means 2012 has tons more potential from the get. Clearly I should try and stay in the positive through this trying time, then.

I still hate christmas music and no, I don't want to watch it's a fucking wonderful life.

the 9%

2011-11-22T02:08:00.002-05:00

The IRS is more popular than congress. Having a relative who works for the IRS (no, sadly there is no frill to that), I found that especially funny, because I love to tease my uncle about working for the grim collector.

However, after yesterday's stalemate of complete bullshit with this tea party driven congress of jokers and do-nothing-ers, I'm glad to see that the public is beginning to have some perspective on the relative evils in some of our government institutions, if nothing else.

You know what I say? Fine. Do nothing, jackasses. By doing nothing, the Bush tax cuts get repealed and taxes go back to those of the Clinton years when everything was going pretty well. Then - while you bitch about that and the gross injustice of your own ineptitude - maybe the rest of us could take a page from the WPA era and give some people jobs repairing our infrastructure, or something crazy like that. In wasting all this time trying to make the president look bad, they are going to accidentally repeal the tax protection for the most wealthy and get themselves all voted out. Here's hoping!

Carry on, morons, carry on.

yet another reason....

2011-11-18T19:36:00.002-05:00

why I just heart Michelle Bachmann. She's too stupid to know when she's fucking up dates, facts and general sensical sorts of things and instead of, say, reading the news, or acknowledging that she just makes shit up. Instead, she will offer herself up as gaffe-free, while criticizing her fellow running mates. Awesome.

http://gawker.com/5860850/bachmann-i-havent-had-a-gaffe

I will be so sad when the clown show portion of the republican spectacle is over. No more ubeki-beki-beki-stan references, no more curing gays talk on the national podium, no more errrrs and uuuhhhhs and 'ah fergawt's and blank stares. What a sad day that will be. Then it will just be ol' Mittens and his waffling.

Syrup up!

true dat

2011-11-18T00:24:00.003-05:00

I have long believed this, and now there is a clever sign out, saying it nicely.

My belief in this was cemented over the last several years and I think it's a good reminder to have around. This is true for us all, so others who make endless excuses TO us, should have their feet held to the fire - or be let go from our lives, as well.

This has been me reporting for a Bullshit Free Society. Join me.

breakdown

2011-11-17T01:41:00.002-05:00

I always find it curious and funny (but not necessarily ha-ha funny) when the republican middle class volunteers to eliminate itself through our tax laws.

The conditions may be better in the streets, but economically, we, the United States, have the same breakdown as India. And look how well that's working.

Idiots.

muted

2011-11-16T08:45:00.002-05:00

I've had no voice for several days now. Actually, I have a whisper of a voice right now, but for three days, I had none at all. Couldn't scream if I were being bludgeoned with a tire iron. I had a dream to that effect, where I had to save a good friend from a scary, knife-wielding dude - without screaming. In the dream, I had some sort of premonition that he was the stab-to-death type, so I hid all the knives, threw all her stuff off the balcony and pushed her out the door and down to the car, as we heard him thrashing around looking to kill us. Can't be louder? Be craftier, I guess.

Anyway, the loss of my primary vehicle for communicating showed me a couple of things as I sat at home, whiling away the time on my tempurpedic, trying to come up with shit to do. One: daytime television is extremely boring once you run out of NCIS reruns and dvr'd documentaries to watch. Two: it is extremely frustrating to try and get even one keyword out and still have that word misunderstood, and Three: I talk to my bff a lot and probably saved a ton of cell minutes over the last few days.

The most important side effect though, was an understanding of what my dad must be going through. My dad has a degenerative condition that is basically shutting down systems in his body ever so slowly, one by one. His voice was one of the first things to go. Talking to him is an exercise in frustration, because you end up saying 'what? what?' the whole time, and he gets pissed off and just stops talking. Having no ability to speak all of a sudden - for good - must have been completely horrifying for him. He said now it's like the driveway doesn't go all the way to the street. He has all of these thoughts, but can't relay them, because without getting cortisone shots in his vocal chords - a pain I cannot imagine - his voice will continue to deteriorate until he can barely whisper. Add to that the fact that his motor skills have been taken away and he's basically becoming a prisoner in his own body. My little bout with laryngitis is nothing, comparatively. I was bored for a couple of days and nearly hacked up a lung. Big deal.

I am trying to keep that in mind today as I get the cold shoulder from my boss and some of my coworkers. It's all about face time in this joint. Of course, it's totally my fault that after the marathon my boss got sick and passed it along to me. Totally my fault that my immune system was down a little and needed a re-boot. My bad that two boxes of lemon ginger tea and enough soup to take a bath in, didn't bring it back. Today, after two days of literally not speaking at all, to anyone, my voice is strained, at best. It's audible, people. The problem is audible, as in there is proof every time I say a word that this isn't a clever ruse to get out of work and enjoy the rainy weather.

These people suck. Study, study, study, I say. Looking forward to that move more and more everyday, now.

race report

2011-11-08T00:55:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since I had a 'first' in sports. I have now completed the ING New York City Marathon - my first marathon - and it was a completely different experience than I had anticipated. I always make up a race report after I finish a race of any kind (because I’m a nerd like that), so that I can look back over how it went and make adjustments for the next competition. This should be no different, I think, because this will definitely not be my last marathon.

I got nervous on Thursday and Friday of last week, because the time was nigh and I wasn't sure that my knees and right foot were going to get me across the line. After my 20 mile run, my training took a turn for the worse as I developed plantar fasciitis in my right foot, which just annoyed the hell out of me. I took care of it the best I could and it started to subside a little, but that meant that I had to do a lot of my volume the last few weeks on the bike or the eliptical, which while good for my lungs, was not good for my muscles and joints. The deal was getting done though, so I just shoved it out of the way and hoped for the best.

By Saturday afternoon I was on race auto-pilot and on Sunday as we got up to the start line, I was just itching to get going. I had forgotten my watch in the bag I was sending to the finish line and I started freaking out about not being able to take splits, until I came to a very important realization. I am in a completely different position athletically, than I have ever been in my life. Add to that, I was taking on a completely different endurance challenge than I had faced before. Literally, as we walked through the corral, I came to the conclusion that the only way for this first one to be a success would be to just have fun with it and take in the entire experience. I knew the pain was coming and I knew that this would in no way be my best, or only, marathon effort. Once I took that attitude, my outlook went from clinical to emotional and I started singing Sinatra with thousands of people, high-fiving little kids, congratulating fellow runners and making it a point to notice the signs and supporters along the way. My two favorite signs elicited completely different emotions. The first one said "pick up the pace, your ex is gaining ground", which I thought was pretty funny, and the second said "you are no longer a runner, you are now a marathoner", which got me a little choked up for a second there. One cannot be choked up and run successfully however, so that was the end of the choked-upedness.

The start was quite slow because a lot of the Livestrong entries were in the last wave, but it was a little ego boost to be blowing past people at the beginning, which is always nice. I took note of my basic splits at different points during the race but all in all, except for a brief stop when something was stabbing me in the instep, I cruised along the first 20 miles pretty well and I only stopped to take my gu and water every hour or so. Then I hit mile 21. And by hit I mean smashed into like a glass bottle dropped from a 10 story building. I had been feeling my knees, but was tuning it out because running was easier than walking, but at about mile 21, my knees began to protest loudly and the plantar fasciitis in my foot was fully awake as well. This, in retrospect was my favorite part of the race. Those last 5 miles were a fight.

It has been a long time since I had to truly fight and conquer in a sport. I have been unable to perform at all for so long, that it had slipped in my memory what it is like to really scrape and claw to finish something at any cost. Sounds a little dramatic, I'm sure, but despite the fact that my run to walk ratio had become inverted as I winced through most of those steps, I went inside and discovered that the reserve tank is still there and I can still tap it and still push through anything. I rediscovered that I am still pretty fucking strong (pardon the french). So, I battled all the way through the park and back out onto 59th street. When I got to the 800 meter mark, I had something I could quantify in rowing and pain terms, so the last 800 meters was pretty easy when I considered how many times I have felt like I was going to die with 800 meters to go and yet survived to win.

The whole ending on a hill thing is just the meanest possible way to finish a marathon, but I was in such a daze when I crossed the finish line, that I realized I was still running, but everyone around me was walking, so I should probably stop. I thought beforehand that when I finished I would get all emotional and be somewhat overcome, but really I just kept walking forward for about 40 minutes while I got the medal, the heat wrap, the bag of food and finally my bag with my sweats and personal items.

Reflecting on this whole process has made me thankful that I did my first marathon this way, when it means something substantial to me. Having been out of commission completely for four years and having had such a small window to train and get ready for this has made a difference in me. Before I had all of the physical tribulations with surgeries and recovery, doing a marathon was just something I had on my list for whenever. It wasn't a particularly big deal to me, because I knew without a doubt that I could do it and do a pretty good job. Running it now, in New York, after being counted out was an experience I shall not soon forget and I can actually say that I'm proud of myself for getting back in the game and for doing it by jumping in headfirst and then figuring it out.

To all of you who supported Livestrong on my behalf, I truly cannot thank you enough for the support. Many of those who donated have a loved one who has battled some form of cancer. Some have lost, some have won, some continue the fight. The money donated will go directly to help people engaged in their war on cancer. I looked at every name noted on the scroll on my page and I thought of them all at different times in the race, as I imagined the love and support they received during their respective fights. The analogy of a cancer battle being akin to a marathon is not lost on me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting your money where my mouth is, because the pressure generated by the support pushed me every single step of the way.

mantra-ish

2011-11-02T23:27:00.000-04:00

I'm of two minds right now. One is nervous as hell, overplanning, listing off the reasons behind the compulsion to keep going, and positive, but reserved.

The other is excited and focused, understanding of the limitations, but eager to claw the next three days away and get to the challenge; the launch pad to back.

I'm going with the latter, obviously, and while I was in the shower after my workout tonight, I remembered the slogan on the back of my favorite fall rowing shirt from college:

seek
find
catch
use
abuse
crush

YOU.

The future is a blank slate, so I'm starting here. Stoked.

struggle

2011-10-31T14:06:00.004-04:00

Life gives you strange signs to keep pushing forward, keep moving toward your goals. They usually come for me at moments when I'm not looking, but could really use an extra nudge from the universe to remind me to not lose sight of my goals.

Funny thing is, when I was in college, I was running the stadiums and a local newspaperman happened to be in the stadium just taking photos of the empty seats. I interrupted his shot and ended up on the front page of that paper in a photo just like this. Makes me stoked to get to my next run. Knee insurrection or not, the challenge will be met.

door jam

2011-10-28T13:13:00.004-04:00

I smacked a couple of people around today. With a door.

I don't feel badly about this at all and here's why. Tourists, especially those that loiter around various parts of Midtown are mentally vacant. They stand wherever, whenever and just sort of gape their mouths and block whatever is going on; foot traffic, doors, actual traffic....it's annoying, as has been previously discussed at length.

I understand this about the tourists, and don't really blame them too much for being mentally checked out; it is, after all, vacation for them. What I don't understand and had a problem with today, is the ignoring of many attempts to get their attention to move out of the way.

So there I was, standing inside an establishment, trying to get out through the only doorway, with three people blocking my exit. The door opened out toward the street, so I didn't have a lot of options, other than to somehow make them aware of my presence and desire to leave through said doorway. Despite standing pretty much against the door, I was unacknowledged. I waved, I waved some more, I knocked on the door. Nothing. Not even a head tilt in my direction, despite the fact that one of the three was practically looking right at me. My hands were clearly tied.

I started to open the door gently at first, attempting to brush them back so I could get out. Nothing. These bumps on a log were really just going to stand there as if I didn't exist and wiat for me to fly out the ceiling. Finally, I slammed the door open, causing two of the bumps to fly into the third. And how they flew - arms flailing out, tripping over their feet, catching one another in a mangled, bent-over heap.

I heard huffs and gasps and was shot the dirtiest looks they could all have mustered, given their catatonic states before. I turned, I smiled brightly and said "move, please." They're lucky.....I'm one of the patient ones.